Need advice or insight on husband's strange behavior

[Katmoriah]

Husband of 4 years won't stop changing his mind about staying together, but won't stay away for more than 6 hours after deciding he wants to separate, coming back to say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and our 2 babies. He's been doing this for years, his reasons are always boredom, wanting someone new, wanting an ex back, etc... According to him there are no "real" issues and I am "the best" and he doesn't want anyone but me ever, but he just doesn't know why he keeps going back and forth. He had a rough childhood, mom was a run around type and dad divorced and remarried multiple times, idk if that affected him??? Any advice or insight would be so appreciated.

He had a rough childhood, mom was a run around type and dad divorced and remarried multiple times, idk if that affected him???

No doubt he was affected. But this behaviour is not an inevitable consequence of that, and he needs to stop it immediately. It is cruel and unreasonable. If he feels confused and unsure of things, he needs to go to counselling. But taking it out on you in this way is completely not ok. I think you need to explain that next time he lets himself get to this point (because it is an actual choice he is making to tell you these things) you will have to ask him to stay away for a month or so until he gets his head straight about what he wants. Of course you feel down, this is awful.

I guess because we were really close friends before we were married and could talk to each other about anything so I'm so used to us being completely honest and I didn't realize that was crossing a serious boundary once we got together. He actually is my first so that's probably why

Why are you allowing him to treat you like an option?

Do you have no self respect?

I can understand forgiving him and taking him back the first time but if he did it again I would have changed the locks a refused to let him in.

Being alone is way better than being with someone who obviously doesn’t want to be with you.

Sod that for a game of soldiers. He'll be visiting a prostitute or something then having a guilt attack and crawling back home. I recommend a divorce lawyer and a visit to the std clinic.

Ask him to have counselling to find out why he keeps repeating the cycle. If he refuses the I'd end the relationship. Its not fair on you. I imagine it has a negative impact on your emotional wellbeing and sense of security.

Tell him the next time he pulls this shit that if he goes, it's permanent. Stop letting him fuck you about and treat you like an option!

Next time he goes, get yourself to a solicitor straight away and start discussing divorce. File. Actually do what he's too much of a flaccid penis to do himself and end the marriage. This is no way to live. Don't let him weasel his way back in! When he "changes his mind" tell him "no, it's over, I've had enough of your fucking about so I'm taking the choice out of your hands, we are getting divorced. I know I'm great but you're not and I deserve better. Do you need assistance locating the door?"... Or something to that effect.

His childhood is no excuse for treating you and your children like a fucking Chinese takeaway menu.

I had an ex like this and it turned out he had bipolar. You mention depression so maybe he needs to be assessed for bipolar? They have an "urge to flee" when things get stressful. My ex would go on a three day drinking bender about once a month. It does seems to happen in a cycle. Once we had a child and the behaviour didn't change, I couldn't stay with him any longer but he did get diagnosed a few years later and when I googled it, suddenly everything made a lot of sense!

That must be so boring for you. Personally, I wouldn't let him back. He keeps doing this as there are no consequences for him. We all get fed up at times and push for something better. It doesn't give us the excuse to treat our partners the way he is treating you!

He had a rough childhood, mom was a run around type and dad divorced and remarried multiple times

and now he’s doing that to his own dc….

bluntly, even if this man really works through his issues and finds better strategies and an insight into his behaviour your relationship is unlikely to benefit. He’s crossed a boundary of acceptable behaviour, multiple times and knows that your standards can be stretched and manipulated to suit him. He’s got no incentive to do the hard, and likely painful, work necessary to curb his behaviour and make the effort to unlearn the terrible lessons ingrained in him since childhood. He expects a kind of unconditional love that’s really, really unhealthy in an equal partnership.

You haven’t been supporting him you’ve being enabling him and sadly I think this is a really hard role to redefine.

My advice would be to follow through on the separation and divorce him. You and you children deserve better.

I've wondered about if he had something like this. Did anything change once your ex got treatment?

I mean this very kindly, although it may sound harsh……

He does this because you allow it.

He does this because he has 100% certainty that you will take him back every time.

He can walk out the door, behave however badly as he likes as a “single” man and then come waltzing back in the door, get back together, all without having cheated on you.

Do you beg him to come back? If so please stop. It probably gives him a thrill and an ego boost, makes him feel in control of you.

Next time he says he wants to leave tell him firmly “I cannot take any more of your indecision, your coming and going, your cruel treatment of me and the children. You need to make a decision and stick with it. Either leave and don’t come back, or decide to make our relationship a priority and work to make it better.”

Or better yet make the decision for him, throw him out and find yourself a better partner.

I would tell him that as he is not sure about us then I cannot be with him. He can move out permanently. This kind of in/out would make my wall go up and I couldn't be with him as I cannot count on him and as he isn't consistently choosing us back.

You cannot fix your marriage. It doesnt matter how hard you try or how much you want it. Youre not the one breaking it. You can do nothing here.

He does this because you allow it.
This. He does this because tou let him behave like this. But the only thing you can do is end the relationship. You cannot change the behaviour.

he isnt a stable partner so this cannot be a stable family unit.

This. Save yourself and your children. He's beyond help.

This is creepily similar to one of my siblings marriages!!! 🥴

I say marriage…they are now divorced and it’s the best thing that ever happened- sibling is much happier.

i completely agree with this PP…

He does this because you allow it.

He does this because he has 100% certainty that you will take him back every time.

how my siblings marriage ended was because my sibling went into therapy (my mum and I paid for it) and they realised how messed up the dynamic was…
the next time the “I want to divorce you” card was played they said… “okay. I agree. We’ve tried it’s not working. Let’s start the process and look at how we can separate”
which went down like a lead balloon and a huge amount of theatrics ensued… I was scared that they wouldn’t go through with it…

I am SO happy to have them out of my life. I don’t know if it was bipolar narcissism or what but they were a utterly destructive force and ruined my siblings mental health.

I'm so sorry you going through a hard time, I hope everything works out for you and will pray for you

Ultimatum time. Tell him you’ll take him back as long as he can absolutely promise he won’t do it again. If he can’t, it’s over. If he promises but does it again anyway, it’s over.
I have done similar myself (different issue). He couldn’t promise. I told him to leave. We split up. I’m happier though.

Thank you so much, everyone, for taking the time to talk, I appreciate it, and thanks very much for all of the advice.
Acts 2:37-38
God bless