MIL makes jokes at my expense

[SportMum1982]

I get on well with MIL. But she has this thing where she makes jokes at my expense, so mainly when we are with DH family. I’ve noticed it’s just with me, not other SIL or DH DSis, just me.

I am quite a forthright and confident person. She’s quieter (usually) and more reserved. Recently it was parents evening for my older DC and MIL told
me to be quiet and listen and not say too much. I’m almost 42!

this weekend was a family get together and she likes to make jokes at my expense, this weekend I said to her well that’s not very kind! And she thought I was joking. I think she just feels comfortable taking the mick out of me a bit as a joke. But I don’t like it!

Bump

I would talk to her quietly and just tell her you have noticed it’s only you she is making these ‘jokes’ at and that you find it upsetting and can she please stop

then if she does it again just very quietly say mil I have already asked you not to do this as it upsets me and walk away, each and every time

or get your dh onside and get him to talk to her

Perhaps someone will be along with a better suggestion but my own mother is like this and the only way I get her to stop is by asking outright, almost with faux naivety “oh gosh, why? do you think I would talk too much?”

Keep calling her out, add that she never does this to anyone else so it's clear you've noticed.

Thanks. It’s always generally in front of other people. It’s like she needs to put me down/knock me back. It’s pretty disheartening. And makes me feel sad.

I feel like she wouldn’t do that with her own daughter and then other SILs I think the youngest would probably cry and the eldest is fierce!

I think I’m this easy going, outwardly confident person and maybe I’m just easy pickings.

I was going to assume you've told her you don't like it but now I'm thinking it doesn't sound as though you have?

In that case she's probably mistaken you as easier for me than you actually are and up for a laugh whereas the other 2 are uptight or would be snappy in response. I'm sorry but I'd have laughed at the parents evening quip and said 'coming from you!' or 'I take it you know that from past experience, then!'

Easier going*

I did tell her this weekend I said that’s not very kind. But she took that as a laugh, and carried on laughing (at me)! I wish I could remember this weekend’s example but I can’t think straight.

Yes maybe she sees me as more fun. But doesn’t mean it’s a kind thing to do. I am nervous about saying anything to her as she’d be upset.

Do you think she senses that you are confident and wants to knock your confidence? My mum hates it if I get too comfident. Once I introduced myself to a friend of hers and she thought that was way overconfident and put me in my place. Some people don't like confident women.

My confidence is useful to her, for example if she’s having a party she’ll always place me with an awkward family member as she knows I’ll happily talk to anyone, connect and find something in common.

She is much more socially awkward. Quite a closed person; but not in a bad way. She’s just different, very wise and incredibly bright. She’s now retired but was a GP. I sometimes wonder if she’s doing it to assert her authority? But I certainly never over step the mark around her, in fact I’d say I kow tow in a way and help/take direction from her. I hugely respect her opinion on the kids etc as they’re all very educated as a family.

Take the piss out of her! Joke about her cooking skills perhaps?

What other sort of things is she saying, @SportMum1982 ?

You need to see her less. and if she asks tell her she makes you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome, she needs to be pulled up on this behaviour.

You could ask DH to say something.

Or just say when you arrive next time-
Mil, no teasing this time, it’s starting to get me down.
no teasing it’s tiring pretending I don’t mind.
Then repeat- no teasing, I don’t like it, I’m starting to feel upset.

Next time she says something, look her dead in the eye and say "when you mock me like that it really hurts my feelings."

And if she claims it was only a joke you can tell her "it's only a joke if the butt of your joke finds it funny, I find it hurtful and mean."

Shut it down completely, every time and ask your DH to do the same.

‘Sandra, did you mean to be so rude?’
’I’m beginning to think you hate me, Barbara. You can’t seem to stop making jokes at my expense.’
’I didn’t hear that. Can you repeat it? Why would you say that?’
’You seem to get a real kick out of trying to embarrass me.’
’Why not pick on one of the others for a change?’
Stare for a moment, ‘Are you ok? That was very unlike your normally kind self.’

Or you could fight fire with fire.

‘Could be worse! At least I don’t have …..’

I find that not looking at the aggressor once they've said their snipey comment then breathing through your nose followed by blowing out through pursed lip, without looking , works a treat.
Just ignore.

I find looking at them, not commenting, smiling and making the moment very awkward works. She’s not nice she’s a bully.

Thanks there has been so much over the last 20 years… it’s always little clever snipes. Usually personal. Targeted at my personality in the main. Generally not physical comments. Often just telling me to be quiet. Or if I say something trying to dismiss it as irrelevant. The problem is she’s highly intelligent.

MIL is a real controlling matriarch, FIL and DH don’t stand up to her much. She does make some digs at FIL. These little things can really grind a person down I see it in FIL. The whole family have a bit of a put down humour. I’ve heard MIL put down her own best friend behind her back. It makes me wonder how she has friends. She can be very judgemental.

@SportMum1982

I am nervous about saying anything to her as she’d be upset.

Perhaps that's what she needs, to get your message across. She's bullying you because she knows you'll absorb it, however hurt you might be, because she won't get away with this behaviour with the other women in your wider family, who might cry or get feisty at her.

You may well get negative reactions from the rest of your wider family and your husband who doesn't seem to be supporting you, the scapegoat, as they won't want her to turn on them, so you'll need to stand your ground. Time to assert your boundaries firmly, or you'll always be stuck in this situation.

Actually, from your later comments about how she puts down her own best friend behind their back and how she treats FIL, she just sound mean, however intelligent she may be.... 🌹

My dad used to do this to me all the time, in front of other people. I stopped going round. He's more civil now I see less of him. Don't put up with crap like this, just because you're related to them.

I just joke back..its probably passive aggressive of me??

Like if she told me not to talk too much..i would most likely quip, oh don't worry wouldn't get a word in anyway if your there ;) and smile.

I think what really gets me is it’s in front of my kids too. I don’t want them to hear me spoken to like that. Right thank you everyone for your support. It really means a lot, next time I’ll stand up to her. I’ll probably end up crying if I have to tell her face to face. Yes she can be mean about others behind their back. So is SIL (her daughter). It’s not the nicest to be honest. Jealousy I imagine.