How to let him down gently.

[Trulyme]

I have a work colleague who I’ve become really close with.

We are the same age, have similar interests and just get on so well and so we have naturally become really good friends.

I have been sensing that he is starting to fancy me and worse, thinks that I fancy him too.

He’s never come out and said it, so it’s not been possible to shut it down.
But when I say things, I think that he thinks I’m talking about him or including him or flirting with him.

For example, I will say I want to go X as part of a general conversation and he will say something like - “good idea, I’ve never thought about going there before but I think I’d enjoy it”
Or I’ll say something about my DD and he’ll say something like - “don’t worry I’m good with kids and I know that it takes time to get to know them”.
Or we were talking about snoring and he said that he only snores when he’s got a cold so it wouldn’t wake me up.

Things that if said by a female colleague wouldn’t mean much but if said by someone who fancies you, would mean a lot more.

He’s been acting like he wants to tell me something and just acting a bit more nervous around me recently.

Yesterday, I accidentally knocked something in his waste paper basket so picked it back out and seen pieces of paper with writing on saying things like “do you want to take things further” or “do you want to go for a drink sometime”.

I don’t know if it’s meant for me but I have a strong feeling that it is.
I think it’s so sweet he’s writing it down and trying to find the right things to say but I’m really not interested in him and I don’t know what to say or how to say it.

We work together everyday and I would never cross that line with a colleague.
He is such a nice guy and it takes a lot of guts to ask someone out and so I really don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad in any way.

So any advice on how I can kindly let him down gently?

To be honest I believed you until I got to the bit about the bin.

Ermm ok 🤔

You need to drop it into conversation somehow that you’re not looking for a relationship, or if you are and just don’t want one with him you do need to let him down gently before it goes any further.

”I really value our friendship, it’s important to me and I think you are wonderful but I need to be clear that it is just a friendship for me and nothing else”.

Me too! Honestly sounds like a bad rom com plot.

You are right that I need to be clear and firm but I’m really worried about it sounding so harsh.

I think he’s probably felt this way for a while and I’ve been oblivious and saying things that he’s misconstrued.

He knows I’m single and I’ve said I’m not looking, but even that I am worried he’s taken it the wrong way.

When I said it, he said he feels the same way - I was thinking he meant not wanting to go on dating sites etc but I think he was hinting it’s because he’s already found someone he likes (me) and thinks that I feel the same.

I want to say something before he gets a chance to say it to me first, so I don’t hurt his feelings.

Perhaps I’m in the wrong job then.

Wait until he asks then say no thanks you love being single.

When he made that comment about snoring I would have asked 'what do you mean? We aren't likely to be sharing a bedroom any time soon' or similar. What a creepy comment.

I have told him that I enjoy being single and so I guess this may be easier for him to hear than I just don’t want to be with him.

I wouldn't be too bothered about tiptoeing round him as I'd be annoyed at him being so presumptuous. Wtf. I mean, if it's exactly as you're describing.

This. Why didn't you shut down those type of comments at the time ?

It wasn’t said in a creepy or obvious way, it was just part of the conversation and it took me a few seconds to realise what he had said.

His comments on their own aren’t anything you would consider as flirty or inappropriate and if someone else said them to me I wouldn’t give them a second thought, but the more I think about little comments, the more I think he’s definitely trying to hint something.

I am worried I’ve given off the wrong impression because I’ve not shut these comments down and that’s given him more hope.

Sometimes it takes me a while to process what someone has said.

I wish I had asked him about the snoring though or even made a joke about us not sleeping in the same bed like you say or something.

That sounded like the perfect time to shut him down🤔

The trouble is is that his comments could be being misconstrued by me.

I don’t actually know if he fancies me or just talking openly like I do with him, because we’re so close.

Well it won't be long until he makes another similar comment judging by what you've written, so just be like, 'just to check- you're being hypothetical, right?! Phew! Sounds like you were referring to me there for a minute haha!' if you're close then it won't be awkward to have a bit of laugh with him about it.

Because the comments are said in a way that I don’t know if he’s implying something or not.
If a female friend said the same thing, you wouldn’t even question it.

Its only afterwards I think about what he said and wonder if he was hinting.

I could be completely wrong and he may not fancy me at all.

I have been hoping he says something similar so I can shut it down but he hasn’t yet.

This is what I really hope happens.

We are very close and joke a lot and I’d prefer to let him down in a light hearted way, so as to not hurt his feelings.

He’s not said anything that I can reply with this yet though and so I may have to think of something to bring up.
Perhaps I’ll bring up snoring in some way and then I can shut him down that way.

Yip the bin did it for me. Mind you I did have a friend who used to practice her 'married signature' after a bloke offered her half a Twix.

If a female said to me they don't snore so wouldn't wake me up I'd still ask when she thought we'd be sleeping together. That's just weird.

See I thought it was really sweet and did make me second guess whether I’d say yes or not (I don’t even know if it’s for me).

I guess it’s just a bit different to other men and how they’d approach me or that he’s putting thought into it/is nervous about it.

I like the no pressure approach too, which makes me respect him more.

If he was someone who I liked in that way then I think a note would actually swing it for me.
It’s kind of childlike but cute at the same time.
Although I imagine many women would rather just be asked faced to face.

It was a conversation between a few of us though and no one else seemed to pick up on it or say anything if they did.

One of my female colleagues talks in her sleep and I said something like if I was sleeping next to you and you started talking to me then I’d freak out or something similar.

The snoring conversation in itself wasn’t something that would have got me thinking, it’s when it’s put with other comments from him too which other colleagues don’t always hear.

I used to do that when I was 16 😆

OP it should be quite easy to make it clear in conversation that he's a friend only.

I do worry that I’ve inadvertently given him the wrong impression, which is probably why I’m feeling more guilty about wanting to let him down gently.

I have said what a good friend he is etc but I think he’s partly hearing what he wants to hear.

I’m going to drop some more hints when I see him tomorrow and worst comes to worst I’ll have to just be blunt.

I was also following along until the bit about the bin.
Assuming you are for real - Id just back off and be busy. Talk a lot about all the stuff you've got going on and how glad you are not to be tied down etc.

Hmm if it was in a group setting then, I'd assume he was saying 'you' as in general 'you'. 'Wouldn't' is conditional anyway. It's not the same as 'I won't'