Women comparing births

[intact]

So last night going to sleep, you know when you're thinking about all sorts. I'm due a c section in a couple of weeks and I remember a conversation I had with a friend years ago after my vaginal birth with my first, she had had to have an emergency c section.
We was talking about our births and how they panned out, and she said "well it's not the birth I wanted but at least my bits are still intact"
I didn't think much at the time but now I'm older it's got me thinking that was a pretty shitty thing to say when I'd just had a vaginal birth myself. Does anyone agree ?

It's not just that though, Gemma Atkinson has even said something along the same lines herself.
And also another friend of mine again had said the same thing, that she is grateful to not have been destroyed down there and still be neat.

I think it's pretty bad women are saying this stuff, while yes it may be true I don't think it's something to be said out loud, because it can make women who've had vaginal births feel bad about themselves.
For what it's worth, my vagina hasn't been destroyed, yes it's slightly different and I was stitched up wonky so the one side of my labia hangs down when it never used too but it also brought my dc into the world and I felt pretty amazing because of that. I just wish women wouldn't be so focused on having a neat vagina, because let's face it, it's all because of men and what they'll think isn't it ?

I've had a c section since and the only thing I'm grateful for is my bladder not getting anymore damaged because I had a slight prolapse after my first

It sounds like she was trying to reassure herself about something that she is probably upset about. She wasn't thinking about how it would feel to you. She was just (in a quite tone deaf way) trying to talk her way around how she was feeling about her birth that didn't go as she'd hoped. I had two picture perfect home births (and my bits are still intact), but I don't really talk about my births unless someone pointedly asks, because I'm conscious it may make someone feel uncomfortable. I don't have any hang ups about them though.

I have a friend who is quite militant about breastfeeding with quite extreme views about women who do not breastfeed. Breastfeeding and sleep deprivation over about 3 years nearly broke her. Like she had a mental breakdown and had to leave work and has really struggled even now. It's manifested itself into quite bizarre views on breastfeeding. She's not trying to be a callous jerk. She just hasn't dealt with her own stuff yet and it gets projected onto other people.

As a bereaved mum who has been pregnant 3 times no living children I think u sound grateful. Which is nice to hear. The women who focus on what they’ve been through during childbirth are focusing on the wrong bit- themselves. It’s about bringing their baby safely into the world not what looks good on social media or the story they want. My SIL chose at home birth (even after we gave birth to a silent baby). She had to give birth in hospital & she was disappointed.
as long as your baby is born healthy & like u said bladder is intact & functioning- be grateful & proud. I think.

There was a thread last week about c-sections that got heated; everyone has an opinion on what is a ‘better’ birth, so I’d just ignore her and be confident in your own birth choices.

I’ve seen mums have strokes after birth etc- other mums are fine after healthy babies & still moaning!!

So very sorry for your losses

Yes I think that's it, of course our bodies will change but our bodies are absolutely awesome, it still blows my mind that babies grow inside us and sometimes still have that surreal feeling of, wow there is a human inside me!!

I do think some women focus on the wrong things, to say you're grateful not to be destroyed, though I get it to an extent, it isn't the thing you should be grateful for is it

I agree with a pp they my friend was probably trying to reassure herself and not feel inadequate in a way. I think my other friend though is a little tone deaf to be honest and she even said her partner told her to have an elective for her second after the first one, like it was his choice or something lol

Oh people say all sorts of silly shit. They're usually a combination of thoughtless, and projecting their own personal issues.

I have heard numerous similar comments, several about 'ruining your body'.

Just ignore them, or plan a sassy response to take them down.

It might not be what you meant, but saying your vaginal birth was amazing because you brought your child into the world with it sounds a bit like your saying your section friend missed out because she didn’t get that experience - so a little bit judgemental too! It really doesn’t matter how the baby came into the world, just be grateful it did. No one way is better than the other and most people don’t have control over it anyway so it’s a pretty silly thing to judge women on.

Giving birth is often traumatic, whichever way it happens, and women who have c sections often feel like a 'failure' because the natural birth is pushed so much at nct class etc.

The comments aren't about you or anyone else, women are just trying to deal with what happened to them.

I agree with this & I think control is a big thing. Wanting to be in control when you’re right pregnancy & childbirth is out of our control.

Firstly I am so sorry for your losses.

Secondly women are allowed to focus on themselves. They are not just incubators for new life. It should be entirely their choice to focus on what what will be best for them; vaginal or c-section birth and they don't have to be happy with the after effects.

Oh no definitely not, I think that's been taken the wrong way, I mean it's amazing because it did bring my baby into the world, intact or not. It could've fell off and I'd still think it was amazing. I've had vaginal and c section, so I'm not one to pick which is better obviously. This time is also elective too so definitely not judgey at all

I am very sorry about your losses.

I disagree however that women who focus on what they have been through during childbirth and focusing on the wrong thing.

For a lot of women their birth is extremely traumatic, causing long-term physical and psychological harm.

I disagree & think they should be not happy but grateful (they’re different) with the after effects as they could have found themselves in a scenario where they have the after effects as well as grief and a baby who died.

It's the comments of "at least I'm intact" it is a pretty tone deaf comment to make .

I wasn't on about women who've had traumatic births or anything, not from my examples because our births were pretty straight forward luckily compared to some

Well a bad tear can have life long consequences. Your friend is probably glad to avoid that, and I wouldn’t be bothered by that.

@WhatcomesafteraRainbow

Women shouldn't have to be 'grateful' for any birth injuries or trauma so long as their baby survived.

So many women's trauma and physical damage have been dismissed on that logic. I have so many friends who were just entirely ignored in their recovery after birth, problems waved away because of the arrival of a healthy baby.

I don't think she was talking about a bit of wonky stitching - some women's vaginas are extremely damaged after vaginal births eg. tears through to the anus, vaginal or anal prolapses etc etc. I have worked with people still dealing with painful consequences like this decades later. I had a vaginal birth with my first and c section with my second and made comments like in your OP and mean it!

I think you're taking it the wrong way. Being grateful for something does not imply anything else.

A young woman of 22 though I think probably would be a little sensitive to comments like that. And also remember I know my friend and how they think etc, so I don't think I was taking it the wrong way.

And the reference I made to Gemma Atkinson I can't quite remember but she definitely mentioned her husband in the same sentence of being intact. So it shows some women are thinking of neat vaginas and men

I’ve had two vaginal births that resulted in vaginal injury and scarring. The midwife said to me on the perineal trauma clinic 3 months after having dd ‘it’s not pretty down there is it?’ 🙄. I wasn’t bothered about what it looked like but the pain and functionality of it all was a concern so I think talking about having an intact vagina as a positive of c section is pretty valid tbh.
There’s always someone worse off. People know that. Birth and pregnancy are(on the whole) a messy, dangerous, body changing business in which women risk all sorts of injuries. Some will come off with relatively minor scratches, some won’t survive at all and everything inbetween. If you lost your fingertip you’d still tell the tale, even though you might know someone who lost their whole arm.
Women are talking about birth more now and what happens or doesn’t happen to their bodies and that can only be a good thing in the grand scheme. They can’t always be worrying about who they might offend with their particular experience.

I disagree with you, women should not have to be grateful after birth which they find traumatic or are left with injuries through. Hopefully they are grateful for their babies but even then I say women are allowed to feel how they feel which would help them getting help if they need to for things like PND etc etc.

In fact outside of birth women's issues i.e. endo are other treated so poorly. I think it is time women stopped being grateful with what they get.

Sounds like she may be feeling bitter that she didn't get the birth she wanted?

Also I hate the whole "birth ruins your vagina"
Mine looks exactly the same as post baby Thankyou very much😂

Pre baby*!

I think it's just phraseology. People use filler words and phrases when they speak - oh, ummm, mmm, so, aye, you know, etc. When having a conversation with a friend we tend to be relaxed and don't think too carefully about the actual words. I doubt your friend saying "at least I'm intact" (the words you've stressed have upset you) were intentionally used. She could have said "it wasn't the birth I wanted but on the positive side I have potentially had a more positive outcome with xyz". It's just not how we speak.

I think it's good that women talk about birth, however that may be and whilst your friend was clumsy in her words I think you are maybe dwelling too much on them.