Angry for feeling like they’re taking the pee

[Colliesdiamond]

MIL is (apparently) moving house this weekend, she kept changing the date (messing her buyers around non stop, considering pulling out, every dramatic action basically). DH booked a few days off work to help her pack and get organised (she has arthritis and can’t walk far anymore and can’t use her fingers well). She was originally supposed to move house yesterday but changed it to Sunday for no reason whatsoever. So DH had to book yet more days off to help on the move date (he works alternate weekends which so happens to be this one).
She has not once thanked him or shown appreciation. We had plans spread out across this week which had to be cancelled. We barely get any alone time these days as our baby is a bad sleeper and also teething, we had chances this week which MIL knew about and yet she purposely changed dates around to make it difficult. DH didn’t refuse to help or apologise to me for letting it ruin our plans, when I told him he needs to be stern and tell her she is taking the pee.
DH reverts back to a child around her as she has some huge sulks and tantrums if she doesn’t get her own way, he was emotionally abused by her and didn’t realise until I told him that’s what her behaviour is. He never says no and it annoys me no end that he puts her feelings before us.
I’ve now been told she’s considering moving the date to Monday instead because she isn’t emotionally ready to part with the house and her buyers are considering pulling out and accepting the consequences because they’ve rightly so had enough. MIL doesn’t care. DH has packed an entire 3 bed house and put it all on a removal van by himself. (He had help with large furniture and appliances). No one else was available to help conveniently and MIL cried poverty when told to book professionals. So out of guilt DH did it.
She’s now telling him to stay at her house with her for the weekend so he is there already when it’s time to move (on her say so). The whole family are fuming with her and she is sat with her feet up smiling at the trouble she has caused. I’m now angry with DH for taking on her responsibility and leaving me with 3 children while also not prioritising our alone time we were supposed to have.
Sorry it’s become a huge vent but I’m so angry and upset with MIL controlling ways and DH bowing down to her that I’m close to packing it in and telling him not to come back.
Has anyone ever found an easy solution to these dynamics or will I always be in her shadow?
She never used to be like it, but apparently she thinks I stole him because he’s too busy with our kids to see her daily. Bat shit crazy.

I didn't mention a specific day because I wasn't sure which day it now was.

I did say at the end of the post that it was for the DH to stand up to the MIL

This is a chance for him to lay down the law on the unreasonable behaviour as she's moving. Or threaten to wash his hands of it. He might shock her into action.

I don't think I just jump to divorce, because a)that's probably playing lovely into MIL s hands and b) I think you should put yourself in dh's shoes for a bit.

If we haven't been in an abusive relationship, it's really hard to understand the hold it has. Especially a parent-child relationship.
Have you ever wondered why some woman stay with men who cheat on them or beat them? In my mind I would just leave-its easy right? But they've been conditioned

And especially with dh's mom there's loads at play

1. You have to remember that this started when he was very young, for as far back as he can remember, that has been the dynamic. When he was very impressionable that was the way a mother son relationship was portrayed to him . He didn't even know he was being manipulated.
2. It essentially plays on his emotions. She plays the 'but im your mother!!' card and again of you haven't been emotionally manipulated by a parent whose supposed to give you wings, but are now clipping it (and making you feel like they're doing it for you) you won't understand the hold it has.

Hey I also believe it is dh's responsibility to step up, I'm just saying it's not that easy .

I would try to understand and work from an angle of compassion and understanding and asking dh 'what can I do to help you facilitate saying no/setting boundaries'.

Sorry I know it's hard, but I do feel sorry for dh.
Yes he has to step up, but I would try and help him with it.
Can you point him to websites that explain it well? And that maybe give a practice sentences ?
And fully explain what it's doing to his nuclear family.

And this is where I think it's easier to be religious. 😂 The Bible says a man should leave his parents and cleave to his wife.
Easy

Just to agree with the pp. Your husband is a bit of a victim here. I’d try to have a bit of sympathy for him. Rather than issue ultimatums, I’d try to support him to be firm with her.

He’s had a whole lifetime of being controlled by her. Demands from you (no matter how reasonable they are) just add to his stress.

He’s a good man for helping his mum and he needs your help to stand up to her.

I’m now angry with DH for taking on her responsibility and leaving me with 3 children while also not prioritising our alone time we were supposed to have.
Really? can you not manage a few days whilst this happens? it's not as if a house move is every month?
Yous find quite demanding too 🙄

Thing is, there will always be something even when she has long moved in. The 'little jobs' she wants done etc etc. Does she live near you ?

My Grandmother was like this with my Dad and Uncle. She was always expecting them to come round and do things. Apparently, 'they' kept 'her boys' away. 'They' being my Mum and my Aunt. Not so but you know.....

This is crazy. Can you take the children to stay elsewhere for a few days and give him a fright? Tell him that you're considering if you even still want to be in a relationship with him at this point.

Of course he can look after his old mam. But not at the expense of his wife and children, and not when he's facilitating her taking the absolute piss!.