How to let him down gently.

[Trulyme]

I have a work colleague who I’ve become really close with.

We are the same age, have similar interests and just get on so well and so we have naturally become really good friends.

I have been sensing that he is starting to fancy me and worse, thinks that I fancy him too.

He’s never come out and said it, so it’s not been possible to shut it down.
But when I say things, I think that he thinks I’m talking about him or including him or flirting with him.

For example, I will say I want to go X as part of a general conversation and he will say something like - “good idea, I’ve never thought about going there before but I think I’d enjoy it”
Or I’ll say something about my DD and he’ll say something like - “don’t worry I’m good with kids and I know that it takes time to get to know them”.
Or we were talking about snoring and he said that he only snores when he’s got a cold so it wouldn’t wake me up.

Things that if said by a female colleague wouldn’t mean much but if said by someone who fancies you, would mean a lot more.

He’s been acting like he wants to tell me something and just acting a bit more nervous around me recently.

Yesterday, I accidentally knocked something in his waste paper basket so picked it back out and seen pieces of paper with writing on saying things like “do you want to take things further” or “do you want to go for a drink sometime”.

I don’t know if it’s meant for me but I have a strong feeling that it is.
I think it’s so sweet he’s writing it down and trying to find the right things to say but I’m really not interested in him and I don’t know what to say or how to say it.

We work together everyday and I would never cross that line with a colleague.
He is such a nice guy and it takes a lot of guts to ask someone out and so I really don’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad in any way.

So any advice on how I can kindly let him down gently?

What’s wrong with having a bin in the office?

I’m genuinely confused.

And this is exactly why I hadn’t shut it down before now, because everything he says could mean as just friend or as just speaking about in general.

Its only because I can tell he’s been trying to ask me something and then seeming trying to get me on my own, that made me start questioning things.

I’m torn between it’s really sweet and nice and I’m annoyed that this is a friend and colleague who happens to be of the opposite sex and he’s maybe wanting to take things further.

Maybe mention a friend who went on a really bad date recently and say (with a shudder) "I'm so glad to be single"!

It’s not the bin. It’s the notes in the bin. It doesn’t sound plausible that a grown man would write little practice comments on post-it notes about his ‘crush’. How old is he?

I’ve never had it done before I must admit (maybe when I was about 13) but I did think it was sweet.

Our workspace is very open and I’ve noticed a few times he’s acting odd and will start saying something and then someone comes past and he goes quiet or changes the subject (we’re openly good friends/colleagues so going quiet is new).

I then saw him scribble something on paper and I assumed he was going to tell me something about a co-worker or maybe his number.
There was a group chat before he started but it got deleted and so none of us really have anyone’s numbers still.

He came over with the paper and then a colleague came over and he didn’t give it to me but it may not have even been for me.

I assume his thought process is that he tried talking to me in private and hasn’t been able to, so now he’s going to try slipping me a note.

Good idea!

Only if your job is 'scriptwriter'.

Agree the snoring/sleeping comment is creepy and weird. It would be weird from a woman friend as well.

I wouldn’t wait to put a stop to this. Letting the snoring comment pass may well have given him very much the wrong impression. The comment about your children was weird too.

At the next opportunity maybe say, “I’m not sure why I feel the need to tell you this but I do…. I do not want a relationship of any sort for the foreseeable future and if that changes it definitely would not be with someone I work with. Hope you don’t mind me sharing. I feel better for that’ and walk away.

Engineer a conversation about dating or relationships and say "I'm not looking, which is just as well as I'm quite fussy. I won't date anyone who's too old, won't date anyone who [insert traits], would never, ever date a colleague. It certainly narrows down the choices".

The bin got me too.
Move on OP...

Perhaps we just have a closer working friendship group than I realise, as no one seemed to bat an eyelid at mine or his comment.

If people think me making up a male potentially fancying a female at work is good scriptwriting then I’m definitely in the wrong job, as I’d make a fortune.

I definitely think looking back I’ve given him the wrong impression (silly me for thinking a male could be friends with a female and not want to take things further).

I think I am going to have to bring up the conversation, just to have my say as most of the time his comments are within our conversations and it’s already passed by the time I’ve actually processed it.

I can see why many women wouldn’t like the notes but I actually think this is the nicest thing.

I’m very used to men being very forward and quite dominating, which puts me off but I thought this was quite sweet.

Yes, take the bull by the horns and set him straight. Think of it as a kindness so he can look for someone who might be interested in a relationship or just a quiet nights sleep with him 🙂

I’d say to him

”can I ask your advice on something so I can get a man’s perspective. One of my good friends has messaged me asking to go on a date. I don’t want to lose the friendship and he’s a lovely man but I really am not interested in dating at the moment and I can’t see that I would be any time soon. I’m really upset because now I’m going to feel awkward around him” etc etc

if he’s any sense he’ll be thanking his lucky stars he didn’t say anything to you.

The snoring thing is creepy and you should've called him out on it.

The bin thing is plain weird and also a little creepy.

Also weird is that we seem to have a 'my colleague fancies me' thread one or twice a week lately.

Did you really find bits of practice love notes to you in his bin?

He sounds like a grade A creep and I wouldn't worry about letting him down gently. I would invent a new boyfriend that I am truly, madly, deeply in love with to get him to back off. I wouldn't go down the route of saying you enjoy being single or don't want a relationship - he'll just think if he bides his time, you'll succumb to his charms.

You took the absolute words out of my mouth!

I love this.

He would make a great partner for someone and I would hate for him to not find someone nice because he’s waiting for me.

This is a good idea.

I really want to avoid him asking me and me turning him down, as I think that will completely ruin the friendship and hurt his feelings.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say they were love notes.
It was just things like “do you want to go for a drink sometime :)”

He’s definitely not creepy I have just probably worded it wrong.
He’s actually a really lovely guy, really respectful and gorgeous and if he wasn’t my colleague then I’d perhaps be tempted, although I’m a bit annoyed that he couldn’t just keep it as friends.

I have said I am single and I get the feeling he’s staying single too because of that and so perhaps inventing a new boyfriend would be the way for him the definitely get the message.

Those comments you've quoted sound creepy af to me.

I have a terrible poker face so I'd probably be pulling faces whenever he says shit like that tbh. I wouldn't worry about 'letting him down gently' - if and when he asks you out, just say no I'm not interested thanks. Anything else he will take as a challenge.

Has he made any more comments? Surely he must have by now?