How on EARTH do you make friends as an adult?

[olapa]

I'm panicked that I just won't make friends in adulthood now. I'm honestly so desperate to just have friends, DP is great, but he doesn't fill the girl friends hole

Put yourself out there, say yes to things, go to things
Be positive
Funny and self depreciating
Let yourself be vulnerable sometimes
Compliment others
Talk about interesting things
Be real, no mask

So many of these threads are filled with "but I'm polite and friendly" It's just not enough.

If you find out let me know!!

I've had 2 babies and attended so many toddler groups. My son is at school now and I know names of some of the mums but can't seem to make actual friends.

I've worked in the same place 6 years and don't have a single proper friend.

I've tried the mum meet up apps but there's only a few people in my area and after a few messages they tend to stop replying.

It feels like everyone already has friends and doesn't have any interest in meeting any more.

Parents at school... both mums and dads

Women's hockey and cricket

Friends from uni

Friends from previous workplaces

DCs go to an amateur dramatic group where the adults are a big group of friends

I think what makes the difference is DOING things WITH other people, not just alongside them, or just being in the same place at the same time

But then there's tons of threads like this. So there must be many who don't have any.. maybe lonely people are only looking at the groups and wishing to be in them.
Look for the people who are always alone like yourself

@Disturbia81 I see posts like mine a lot. I put a post in a local facebook group and got so many responses. I set up a WhatsApp group and tried to arrange meet ups. 1 person turned up once! There were at least 20 of us in the group.

Omg!! I decided, if it's too much effort, then it isn't worth it. I m at the stage now, like me or don't. Im a great listener, friend and will always be anyone's cheerleader. If someone can't accept that, then they can't accept me. Take back Ur worth, I seem lovely.🤗🤗🤗

I've made friends at work over the years ... These friendships (two long standing ones in particular) have happened when I've "clicked" with someone and we've stayed in touch after they (or me) have moved on. I'm in my 50s and have a newish friend who I met in a work-related way although she works for a different organisation. It's lovely as I thought I was done with "new" friends. You do have to nurture it though, and make an effort.

@olapa ,lmao olapa, I meant you seem lovely. Flippen autocorrect!🤭🤭🤭🤭🙄🙄🙄

That's a shame. Do you think most people who feel they have no friends don't have them due to insecurity/shyness/introversion?
So then when an opportunity like a meet actually comes up they can't bring themselves to. Like a self fulfilling prophecy. They want friends and feel lonely but can't make the actual effort.
I've found that you have to push yourself and make yourself really known otherwise people just don't see you.

@Disturbia81 possibly that's part of it.

I also think people have limited time for friendships outside of work/family life and therefore it's just easier to prioritise the friends they already have.

Making and keeping new friendships requires effort.

Didn’t work for me! 🙈 I’ve only really made friends through work and much later through a child’s ND. Baby groups were mainly full of nannies that didn’t want to socialise and a few had mums that were tricky to talk to. My NCT group (second baby) only met when my older child was on school run.

I’d made friends through a hobby, where chat was about a subject I found fascinating. I love connecting on that level. As soon as I get time back from parenting young children, I’ll be joining some groups I’ve wanted to join for ages. I do think modern life makes it harder.

I joined the most brilliant choir a year ago. Best move I ever made. Made some very real, very special friends.

Also, I find theatre is a great way to meet people, as you all come together with one aim in a short time. You don’t have to act - everything from props, prompting, make up or front of house needs doing.

usually basic chit chat at first with different people then if you see them regular build on the chit chat

Put yourself out there.
If you wfh, go and work in some 'Warm Welcome' places.
Join a group doing something that interests you.
Volunteer.
Go to Church.

Then talk to people.
Accept invitations.
Try things you've not done before.

Friends tend to be a numbers game - the more people you chat to and do things with, the more likely you are due to meet people that you make a deeper connection with.

I moved to a new city, child-free, at 30 and meetup.com really worked for me.

I then moved again at 38 (with kids) and a few months ago I realised it's 3 years later and I'd still made no friends. What didn't work for me was toddler groups and an exercise class. So I've REALLY pushed myself the last few months. I'm self employed too and have been working hard at linking up with others in my field using Facebook groups. I've organised my own meetup through this.

I've also made myself be really proactive in making friends which is so out of my comfort zone. I did a birthday party for my 4 year old and have then used the phone numbers of other parents I got through that to message a few of them to organise play dates. I even got brave enough to ask a new mum at nursery for her number when I bumped into her at the swimming pool the other day and suggested we get the kids together.

I'm also joining a sports team in the spring that I know has an active social element. It's a bit like the 'back to netball' scheme. I wouldn't really have an interest in the sport and I'm not at all fit, but the group is non-competitive and aimed at mums who have no experience in the sport. I'm only joining it to meet people, so I'll see how that goes.

I think this is the issue- people feel lonely and want to meet friends but the reality is that modern life means people are too busy to nurture friendships.

It takes time. One meet up isn’t going to get you instant friendships, but long work hours and family commitments take up so much time. Add in a trip to gym a couple of times a week and there’s maybe one free night a week.

the best ‘new’ friends I’ve made in adulthood have been ones that have developed naturally though shared interests / bumping into them at the gym regularly/ kids activities etc…lockdown was also good as people were staying local - slowing down made it easier to meet friends

I think the best thing is to make meeting people part of your routine…the usual cliches I’m afraid !

it is hard though…

Work! I change jobs every few years and always take friends with me. You said you're self employed but do you work with different people that you could strike up a friendship with? I worked for myself for years and when I moved contracts I'd make a point of keeping in touch with people and meeting for drinks.

Or just generally put yourself out there. Contact old friends. Or say to new people 'this might sound weird but I wondered if you'd like to try (x activity)?' Join groups or start a book club via your local Facebook group - there's a very successful one where I live that was just randomly started by someone.

Yes! Been there, done that. No one ever genuinely interested in meeting up when I've 'put myself out there's as people put it.

Sorry to say but many failures and eroded confidence means I'd be reluctant to turn up (even though I'd be tempted).

Do any of you live in the midlands 😀 I'm at a real strange stage in life where at 44 my kids are grown up, so no school mum friends! And I don't have any hobbies. It's so hard to make friends as you get older!

Do you live outside of the UK?

Sports clubs (walking, gym, pilates, park run)
Volunteering/being on fundraising committee
Meet up app

I joined the WI recently. It’s early days but the welcome was warm and there are a lot of women my age who I think I’ll have much in common with. They meet in the evening so it’s OK for those working.

I get the impression that the groups vary in terms of age and activities, so it’s worth checking the relevant website to see if the group offers what you want to get involved with. You can be a member at more than one WI group too.