Boarding school syndrome - and the elderly

[FlyingGreenFrog]

My mum and her sisters were all sent to boarding school when they were young. They went from age 8-18 because their Dad had a job abroad so their places were paid by the UK government. It was a cruel school and by all accounts they were desperately unhappy.

My mum and her sisters are now all in their 70s and seem to be becoming increasingly distressed about boarding school again. My mum was crying to me yesterday about her she begged her mum not to be sent back. One of my aunts has dementia and is beginning to struggle to live independently, but she is also increasing fixated on the awful time they had at school.

I just wondered if anyone else had any experience of this, or if it is a known phenomenon. I want to help my mum and my aunts but don’t know if there’s anything I can do.

Ive always heard about how awful it was, that’s never been a secret. But they increasingly have a new childlike distress about it. It’s very sad.

Not the first time I've heard this in people of this age - I think the thought of care homes is the trigger. 8 is too young to send kids away (11, year 7 where needed but only weekly boarding is different). My dd knows someone who boarded from 8 much more recently but he's completely screwed up, not helped by the fact that the reason he boarded was that his parents split and neither wanted responsibility for their kids, so hired a nanny then boarding school from 8

This thread is heartbreaking. It hurts my chest to think of little children away from their parents at night trying not to cry. No wonder your relatives are so affected by it still, OP.

It’s very sad isn’t it? All those ripples of childhood grief 😔

I do think it’s very common for unhappy memories from long ago to resurface late in life. My grandfather never spoke of his war experiences until he was in his nineties.

During Covid lockdowns I joined a community help group and was allocated a very elderly lady nearby. I took her to doctors appointments and did her shopping and stuff. She was amazing, and had had quite a life. She spent a lot of time telling me about traumatic things that had happened to her when she was a little girl, like her mother thinking she was ‘stupid’ until a visiting district nurse suggested she might actually be deaf (she was).

She seemed to need to talk about these things, and to hear them acknowledged. So maybe just a listening ear is something you can do.

Yes! My mum is in her 70s and is talking about the trauma of boarding a lot at the moment. She seems to be having a bout of major anxiety and depression and refers to her childhood a lot and boarding.

Five!

I know the understanding of psychological issues was so much less in those days, but wouldn't common sense tell you that it's a bad idea? How distraught must the mothers have been?

Charles Spencer’s new book about boarding school abuse has opened a conversation about these pernicious places.
As a boarding school survivor I am now exploring psychedelic ‘magic mushroom’ retreats which are apparently a good way to rewire the brain from trauma.