Generally too sad, my life is sad.

[SadlyToo]

This is not an ironic, lightweight comment. Or meant to be over-heavy either. Just the amount of crap I’ve been through, it’s been genuinely horrendous.

my feeling is that my life just too sad? Honestly, too much of an all-round failure?

I’m late 50s btw, so even the “hope” of one’s 40/s and 50/s are now, more of a mirage.

I should add in probably quite positive in person - and I totally NEVER inflict my sadness and negativity on others. I would say I’m a positive, loving person even (though where does that get me lol 😂!)

I’m surrounded by quite conventional types eg married, divorced, nice grown up kids, got half the house or more blah de blah.

But my whole life is gone.to.fuck, really, even though sometimes I enjoy or accept it in my own way ../. I’m super-independent etc.

But I can’t share it with anyone (friends, family).

WWYD? The sadness of shit parents, shit naive life etc? Difficult outcomes, including ill-health. Sorry a bit random 🥂

@migigo Nobody in my life is in a similar situation.

“Bad patches”? !

Honest, that phrase reminds me of the charity industry, makes me want to tear my hair out. I know you mean well, I really do, but 1000 miles from where I’m at.

When life goes to shit I start again. You've got your current friends but whatever the reason you can't be your authentic self with them. As an example, my good friends know about my toxic family because it comes up the first year of knowing each other with what are you doing for Christmas type conversation. Like you, I'm not a negative Nelly. Nor do I overshare, it's not the kind of thing I'd bring up with an acquaintance. If I'm not at least vaguely honest in my daily life though, outside of small talk, I'd feel I was living a lie. In your shoes I'd keep those friendships you've got and the positive loving vibe you have going on there, but I'd scale back just a little bit to make room for seeking out new friends, ones you can be more honest with. There's no problem telling friends things like you have in this post, we all need a moan sometimes, it's just life and keeps things real.

I wonder if you're too nice as well, always going out of your way for others and never getting what you want for your own life. If that's the case I'd try sometimes doing whatever is right for you instead of always doing what you think is morally right. If you've got a higher moral standard than everyone around you (which is not to say they're bad people) it's you who'll always lose out.

OP I am only just working out the rules for life, socially and personally. I didn't realise how disadvantaged I was from life until the last 18 months and I'm 50's.

Can you think of 1 thing that would make you happier. Forget how'd you pay for it or make it happen.

Thanks @XelaM lots of stuff.

being Intelligent, broke, cultured, vulnerable, educated beyond my class, single mother from naive one night stand, chronic illlnres, narc parent , jeezus

I have definitely not had as much shit as the OP.

I don't know what to suggest really OP. Can you call Samaritans and just dump on them for a while? Can you access a support group?

Please share with your friends. That;s what they are for.

by the way - I take 💯 responsible. Maybe 80 per cent. Not putting this on anyone either. Just a mess of “lack of love” and so forth.

I have no problem with the above reqlly.

Just makes me outside ( society ? )

Well, if you have a chronic illness, that' s not your fault or responsibility, for one.

I would just say that some of your friends may not have the picture perfect lives you think they have. My DD was very, very ill with a chronic illness for a couple of years. I told no one because she didn't want me to. There was no easy cure either. I only told my sister and mum. I just carried on quietly going to doctors and never speaking about it. My friends would have thought I had a charmed life because outwardly everything was fine. She is a lot better now.

Oh I understand where you at. I love Motherland but it could have been my life. I have no answers advice words of wisdom or reassurance but there people on here who will send you thoughts of love and kindness if you need a virtual hug. X

Do you have any therapy, OP, even if just to offload?

Bowing out, but thanks for your words of understanding.

genuinely appreciated in the maelstrom.

Well, you could always stay here and chat. Not everyone will understand but everyone wishes you well 🥺

This shows an absolute ignorance to the damage trauma can do. The past absolutely does matter in some circumstances. Trauma changes the way the brain functions. In children, trauma dramatically changes the way it develops. People who have suffered from damaging trauma can’t just deal with things and move on. It impacts the whole nervous system. Not everyone has starting blocks in the same position in life. Some are starting this life race miles behind others. The ability to cope of someone who had a good enough early life and had opportunities to thrive are vastly different to those who just had to survive.

There are so many factors that influence a persons ability to cope. Some people suffer way more than their fair share. It’s not as simplistic as you make it out to be.

So change it... move abroad. change your job

You have to use mental compartments the past is in A box over there. You can't change it so why give it your thoughts? Lock it away in your mental storage unit and let it acquire dust

Put all the things you are worried about but could change into another box...this is now your route.

Put things that you can't change or control into another bix...these are no longer your concern. Put them next to your pas can't change box.

Focus on what you have left and make the changes you want..ps im older than you and this is what I do its life-changing

Nobody in my life is in a similar situation

Sorry. This is self-indulgent BS. You have no idea what's going on in others lifes

Many people have awful lives and I have no idea why they cope. But they take ownership and deal with it and have good lives

I could give a very personal example but i won't as I said in a previous post. That is parked in my "ignore " box

Speaking as an immigrant, I don't think it is easy to move abroad, or get a job once you are there.

Having said that, I like your box strategy @Maddy70 and will try to use it going forward. Probably won't work for many people though.

i believe there are five evidence-backed ways to increase happiness: connect, give, notice, learn and be active. As I come to retirement, I think this is a good framework for my life. I’m sharing in case there is something useful there for you too OP.

I moved abroad. I. My 50s. Got a job really easily. But obviously depends on The country and the job. Doenst have to me abroad either. Just make a positive change

F.u. You have no idea about my life. Jeez where do these sanctimonious fools come from, no idea.

Self indulgent? @Maddy70 what a moronic thing to say. You don’t share your own “ BS” though, r other peoples “ awful lives”. Cowardly in my book. Only your own anger at others sharing their troubles that you don’t even have the courage to be vent, or even understand. You’re sound like a total dickhead, tbh.

I think OP has gone
But, in case it helps anyone, I find it really bizarre to think about some of the things I've gone through - and on paper, they aren't that bad maybe?

But there is a limit to what the human heart can cope with. That will vary from person to person.

But when I look it at all, the good and the bad....it still just feels like too much has happened, and then I get a burning urge to sit in a field and do nothing.

No one would change the good stuff of course, but there's that little edge of concern that there might not be any more good times. So I try hard to hold on to what's good but....sometimes there's not enough of that.

I think "life is what you make of it" is shite, but hopefully the poster who said that isn't counting things like major injury and your friends being murdered by terrorists, which for me are those dividing lines in life where nothing will ever be okay really, you just bob along pretending it's okay. And medically, I made a good, if not full, recovery.

and there's not always people to help. I am so isolated now, I am shocked by it still. Makes me wonder if I got it all wrong and should have married.

if you're okay for someone to sell you religion, or able to travel a lot for help, sure. But otherwise, no help.

@Maddy70 not everyone is in a position to make a positive change.

OP I could’ve written most of this post. I’m in the same boat. I realized the other day that I’m just inherently sad, as nothing really worked out for me.

youre not alone.

OP, sorry you’ve had some sanctimonious twats commenting who just have no idea about life.

Two words alone you used - narc parents - say so much. That’s where the trajectory of your life began and the impact of this will be a running thread through all of your other life events.

I’m sorry things have played out for you the way they have. It’s not your fault, you didn’t deserve it and I am really hoping that as you open up and explore all that you’re feeling, you’ll be able to find a way forward.

OP, I am sorry you are having and have had such a tough time, but your attitude to those trying in good faith to support you is maybe part of the reason you’re struggling, and kind of illustrates the point they are trying to make.

Lots of people have real shit happen to them. Lots. It’s not unique to you.

People who have had shit happen to them are responding on this thread, and you are attacking them in an unpleasant way.

You can’t change what has happened. But you can change what happens now. If you choose to. Your responses suggest you don’t choose to.

🙄