Need advice or insight on husband's strange behavior

[Katmoriah]

Husband of 4 years won't stop changing his mind about staying together, but won't stay away for more than 6 hours after deciding he wants to separate, coming back to say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and our 2 babies. He's been doing this for years, his reasons are always boredom, wanting someone new, wanting an ex back, etc... According to him there are no "real" issues and I am "the best" and he doesn't want anyone but me ever, but he just doesn't know why he keeps going back and forth. He had a rough childhood, mom was a run around type and dad divorced and remarried multiple times, idk if that affected him??? Any advice or insight would be so appreciated.

Oh - and re your thread title? You don't need an insight on husband's strange behaviour, OP. You need an insight on your own!

Why are you tolerating this behaviour? That's what is really strange. Any other woman would have told him to fuck off long ago, not kept allowing him to return and wondering why he did it.

Next time he leaves don't take him back

why wait? Why prolong the stress of living waiting for him to try and set a bomb off in the middle of her and her dc’s lives?

This is cruel both for you and the children.

You need to take control of this now- he does not keep coming and going - he isn't 5 he’s a fucking adult. However tough its been for him - he has a choice he deals with it and works it through or he doesn’t.

If he doesn’t next time he goes he goes for good. You can do much better than this !!

Why are you putting up with this shit?

but he just doesn't know why he keeps going back and forth.

Don't let him do this.

You have the power to draw a boundary and not let him back to treat you like this.

Exercise that power, don't let him come back.

take the choice away from him
his upbringing probably does cause issues with being unsettled and always looking for something new

but this is no way to live

Attachment disorder/difficulties?
Obviously that shouldn't stop you from setting the boundaries that are right for you in the relationship though.

Either:

1. He wants to be broken up for a few hours so he can cheat and either

• is still talking to the ex (or some other women he regularly mentions to make you feel insecure) and she's just indicated she might be up for sex.
• uses prostitutes and has just booked one.
• uses tinder and has got a date...comes back when it doesn't work out beyond that date.

OR

1. Likes emotionally abusing you. Uses this leaving tactic to take you down a peg or two. They do this because they are abusive, it's usually to punish you for something and get you back in line, under the thumb. And the reasons include

• you've asked something of them that they deem 'women's work' or 'too much'.
• you've pulled them up on treating you or others like shit in some way.
• you're 'too happy' or have recently succeeded at something that brings you joy (eg: promotion or passing a course). They hate when you are happy . It makes them soooo jealous.
• you're busy with work/the kids/something fun that's happening and all the attention isn't all about them (Commonly at Christmas and birthdays that aren't theirs).

1. A combination of 1 and 2. They like kicking you down and it gives them a day out to cheat.

Either way, it's abuse and it's not ok.

It's designed to make you spend your life walking on eggshells. Get out of this 'relationship' for your sake...and your sanity.

How on earth did the two of you actually get to the point of being married?

I don’t mean why did you? in an accusatory way but literally how? Clearly he was able to commit to turning up for the legal ceremony?

But this is not acceptable, @Katmoriah. Ultimately he needs to move out, seek whatever therapy is necessary and then prove that he can be a consistent partner. Not only will this sort of stress shorten your life - just imagine what it will do to your children once they’re old enough to comprehend how their father treats his family.

I’m repeating my question, OP: has he done anything at all to work towards changing this pattern of behaviour? Anything?

It seems to have become some sick monthly ritual for him and a twisted form of control. How many times have you taken his back?

@Katmoriah oh you’re different alright, you’re playing along with this drama lama.

You both need to have some time apart and figure out why either of you think this is an acceptable environment for either yourselves or your children. Would you be happy if your dc’s found themselves in a relationship like this?

You might take your marriage seriously but as he’s already pissed over the vows I’d advise you to write it off and avoid further damage to yourself and your dc.

How many times has he done this? Have you spoken to him about how this makes you feel? I'd tell him that next time you'll be taking him at his word. Explain how hurtful this is and if it happens again that's it and it's been his decision.

My advice would be saying, 'I'll take your keys, pack a case and see a lawyer, it's over for good.'

He claims depression and stress are part of the reason, and I have tried to work with him. Each time I take him back it gets a little better so I thought that was progress, and he started getting closer to God and talking about issues. We even went about four months with none of the bs, but when he lost his job it started again.

Awww poor thing.
Tell him to just fuck off.

@Katmoriah
you’re not listening to what other posters are saying. You are worth more than this. Don’t let him treat you this badly.

OP I say this gently. This is no way to live. You and your babies deserve so much more than this. I am going through my own (not entirely different situation) and after a few weeks of turmoil I know feel, very strongly that I don't want to live like a puppet anymore. You deserve so much more.

@Fizzadora 🤣

@Katmoriah how can you tolerate him talking about meeting someone new or going back to an ex?

Depression and stress are not good reasons for treating you the way he does. Why’s he purposefully making those conditions so contagious? Thats not a good friend never mind a good husband and/or life partner.

Finding a place in religion might be good for him. Tell him to go and ask his church leader for guidance and help working on his treatment of others. He can move in with his dad. You concentrate on keeping your family environment stable and work on yourself. You have to take control of this situation. Even from a sympathetic pov he is clearly incapable of controlling himself, it’s madness that you’re allowing him so much influence over everyone.

Why did he lose his job?

Even he agrees no one deserves to be treated this way, and we are currently separated because I told him I'm done with it. He's telling me he is sorry again and he wants to work it out, but I've heard that before. I just don't know how we would even work on this????

You are not his therapist. It is not your job to try and fix him.

If he is depressed and/or suffering from stress, then he needs to seek professional help and counselling to help him sort himself out.

He works on himself with therapy. And you work on yourself and your boundaries. You do that whilst living apart

Think God would be pissed off this waste of space is using him as an excuse tbh.

He'd be up there going 'you're sorry!? Well bloody well do something about it then you arsehole! See a therapist. Get on medication for your depression! STOP leaving your wife every five minutes you headwrecking twat!'

Sorry means fuck all if he's just going to keep repeating the same behaviour.

He's not sorry. He genuinely doesn't give a monkeys that it hurts you (probably because it's supposed to hurt you).

People who love their partners do everything they can to avoid causing them distress. If he cared a jot and it really was his depression then he would seek help of his own accord. Not just come back and keep hurting you with the same shit over and over again.

Arseholes like to pretendthey are godly. Thar they are working out their character kinks with God, so whp are you to judge? Except, they then show zero character development whatsoever. They continue to act like swines.

I'm telling you, if the big man is up there looking down on us all, he's telling you to get your fucking boots on and run for the bloody hills!

Has he been properly diagnosed or seen a psychiatrist?

He could have bi-polar disorder or some other mh condition?

That aside, why are you letting him dictate everything op?

You are only four years in to your marriage. This should be the easy bit!

And the dc are only small now but it won’t be long before they start noticing his lack of commitment. You are going g to have to start protecting them and yourself from his inconsistent upsetting behaviour.

Love is a verb, not just empty words. Look at his actions not what he says. And then decide what YOU want!