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Original poster

My negative friend is exhausting me...

36 replies

Gardagarda · 27/01/2024 17:04

I've got a friend I've known for 15yrs. I see her often as we have a group of mutual friends too.

She is so negative about everything. Cynical?

Shes not happy with her homelife or work. Moans constantly about that.

But just generally sees the worst in everyone and everything. Jumps to worse case scenario over everything.

My adult daughter has a new relationship. My friends immediate response 'you need to watch its not abusive'

Another friend forgot to pay back £5 - my friend 'I think she's trying to steal money from me'

A friend worked really hard to lose weight. My friend 'she won't keep it off'

She has nothing positive to say about anything and I'm finding her company massively draining. It's like she socks the joy out of life. I do sometimes say 'do you think you are q bit cynical' or 'maybe give people the benefit of the doubt'.

She laughs and says 'oh I know im cynical but you are just not realistic and think good of everyone when you shouldnt'

Has anyone else had experience of this ? It's now got to the point that I'm making excuses to not see the group of friends because I can't bear the constant moaning and negativity.

My friend is quite dependent on me. Not as close to the others. She makes zero effort to get closer to them then complains that they don't make any effort with her.

Argh!!!

OP posts:
Throwawayme · 27/01/2024 17:06

My mother in law is like this. It really is draining but I guess it's just some people's personality. Would you lose the rest of your friendship group if you backed off? I feel like friendships shouldn't drain you

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 27/01/2024 17:09

You have my sympathies OP, I too have a "dementor" friend like this.

Have supported her through lots of ups and downs, with relatively little effort returned.

She's permanently glass half empty, whilst I'm the opposite.

I've had to distance myself as I just couldn't be her emotional crutch any longer.

It's sad, but realistically, how long can you keep someone afloat when they're causing you to drown?

HarryCohenPotter · 27/01/2024 17:09

Has she dealing with anything difficult? Sounds like the perspective of a depressed person. I have a friend who is paranoid, cynical and depressed about everything during her PMS so I am mindful not to go to her for an opinion when I know she has it as she's struggling.

It is quite immature and unreasonable of her to expect your friends to make an effort with her when she makes none in return.

Do you still want to be friends with this person? Perhaps you need a break from one another. There are some friends we see once a week, others we see once or twice a year.

HarryCohenPotter · 27/01/2024 17:10

Sounds like this is a once or twice a year friend.

Schoolrefusa · 27/01/2024 17:11

I hear you completely OP as a friend of mine has ended up like this too and like you I am trying to speak less as I find it exhausting . But like you she's very dependent on me and also quite vulnerable so I carry on being impacted by her as don't want to give up on her.
i think when you're in that zone you almost don't realise , and it's so hard to say anything and could be destructive if one does . I find my friend focuses relentlessly on anything negative in her life too and has a lot of counselling which I something worry allows her to focus on it even more rather than focussing outwards openly a bit more. It's not easy

Original poster
Gardagarda · 27/01/2024 17:12

She is clearly very unhappy at home but she's been moaning about that for literally years!

We share a hobby so if I want to do my hobby she is there. I dont know how I am ever going to escape her.

Do you think miserable people are miserable themselves or do you think this is just some people's personality?

OP posts:
ACatNamedVirtue · 27/01/2024 17:20

I wouldn't distance from your friendship group at all, but I would definitely distance from her.

For such a long friendship I would be honest and say I find her response to things are often very negative and it's quite draining for me. It's not your place to change her behaviour or to ask her to do anything differently, but you are giving her the courtesy of telling her it's having an impact on you. If she chooses not to change or becomes passive aggressive you can distance yourself from her without any guilt.

If you meet with your friends sit near someone else. If she needs a lift be unavailable. Don't be the link for her to others. She's an adult capable of making and keeping her own friends.

If other people don't find it draining the great she'll have other friends better suited to her, if they also distance from her then it gives her an opportunity to reflect on things.

Arabaloosa · 27/01/2024 17:22

I had a friend like this. Couldn't be happy or positive for anyone or anything. Nothing wrong in life for her, no hardships, just couldn't be happy for others. The only time she showed any joy of sorts, was when something went wrong for someone, especially if it was something she said would happen. I stopped contact a while ago, it was so draining to be around, and she hasn't reached out to me. If anything, I've added something else to her woe is me persona, and the very few mutuals we have tell me she moans now and again about how I abandoned her. I tell them she knows my phone number! They smirk in reply, they know exactly what it's like. I think they only talk to her because they work with her, so doesn't do anything to endear herself to others, unless they are similar miserable bitches, for want of a better description

Original poster
Gardagarda · 27/01/2024 17:27

Wow thats interesting because my friend does seem to delight in being proved correct if something goes wrong and also likes to tell me when she sees any of our mutual friends or people we both know who have put on weight. It seems to delight her!

I think I might be reaching the point of telling her the constant moaning and negativity isn't nice to be around but then I'm racked with guilt because I do know she has issues with one of her children and also often feels unloved by husband and her child. She regularly tells me I'm only person in her life she lives!
So then I think I cant reject her

OP posts:
furnaceyay · 27/01/2024 17:30

I spent a short holiday with someone like that. Every day was like swimming through a treacle of cynicism and contempt.

On return, I slowly distanced myself. So no falling out. But I never want to be in the same room with her alone again, and I shan’t. In a group I don’t mind.

life's too short OP. People like this are unbearable. They suck the life out of you. I’ve only ever met one person like that. Never again!

furnaceyay · 27/01/2024 17:30

She sounds manipulative as well …!

HarryCohenPotter · 27/01/2024 17:32

My sister has a friend who complains nonstop about her OH. Every other conversation (for a decade) is about thinking about leaving him for his drinking/pubbing/cheating but no matter what anyone says she never does. Finally she had to distance herself. Sounds to me like you are tired of being her friend so I'd some personal responsibility and start to make a break. You don't have to be her friend.

MixedCouple · 27/01/2024 17:32

I had a best friend like this. I tried to help her for 5 years and then I distanced myself and well still talk to her but I don't make the effort anymore and stopped meet ups.
She constantly complained about her divorce and what her ex was up to every damn minute we were together.
It was draining and had such a negative impact on me.
Stepping away was the BEST thing I ever did. And I hear she is still the same 6 years later.
I left the door open to her but made it clear I can't have theae sorts of conversations every time.

Original poster
Gardagarda · 27/01/2024 17:33

Yes some of the other people in the group say she manipulates me because I'm known as being an empath and 'softie'. Dont like upsetting anyone. Feel guilty very easily. She knows this.

I find it hard to believe that people are consciously manipulative tho. I think its unconscious? So then I cant pull her up on it?

OP posts:
KylieMinnow · 27/01/2024 17:37

Sounds like you don't like this friend. Maybe time to part ways?

Original poster
Gardagarda · 27/01/2024 17:38

Mixed couple - how did you say this to her?
I want to say 'ill come for a walk with you but I cannot listen to anymore moaning'

OP posts:
p1ppyL0ngstocking · 27/01/2024 17:46

Say you've had a difficult week and are doing a "good news day" and no negative talk allowed, so if she wants to walk with you it's happy chat only or she'll need to walk with someone else.

If negative Nelly says something draining, reply with:

"Oh, you're in direct violation of the Good News Day rules there friend, I'm going to have to switch topics or walk with someone else; what's your preference?"

Do it enough and she might move onto someone else to suck the life out of 🤞

MariaLuna · 27/01/2024 17:48

how long can you keep someone afloat when they're causing you to drown?

What a great saying!

I find I tend to cut down contact with people who are negative and draining.

If they pull you up on it it's quite o.k. to let them know. It may be food for thought.

Mind you, she sounds like spectalularly self-absorbed, life is too short to put up with it.

OP, this is also a lesson for you to grab this bull by the horns and let her know.
You are not doing yourself any favours by letting this continue.

MariaLuna · 27/01/2024 17:50

I find it hard to believe that people are consciously manipulative tho.

Goodness gracious me, really?!

Original poster
Gardagarda · 27/01/2024 17:53

yes because she is my friend and tells me she loves me and I'm only person in her life she likes so can't believe she would consciously manipulate me
Ithink maybe she doesn't realise she is doing it? Emotional blackmail etc?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 27/01/2024 17:56

Go in and say, I've had a rubbish day so I only want to hear lovely things.
Then when she starts, stop her and ask if she heard you-only positive things.

Then say sorry I can't take the negativity and say I'll speak to you next time and go sit when someone else

maltesefiction · 27/01/2024 18:01

I used to have a friend like this. Always negative and could never see the bright side of life. One day, I just cut her out. Completely cold. This was 10 years ago and I am better for it.

piscofrisco · 27/01/2024 18:02

My mum is like this. There is no cure for it. I've tried cheerfully laughing it off, turning it into a joke, asking her to now give a positive after a negative-everything! It's draining. I can't ditch her because she is my mother. If she were a friend she wouldn't be one much longer tbh.

Minniliscious · 27/01/2024 18:04

I have a family member like this. Obsessed with illnesses and so intense - family get togethers are just getting harder. People tell her all the time but she just doesn’t seem to get it.

Nicole1111 · 27/01/2024 18:09

Distance yourself for a week or 2 and when she queries it tell her with kindness you find her negativity very draining and depressing and you didn’t have the emotional capacity to spend time with her. Once she’s got the benefit of knowing how she is impacting you then you can see if she tries to address it next time you see her.