Angry for feeling like they’re taking the pee

[Colliesdiamond]

MIL is (apparently) moving house this weekend, she kept changing the date (messing her buyers around non stop, considering pulling out, every dramatic action basically). DH booked a few days off work to help her pack and get organised (she has arthritis and can’t walk far anymore and can’t use her fingers well). She was originally supposed to move house yesterday but changed it to Sunday for no reason whatsoever. So DH had to book yet more days off to help on the move date (he works alternate weekends which so happens to be this one).
She has not once thanked him or shown appreciation. We had plans spread out across this week which had to be cancelled. We barely get any alone time these days as our baby is a bad sleeper and also teething, we had chances this week which MIL knew about and yet she purposely changed dates around to make it difficult. DH didn’t refuse to help or apologise to me for letting it ruin our plans, when I told him he needs to be stern and tell her she is taking the pee.
DH reverts back to a child around her as she has some huge sulks and tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way, he was emotionally abused by her and didn’t realise until I told him that’s what her behaviour is. He never says no and it annoys me no end that he puts her feelings before us.
I’ve now been told she’s considering moving the date to Monday instead because she isn’t emotionally ready to part with the house and her buyers are considering pulling out and accepting the consequences because they’ve rightly so had enough. MIL doesn’t care. DH has packed an entire 3 bed house and put it all on a removal van by himself. (He had help with large furniture and appliances). No one else was available to help conveniently and MIL cried poverty when told to book professionals. So out of guilt DH did it.
She’s now telling him to stay at her house with her for the weekend so he is there already when it’s time to move (on her say so). The whole family are fuming with her and she is sat with her feet up smiling at the trouble she has caused. I’m now angry with DH for taking on her responsibility and leaving me with 3 children while also not prioritising our alone time we were supposed to have.
Sorry it’s become a huge vent but I’m so angry and upset with MIL controlling ways and DH bowing down to her that I’m close to packing it in and telling him not to come back.
Has anyone ever found an easy solution to these dynamics or will I always be in her shadow?
She never used to be like it, but apparently she thinks I stole him because he’s too busy with our kids to see her daily. Bat shit crazy.

You know what everyone is going to say - you have a husband problem, if he's not prepared to act like a grown up nothing will change

I know I know I’ve told him countless times to stop pandering to her and focus on his family, yet for whatever reason it doesn’t seem to sink in. We’ve had plenty of arguments about her doing things like this and it always comes back to ‘but she’s my mum’. I can’t force him to not help his own mother but he doesn’t seem to understand the boundaries and that she’s doing it to cause trouble ‘she wouldn’t do that’ is my response.

I'd be telling him if he does, not to bother coming home. It's taking the piss and I didn't sign up for a bloke that is happy to be jerked around by mummy's apron strings his whole life.

Surely, once the sale has completed she doesn't get a say in whether she stays there or not - the buyers can kick her out onto the street if she's not packed and out? I'm baffled as to how she can keep putting it off - contracts have exchanged, presumably, she has a date for completion - she can't just not go...?

You need to make it more uncomfortable for him to displease you than his mother.

You already have allies in everyone else thinking she's ridiculous.

So how are you going to make it more uncomfortable for him?

Surely she has a completion date, set by solicitors and she has no choice but to be out by that date?? I don't understand how she is messing about, very hard to do with solicitors involved.

that’s exactly what I’ve told him but I think he’s probably scared of her and does as he’s told for an easy life, he’d rather deal with trouble between us that with his mum it seems.
She’s been putting up a fight and the buyers solicitor said they can’t do anything as she won’t give over the keys, I know, it’s an absolute joke I’m fuming on their behalf. If it were me I’d call the police and say she’s a squatter and broken in.

Brefugee good suggestion, do you have any ideas? I could offer him the dogs bed but that would be too kind.

I don't understand how she can do this. I haven't bought or sold a house for many years, but surely the completion date still applies?

Honestly it's your DH who is the problem here and if you've been telling him for years then I'm not sure why you expected him to be on your side this time.

Although I too don't understand how she can just keep changing the date?

I don’t understand it either, I thought solicitors were more on top of this sort of thing but they’ve told the buyers to wait and they’ll update them. Buyers are texting DH to get her out now but she’s not having any of it. She’s doing it on purpose because she loves the attention and she sees DH as a replacement husband to be her knight in shining armour. Her other children went NC I wish he would.

Get the books by Susan forward - toxic parents/inlaws. He is still in the FOG by the sound of it. If you move your post to relationships you'll get really good responses.

But... if the sale has gone through, just the buyers not having keys won't stop them. They can just go round and break in (it's their house now) and boot her out!

Your DH def needs to stand up to her. But this situation must have even him questioning her behaviour and vowing that it won't happen again, which might possibly work in your favour.

In practical terms, if he said sod it now and went home, she could still be there complaining and asking for help in a month. At least if she moves now, she's moved and there's an end to it - if he stands firm.

He can also start sending her the number of local handymen for the next place. He should never ever have agreed to moving all the stuff himself and should say to her now - book people to unload your furniture now as I've done my back in or I'm going home now-here'ss the number of a company that is free on that day.

This is a chance for him to lay down the law on the unreasonable behaviour as she's moving. Or threaten to wash his hands of it. He might shock her into action.

Narcissistic? My mother is. Home and husband always come first. And vice versa. Incredible.

Think it's a case of forcibly removing her. All of you need to pitch in I think. It's not her house anymore.

I'd start by constantly calling and asking him for info about things that you can clearly handle. And losing my keys, maybe, and so on.

TBH i would be using the words: if you are not in our bed on Friday night don't bother coming back. And then if he wasn't there, I'd be taking me and baby to stay somewhere else, just to drive the point home.

In practical terms, if he said sod it now and went home, she could still be there complaining and asking for help in a month. At least if she moves now, she's moved and there's an end to it - if he stands firm.

disagree. It is for OP's DH to tell her the move is Sunday or he's out. And for him to spend the weekend nights at home with OP and their baby. And if she is still there in a month? he needs to learn to keep saying no no no no no.

And if he doesn't? OP needs to either accept this is her life or make it more difficult for him to say no to her than to his mum.

How is your dh involved with the buyers? How do they have his number?!

Something doesn't add up here wrt moving house. How can the date be so flexible? You mention buyers so surely the date has been legally contractually agreed?

Yes you have a DH problem. If he's the one physically doing the moving, he needs to tell her it's Sunday or he's not helping. And on Sunday he just drives the van where he needs to.

Get her moved and then deal with him later.

OP, are you absolutely certain that your DH is really genuinely helping his mother move house? Because so much of this doesn't add up that I'd wonder whether he's really doing something else when he tells you he's 'packing up her house'.

Has anyone ever found an easy solution to these dynamics
Divorce usually works. He will be forever suckling at her teat, I doubt he didn't display this behaviour before you had a child so expecting him to change now is a fools game.

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. We had a row on the phone over it so I bet she’s happy thinking she’s won and finally destroyed my marriage. She’s always been a cow but it was never directed at us until our second was born. She didn’t like that my kids got all his time and attention so she’d make things up so he’d visit her.
Yes she’s definitely moving house, we took her to the solicitors for the contract and I’ve been sent videos of the packed up van while she sits on her bench moaning at DH.
Why do some women think it’s ok to raise sons to be attached to them and never have a life of their own? Surely you raise them to be good dads and husbands?
I hate their relationship in all honesty. No jealousy but because it’s so bloody weird.
I know I’ll be seen as the bad and controlling wife for demanding he doesn’t help his disabled mother move house, and really I don’t have a leg to stand on because looking at the bigger picture I’m moaning about that. No one else sees what I see that she controls his every move and he lets her. I really am considering divorce at this point.

Has the sale actually already completed?

My god she sounds like an absolute nutcase and an emotional abuser of her own son! Well, I'd be giving this husband an ultimatum at this point, sorry! He either stops having anything more to do with this house move or he stays at his mother's, end of.