How on EARTH do you make friends as an adult?

[olapa]

I'm panicked that I just won't make friends in adulthood now. I'm honestly so desperate to just have friends, DP is great, but he doesn't fill the girl friends hole

I have a hobby, met various people through that route one of whom I would say is my best friend. Do you have things you like/would like to do locally?

The friends I have made in adulthood are mainly through shared interests, and I have had to make a concerted effort to put myself out to try new things and go out of my comfort zone.

For me I need a shared interest or someone who will “make” me their friend (because I’m too awkward to instigate friendships.

Have a baby.

Work, hobbies, parents of DC's friends, volunteering, studying.

Family friends/connections who become friends, friends of friends, work, study, kids school, kids clubs, my hobby, neighbours/neighbourhood.

@Babymamamama I've done that, twice

All the other parents at school are at least 10 years older than me and it always makes me feel as though there's a barrier.

I joined a hobby last year but no one there socialised much.

I'm self-employed and don't tend to meet anyone at all through my job. And I do study but all virtual!

It just feels really difficult

I moved to another country and didn't know a soul so I joined meet-up groups. Followed what was on locally on facebook and joined in. I have loads of friends now it just takes some initial courage

Volunteering with local charity
Weekly Italian class
Joining local women’s rights campaigning group

I’m 50 & they’ve all worked for me in the past couple of years.

Just noticed you’re probably a lot younger, but still.

Depends on the hobby, but with some you need to do an ‘event’ to really feel you belong - like with music/drama you would feel better after a show. But how about asking if anyone would like to meet for food before the group? Or go for a drink after? Maybe they would socialise if there was an offer.

All the other parents at school are at least 10 years older than me and it always makes me feel as though there's a barrier.

That's a barrier you're creating for yourself. The best friend that I've met through DC's school is more than 10 years older than me. So what? That's the nice thing about being a grown-up, these things don't matter. I have friends from their 20s to late 50s and beyond.

I’m an older mum and actually made some really good mum friends with people younger than me. Once you’re a grown up age doesn’t really matter honestly.

I’ve made friends with mums 10 years older and vice versa. Don’t let that be a barrier (though if you were, say, 19 and everyone else was 29 I can see your point. Assuming you’re over 25 it shouldn’t be a factor!)

Is there anyone you like at the hobby. Can you arrange a coffee or a linked meet up?

Maybe I need to change my mentality regarding age with other parents - it's probably just insecurity, I always feel slightly out of place!

@Brandyginger I'm not over 25, but I'm closer to that than 19

I volunteer with a local charity. I’ve met loads of fantastic women, and have made some really good friends. It wasn’t instant, but over about 18 months the friendships have deepened.

Through shared interests. If I think about my friends - one I met at yoga, one I met at an evening class, one is a school mum whose kids were not in my year but we did a bit of PTA stuff together, our kids got on and we discovered we had very similar outlook on life and both love a good walk. One is a school mum who I didn't really get on with at all until we discovered we had something very nerdy in common that we could happily chat about for hours. Now we do lots of other stuff together too.

It often has to be a bit more than just school-gate friends. A shared outlook on life (same religion or same politics or fitness freak) is a good start and then if you have other things in common, it grows from there.

It takes time. It can take two years of going to a class before people meet up socially outside of class. So join something you genuinely love for its own sake, and stick with it.

Also, get chatting with classmates in your online study group. Some of my best friends in the world I met either online or through friends I met online. If you get on with people just suggest a meet up. I go to a big meet up about once every two years for an online group that is now defunct but about 15 of us really got on. Three of those people are now some of my closest friends, others I've worked with or for over the years. It's one of my favourite groups of friends.

Hobbies (try a different one if the first one didn't work), school gates (still friends 10-15 years on), work, neighbours, friends I made 20 30 years ago at uni, old school friends.

My friends range up to 15 years either side of my own age so please give your head a wobble on that point! 😁. You can be friends with anyone of any age if you click.

Hobbies and voluntary work. Places where other people "want" to be rather than "have" to be like a workplace. People with a hobby or voluntary work tend to be more invested in what they're doing and so tend to be like minded and more likely to be similar personalities and open to making friends.

Hobbies/voluntary work involving a lot of "hanging about" time are better than those requiring concentration. Such as a rambling/walking club, litter picking, etc. Those requiring concentration like model making, crafts, art, etc tend not to be quite so good as fewer chances of having to chat!

Personally, I made loads of lifelong friends in two activities that I did in my early 20s when I realised I had none and did nothing other than work! I first joined the Institute of Advanced Motorists and when I passed their test, I joined the local group as an observer (sitting with other "trainees" observing and advising on their driving, so basically an hour sat with someone that promotes chit-chat) and social events like table top rallies, visits to police HQ, treasure hunts etc. The other was voluntary work as a Special Constable which involved 4 hour stretches of walking the streets on patrol with another, or day long events doing crowd control, traffic control, etc., where you get "paired up" with another for long periods, so again promoting chit-chat.

I often come on these threads to say hobbies. I often turn down invitations from my regular classes, so there are friendship opportunities, but you say you only joined last year and it can take a lot longer than that, especially if just once a week. As I do the same hobby at different venues and classes I tend to mix in the same circles and bump into people.

You could join the WI. There's a mix of different ages in some. But choose a hobby for enjoyment rather than put pressure on yourself that you're doing it to find friends.

I've thought of another one - my beautician became one of my best friends. I always have great chats there!

Don't let age be a barrier! I've got 2 lovely friends at work, one is 53 and the other is same age as my mum (60) and we're going out soon for a few hours on a weekend (I'm late 30s). I don't care for age, as long as we have a good time together that's all I care about.

It's much harder to make friends as an adult for sure, as it doesn't come as naturally as it does when we're kids, plus many adults already have friendship groups and are not generally looking to expand it.

My friends are either from when I was in school or i met them through having kids.

Let me just say it's even harder when you're quiet/shy/introverted etc because you can't put yourself out there like other personality types.

I'm guessing you live in England? Good luck, as you will need it. Never met such closed off people in any other country.