Boarding school syndrome - and the elderly

[FlyingGreenFrog]

My mum and her sisters were all sent to boarding school when they were young. They went from age 8-18 because their Dad had a job abroad so their places were paid by the UK government. It was a cruel school and by all accounts they were desperately unhappy.

My mum and her sisters are now all in their 70s and seem to be becoming increasingly distressed about boarding school again. My mum was crying to me yesterday about her she begged her mum not to be sent back. One of my aunts has dementia and is beginning to struggle to live independently, but she is also increasing fixated on the awful time they had at school.

I just wondered if anyone else had any experience of this, or if it is a known phenomenon. I want to help my mum and my aunts but don’t know if there’s anything I can do.

Ive always heard about how awful it was, that’s never been a secret. But they increasingly have a new childlike distress about it. It’s very sad.

I'm 66 and had a very unhappy time at boarding school from the age of 8, and ran away twice, and was taken back both times. For most of my life since leaving I've put it behind me in some way , got on with living and generally having a reasonably happy time , but recently I've been thinking about it again and the effects it had on me and my siblings.
Parents are long gone and did what they and their class did for what they thought was the best , and any deliterious after effects were brushed aside and were in some ways common to us adult children in later years, and accepted as not abnormal behaviour within our circle of friends. However, now it prays on me more, and it's effects are of sadness and awareness of the price we paid, including a return of the dreaded Sunday afternoon glooms before going back to school after a weekend break.
I'm sure modern boarding schools are better and kinder than ours.

I'm younger (late 40s) and also went to boarding school aged 8-18 because my parents were abroad. From 8-12 it was horrendous. My second school from 12-18 was better, in that I wasn't mercilessly bullied and physically assaulted daily any more, and my friends from there are still my good friends today. But we all - as adults - talk about the trauma of being sent away from our families to live in an environment where, basically, no one gave a shit if you were upset/homesick/sad. It caused us all to develop a veneer of confidence, bravado even, whilst feeling lost, rejected, and sad inside. As adults this manifests as difficulty in showing emotion and in forming intimate relationships.

There is a book by Joy Schaverien called Boarding School Syndrome. A difficult read but it paints the picture well.

Hi, thanks for replying and I’m so sorry for what you went through. Lots of what you said sounds very familiar - my mum and her sisters all married and had kids, careers etc and seemed to put it behind them to an extent. But now it is back.

The Sunday afternoon gloom you mention - my mum used to have terrible glooms on a Sunday afternoon. We used to dread it as children because she saw no joy in Sundays and would be sad and moody as soon as lunch was over. 😔

I’m so sorry for what you went through.

I’m so sorry you went through this, and especially that it was still happening relatively recently (you’re only a few years older than me). I’m glad you are able to talk about it all with siblings and friends.

I am increasingly realising how much of my childhood was affected by it - my mum has desperate homesickness/separation anxiety if any of us were away. And she was obsessed with us having clean clothes because at school they never had enough clean knickers 😔

I’m younger too, but I still have nightmares about my boarding school and it caused a rift between my Mum and I for many years. My childhood ended at 10 and I’m still heartbroken for my younger self.

I'm a lot younger but have never heard of it. I absolutely loved boarding schol and remain very close to many of my friends from school. We often share happy memories of our school days.

I’m glad you had a nice time but I’m a bit confused about the intention of this post - do you think OP’s mum is lying?

It’s a very known issue in mental health and trauma.
as people get older, their short term memory declines and it’s almost as if long term memory expands to take that space!
generally with trauma, if someone wants to talk about it and is otherwise safe, well and resourced, then just listening will be really helpful- not trying to make it better or offer solutions or positives x

The OP stated "I just wondered if anyone else had any experience of this, or if it is a known phenomenon". Therefore, the intention was to share my own experience of boarding school - hopefuly clarified for you, to put an end to any confusion. 😊

My mum and her sisters are now all in their 70s and seem to be becoming increasingly distressed about boarding school again.
Is it the thought of having to go into a care home that's making them think about it again? Like they're scared of being stuck in the same kind of system again?

I too was an international boarder (government paid) and some of what people have said really resonates. Saw my parents once or twice a year in the first few years and it had a massive impact and still does. It certainly led to me being insecure and introverted but having that false bravado someone mentioned. So I can see how even at 70, when there is less distraction from life (work, bring up kids etc), that some reflection might happen, leading to some sadness.

Someone I know had a very elderly father with dementia. He could only remember traumatic experiences, and he had be taken prisoner by the Nazis in WW2. So that's where his brain took him everyday. Very distressing for everyone involved. Maybe they forget they've repressed these traumatic memories?

Could be way off the mark here, but could it be tied into a general stress/anxiety about their age and what the future holds, uncertainty about who will care for them, will they be too sick to remain in their own homes etc? Maybe in the back of their minds, your mother and aunt worrying they’ll be sent to nursing homes? I can imagine that kind of thinking could open old wounds with regards to boarding school.

The OP stated "I just wondered if anyone else had any experience of this, or if it is a known phenomenon". Therefore, the intention was to share my own experience of boarding school - hopefuly clarified for you, to put an end to any confusion. 😊

I do now understand you misunderstood the question. I assume (as have everyone else answering on this thread) that the OP is asking about older people and past trauma. Not whether everyone had an identical experience at school.

I think it's common in older age for childhood experiences to come back. I am not aware of anything written specifically for older people, but Joy Schaverien's book is fabulous on boarding school syndrome generally.
It's at its root an attachment issue, so a therapist who works with this might be able to help.

Not boarding school, but my elderly relative spent from 80ish till they died in their late 90’s reliving their childhood both good and bad things. Think its pretty normal.

@FlyingGreenFrog I suspect it's exactly this.......I had an extended stay in hospital when my babies were born and i had a very traumatic experience. I wasn't very well mentally due to PND but its the aspects of being told what you can and can't do ,being "locked in", unable to leave through choice and being dealt with by uncaring staff.....aspects were very much like being in school! Control has been very important to me so I can identify with fears of becoming ill and vulnerable in old age. Having worked with older adults, all sorts of emotional ,long buried stuff can come up at this time of life, we often go through a reckoning /reflective period as part of preparation for death...its worth encouraging your mum to seek support if she has the mental space to do so.

My dm was never in boarding school but as she got older..in her 80s and began to suffer with dementia she began to speak lrish which she had learnt at school and rarely used throughout her life. She also started saying prayers she had learn at school etc so l think it is common enough to go back. It's very sad when the memories are so painful. My dh had bad experiences at boarding school. I hope he is not going to experience that as nearly 70 now.

My mother went to boarding school from the age of 6 years old and had a very sad childhood which she has sadly never recovered from.

My DH was sent to boarding school from the age of 19 (as were his 2 siblings) and he had a very hard childhood. He tells me how you could never show any emotion or you would be bullied. His thoughts in it are - you can’t let what went in in hire childhood dictate your life going forward.

I have no advice to give. But my own mother (who is a terrible mother as she never received any love herself as a child) and husband both say they would never send their own children to boarding school.

That should say DH was sent to boarding school from the age of 9 (not 19)!

I actually remember thinking what a selfish mother his mum must of been when I met her when she said to me ‘I had no choice but to send the children all to boarding school’. In a wow is me sort of way.

Well she did have a choice - she just couldn’t be arsed looking after the kids herself.

All 3 kids had miserable childhoods and their sister hardly speaks to their mum now.

Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate talking it through with people. I think you might be on to something about it being a fear of nursing homes etc too. Sadly for one of my aunts this is looking like a possibility and perhaps this is triggering something in all of them.

I’m so sorry for those of you, or DHs or DMs, who have been through similar. What a sad business.

I had the Sunday glooms and never went to boarding school. It's pretty normal.

If dementia is involved, old memories are often foremost. Hence people e.g. reliving WW2, being terrified of planes overhead in case they’re German bombers, etc.

I can well imagine memories of a ‘cruel’ boarding school surfacing.

My friend in his seventies went to boarding school aged eight. He said " You soon learn how to suppress emotions when you're lying in bed in a dorm, trying not to cry because you'll be teased by the other boys."

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