To think it’s tedious when adults are precious about their birthday (not big birthdays)

[GotMooMilk]

We have been invited out for a friends birthday (33 or 34- not a ‘big one’) and one friend has asked if her sister visiting from Australia can come out. The response was along the lines of ‘she can if you want if she will be alone otherwise but I’d rather I knew everyone there properly as it’s my birthday’.

Maybe I’m being unfair but when adults are precious about ‘their birthday’ and wanting spoiling from anyone beyond their partner/parents I just find it so tedious. My own birthday I’ll go for dinner with DH or lunch with the family but wouldn’t be offended if something came up on the exact day and we had to celebrate at a later date it’s no big deal. I had a friend who was was really annoyed at me (told me this!) for not ‘making an effort’ and coming out for her birthday despite booking a table for 7 midweek when I don’t finish work til 8 on that day. Aargh!

Oh my goodness yes, I'm in the don't celebrate group but big round elder numbers always get a fuss and a lot of planning. We are doing an 80th beginning of Feb, a surprise one and we've been planning for a month and organising. Having other people come from same age range takes a lot of planning and their families have to bring them too.

Slightly lower round numbers get a decent fuss too.

I blame that song - it's my party and I cry if I want to, encourages self pity

That's a non tedious example which I'd gladly except.

It's quite different to the many tedious and precious examples being shared.

Meh, I prefer to let people enjoy things.

I don't make much fuss, but I'm happy to indulge others.

@DilemmaDelilah your description of birthdays is very normal and not at all precious. Birthday weeks, massive celebrations that set an expectation of other people spending time and money etc. are "precious".

I don't think that's being particularly precious. I think you're reaching a bit tbh

My mum is a Christmas Day baby. She makes the same joke every year "you didn't all have to take a week off work and decorate your houses and have special movies on telly just because it's my birthday."

We do focus on her birthday in the morning and then get more Christmassy as the day goes on.

Is this a joke post?

It's ONE DAY in a whole bloody year some people want to feel appreciated. I can't understand people turning their nose up at this. Get down off your pedestal!

I'm in a walking group. At this time of year we have a new member join us for each walk ( new year, get fit , meet new people type of aim). Some of those people make an effort to chat, to be interested in other people to engage with the existing members. Those people fit in really well and its an absolute pleasure to be around them.Some people only want to talk about themselves, have no idea how to have a conversation, barely talk at all, attempt a long monologue on their own passion. There are always regulars and we swap about as we walk so no one is stuck with a tricky person. A party is a totally different dynamic, particularly if part of it is sitting at a table. I would be very concerned at adding a new person that only one one person knew. When my son and DIL got married we had a dinner the night before. The brides sister had travelled from America. She was spikey, monosyllabic and downright rude. It was a long evening.

@Blondebutnotlegally

This is true, some people may only get appreciation on their birthday and not at all any other time.

Maybe many people here are appreciated throughout the year so the birthday is not as important?

Never thought of it that way. The week long appreciation is pushing it though 😂

Only on MN is celebrating a birthday 'precious'!

Well, some of the examples (if true) are indeed examples of people being utterly ridiculous

But the general idea that - whether it's a birthday or not - you don't bring extras to someone else's do, is a sound one.

Birthdays are weird in that some people really expect the works and other like myself aren't bothered. Same with Christmas for adults. I think maybe it's partly about love language, so attention on a birthday really means something to some people, beyond just being a bit egotistical. I think in particular it's easy for people with partners to say they just do something low key; if you're single that's not necessarily an option and a thing with friends becomes more significant and then maybe it sometimes comes across as precious.

Celebrating is not precious but expecting others to go above and beyond is

Don’t get me wrong I don’t dislike other peoples birthdays and as per the example if I was invited out for a curry I’d love it! I love an excuse for a get together and make the effort for weddings, celebrate people’s achievements like marathons/new jobs etc. I just find it hard to bite my tongue when people want a massive fuss for their mid week 43rd birthday. I think we are quite a low key family (other than the kids who we obviously make a fuss of!).

In my example it wasn’t a meal it was a night out and even if it was a meal of course we wouldn’t have put the birthday girl next to a relative stranger all night! I understand from the replies some people aren’t as open to new people joining in- I do get that.

I’m in a weird halfway opinion about this - we make a very big deal out of birthdays, but it’s strictly between my husband and children and I. I’d never host an exclusively birthday meal or party for myself with ‘outsiders’ - find the idea really embarrassing and always have! I love my little family’s love and attention but actively avoid attention from anyone else!

I hate birthdays, so mine tend to slide past
Some people love them and make a big deal of them
Every one is different

Celebrating is not precious but expecting others to go above and beyond is

For a significant number of MN posters must wanting to celebrate a birthday is going above and beyond.

It’s the aversion to one person in the group that they don’t know that I find pathetic.

A friend’s sister. Amongst a group of your friends. Slight change of dynamic at the beginning but surely after that the chat is the same. They will listen and laugh at the inevitable reminiscing and not expect to join in with that, all fine. Then the conversation will flow as usual.

Well no one REALLY gets that much appreciation all year.

My friend has a party every year for her birthday, its one day when she gets all her friends and family together for a celebration! We also do something on her actual birthday day/evening. And she will usually have a meal out with her husband at some other point in the week!

I don't have enough friends nearby enough to do this but I appreciate that it's one week a year she feels all fuzzy and cared about, we have kids so when else does that happen? 🤣

I don't think a bit of fuss and attention for your birthday is unreasonable. It's when it gets to OTT preciousness. Everyone deserves to be shown love and appreciation on their birthday, but that doesn't translate into it being a central event in their entire wider family and social circle's lives, involving expensive gifts and/or elaborate celebrations.

If people need that much attention to feel cared about then they're either very self-centred or too needy.

Again, for the hard of reading. A cake, cards and messages, some thoughtful gifts, a bit of time with family and close friends to mark the occasion are absolutely fine. Asking your friends to chip in for a helicopter ride to Paris and a shopping spree at Chanel is precious.

My last big birthday celebration was when I was 9.

My parent's didn't believe in big birthday celebrations for me so there was no 18th, 21st etc. It did make me feel really sad and unimportant. I was in a fairly new relationship at 30 so he didn't acknowledge it at all and one of my friends was going to throw me a surprise party but her husband said it might clash with whatever my family had planned for me and they might feel outdone and get upset with her so she took cold feet. My family hadn't planned anything. So that one went by too.

I'll be 40 this year, single and childless, so no DH to arrange anything. One parent said "we should do something nice for her 40th." and the other has apparently replied, "yes, we should take her to M&S." So...there's that. I can afford to throw myself a small party but for some reason, I just feel really awkward about it, I don't know how to do the "birthday girl, centre of attention" thing and hate the idea of people feeling they have to get me something or give me special treatment. Then what if I pay for a venue and no one comes? Is it not better to just do nothing? And it's not that big a deal, just another day really.

I think because I was raised to never expect any fuss made of me and my parents had a real fear of spoiling me, raising a braggy child etc, that the whole "it's my birthday/wedding day, it's all about me me me!!!" thing just passed me by and now I feel all kinds of awkward when people do make a fuss of me. It's probably a good job that no one married me because I get very anxious about the whole "bride" thing...the idea of walking down the aisle with everyone staring?!

I read posts on here or know people irl where for birthdays they go on huge holidays with all their friends or get whisked off to NYC or whatever and I'm not envious, I know that it's more the norm than not celebrating at all but I can't relate to it. I think I've been trained to have really low expectations. I LOVE going to other people's celebrations though and I can't wait for my best friend's next big birthday and my parents tend to do at least two big cruises or "holiday of a lifetime" things for their big birthdays that I've been invited to before and have nice memories of.

I think it's really nice that people do something fun that brings people together to celebrate birthdays. I wish I didn't have as odd an attitude to my own milestones as I do. Yes it's a bit silly when people go on and on and act like they're 5 years old but there is a balance to be struck and I think if you really care for someone then you don't mind making them feel special and cared for. I can look back on my loved ones birthday celebrations and they make up a big part of the positive memories of my life. I think I'd only feel negatively about it if they are someone I generally don't like...self centred people for example are self centred all year round, but on birthdays/wedding days/baby showers/engagements etc they can tip the scales into unbearable. So maybe sometimes the negative feelings can be about the individual rather than "all adults who celebrate their birthdays big style!"?

I just don't get it, at what age do people think the fuss should stop? Very sad

If the fuss is about your guests feeling entitled to add further guests to your party, then surely the answer is "never"