My negative friend is exhausting me...

[Gardagarda]

I've got a friend I've known for 15yrs. I see her often as we have a group of mutual friends too.

She is so negative about everything. Cynical?

Shes not happy with her homelife or work. Moans constantly about that.

But just generally sees the worst in everyone and everything. Jumps to worse case scenario over everything.

My adult daughter has a new relationship. My friends immediate response 'you need to watch its not abusive'

Another friend forgot to pay back £5 - my friend 'I think she's trying to steal money from me'

A friend worked really hard to lose weight. My friend 'she won't keep it off'

She has nothing positive to say about anything and I'm finding her company massively draining. It's like she socks the joy out of life. I do sometimes say 'do you think you are q bit cynical' or 'maybe give people the benefit of the doubt'.

She laughs and says 'oh I know im cynical but you are just not realistic and think good of everyone when you shouldnt'

Has anyone else had experience of this ? It's now got to the point that I'm making excuses to not see the group of friends because I can't bear the constant moaning and negativity.

My friend is quite dependent on me. Not as close to the others. She makes zero effort to get closer to them then complains that they don't make any effort with her.

Argh!!!

Some people are like this. Then I get all Pollyanna-ish in a futile effort to lift them out of it. Then I find us both unbearable!

Thanks for everyone's replies.

I think she will say I'm abandoning her when she's having a difficult time? But it's been going on years?

And am I abandoning her?

I keep thinking I have other friends who are having bad time and I'm happy to listen to them and don't mind them offloading on me.

It's so hard!

A simple " you suck the joy out of my life and this isnt good for me" then walk away, is a good starter for 10.

You are not calling her names or using a descriptor that she can say "oh, you know what I'm like" etc, to.

Good luck!

I would drop the thinking about whether it is unconscious or conscious on her part, she is manipulating you OP, and your insistence that you are an empath and a softie will mean you continue to allow it until you wake up from your behaviour. You aren't responsible for her feelings, her home life or her lack of capacity to form other friendships. I have also had more than one friend like this in my life and I notice a pattern where I begin by feeling terribly sorry for the way life has treated them, start to realise I am only hearing their side of the story on repeat, begin to feel resentful and increasingly annoyed until I reach a point where I am done listening and walk away. It is the only way to maintain my own sanity. If this all feels impossible to do then I would consider therapy to look at your own boundaries.

Tell her you’re having a difficult time too and it can’t always be about her.

My dad was like this. Constantly complaining that every aspect of his life was horrible, moaning behind everyone's back and always so very negative. Yet he never, ever did anything to improve his lot. I think he liked to moan and that being cynical and mistrusting and rubbishing others made him feel better about himself.

I finally asked him one night to stop being so negative as it was draining the life out of me. I'm not lying when I say that the next few times I saw him he said absolutely nothing. If he wasn't moaning or putting other people down he had nothing at all to say. It was his personality and he had no other string to his bow. After a few weeks he just returned to how he was before and had something to say again - all the same, negative stuff.

I put up with it for years, then my husband had health issues and I didn't have the headspace to tolerate my dad's miserable nature any more so I distanced myself. I didn't regret it and now, even though he has died, I still don't.

Wow thank you. This thread has really helped. There's clearly a lot of this type of people around

I had a friend like this - like others said she had no hardships, actually a lovely life in every way and a lovely childhood and great friends and family and husband. Really wealthy. I knew her really closely over 15 years and I can say for sure there wasn’t something that warranted it.

I put up with it for years, it got significantly better when I moved away because there was less opportunity frankly. But then I had a traumatic and horrible event happen in my family and she completely and utterly dropped me. A year on I’m still a little surprised she just walked away from one of her closest friends at such a time.

Mostly it makes me mad at myself for hanging around so long thinking she was a good friend with a negativity problem.

You say "I'll come for a walk with you, but I cannot listen to any more moaning". Exactly that. If she doesn't like it, tough shit.

You need to have a bit more self respect for where you are putting your energy OP.

How many other people is she saying exactly the same to?

And anyway, if someone "loves" you, you are not obliged to love them back. Nor are you their emotional punch bag for any and all of their negativity.

I have a daughter who is so negative that I dread her coming round. Unfortunately she isn’t able to work currently due to physical health issues and mental health problems. She’s such hard work and exhausting, it’s like a black cloud, she moans about everything, and visits most days. I ask her gently to stop being so negative, but makes little difference. I wish we could divorce our kids, it never ends.