Adjusting expectations of life.

[ThreeBeanChilli]

I'm mid 40s and realising that my moment may have passed to be able to earn well. My husband earns just under average I think and myself half that (part time.)

How do people adjust to lowering their expectations of life?

I think I left uni with a mumsnet view of expecting to have a house with more than 1 loo, with options and choices around d where to live, hobbies, holidays etc. Not necessarily well off but part of society that does these things.

I'm finding as we've got older the gap between us and our peers has widened and I guess at the age I am its the realisation we won't di the fun holidays we'd hoped to do. We won't be thinking "Oh next year well do the fjords".

Or even not sure well be able to properly support kids through uni.

Having a house that needs a bit of a face-lift but us "okay".

We have some health issues too which we can't throw money at as we don't have it. We can't "sort the garden" as we can't afford to dig up the concrete/sort the patio etc.

I know lots struggle more than us so it isn't at all a "woe is me" but more how do you adjust to reduced expectations, from moving in a very middle class world to being not able to access that world at all?

Hope that makes sense!

To me you are living part of a life thought I’d be living as I approach 50- working part time. A separation means that will never be possible. I have a chronic health condition and struggle - especially feeling it Monday morning! I’m the only one where I work who is full time- mostly women of a similar age.

Life is about compromise. You've got immediate earning potential in thst you could go full time.

An extra amount of work per week could pay for your fjords trip (it's not actually that expensive ) or sortingthe garden.

You are only midway through your working life so you could still make a change if you wanted to do something different and earn more.

I have to work part time due to a health condition and I am currently really resenting that as I'm quite low paid.

I so wish I'd trained in something higher earning before I got unwell/had kids so could do the work from home/flexible working thing as I think I'd be able to do more.

It's a weird kind of hard isn't it when you feel life slipping through your fingers.

We don't fit with the old circles of middle class professionals at all any more. But live in an area where many more local/non uni types have family and friends around them and are doing well in a different way

I've not slept well and am not explaining myself at all well I realise!

Zen - no I think that's part of the issue. I can't earn more and I also have 2 autistic children that currently need me in their secondary years in ways I never predicted.

If we had spare money currently it would go on trying to keep up with what we are doing l. I can't see how a patio/a foreign holiday "doesn't cost much" unless you earn quite well or are quite settled tbh.

Our energy bill has doubled, mortgage going up etc like most people. And finding that at the time of life I think I thought things would be easier they're bloody hard.

If I could go back 20 years I would qualify as a psychologist or persuade a career with a structure such as an OT. I was super bright and nearly pursued a maths degree but went into history instead. I have degrees but now a chequered work history and I'll health and not able to retrain full time which is the other issue or I'd have looked at retraining as a psych over the last 5 or 6 years.

Not sure what your medical conditions are and if it affects both yourself and your husband. Why do you need to throw money at it? There are charities that advise on lots of chronic conditions . Have you explored all possibilities?

Are you able to do any further study or retrain in your non work time? Because you said you could do kore if you had the flexibility or wfh.

To be honest in most fields I think there is potential for growth eg if you are a carer, you can work towards being a care manager? If you are a cleaner, there is potential to run your own cleaning company?

And yes irony of wanting to be an ed psych when my life is a mess isn't escaping me 😂.

It's more the whole not fitting in and this being "it". I know the answer is likely acceptance and rebuilding but how? Would love to hear advice.

@ThreeBeanChilli a lot of people with history degrees are actually high earners. A famous one is the head of the bank of England...... a lot of accountants and lawyers have history degrees. So it's not the degree.......

No my husband doesn't have ill health and is happy in his work. It just isn't overly high earning (but not minimum wage- just isn't a high earning career).

I'm working using my first professional qualification but for peanuts. The next level up require experience of project management and line management which I don't have although I tried last summer for a role I wasn't able to get (for those circular reasons).

I cant really see a different route tbh. I think this is "it" and I need to learn to adjust but I would love to do differently.

Chopc I am well aware its not the degree! As I said lots of friends from our previous worlds are high earners hence the mismatch with life where we aren't in that world.

However degrees and chequered history at 45 and only able to work part time is very different from shiny history graduate about to embark on a management scheme!

Your kids don't have to go to uni so I wouldn't worry about that particular issue. Uni is not better nor does it automatically increase earning potential.

Is your health condition improving or stable? What are the job prospects for your line of work? You can change company for a different perspective and opportunities. How your life is at 40 doesn't reflect forever.

Do you and your children get pip/dla? It's possible that with disabilities you'd be entitled to some uc.

Agree with the pp. If your health conditions are significantly limiting what you can do, then you should look into claiming disability related benefits.

Jk they're in a grammar school and very definitely want to go to uni (and earn well- I'm acutely aware with our lack of contacts/experience we aren't able to guide them and being autistic their path won't be smooth but that's another thread) . I've got a friend whose son is doing an apprentiship/degree on the job so well aware there's other options but they're in the same academic track I was. I guess I want them to fly rather than flop like me.

Ronnie - one gets dla. I got rejected for pip about 10 years ago but have wondered about trying again.

We earn over the limit for UC (I think we might be eligible if we rented/had childcare needs but my understanding is fuzzy) . We had UC in covid.

We're not struggling to feed the kids/struggling in a way someone newly single on benefits looking for housing would be etc and I'm truly not claiming that.

More that fall from living in fairly m/c circles where people ski/move up in professions/have space in their house to entertain etc to completely not that at all. And frustration with career too. What I do helps people and is rewarding but I so wish it was a proper salary or a career with scope to improve. I stepped down from my first career (ill health) and so wish I'd retrained in a different profession prior. Even OTs/other allied health professionals have a scale and can earn reasonably well without being the higher earing careers youd usually think of.

Also the one that gets dla will be 16 next year and I think the move to pip is far from automatic. As her issues are around autism but she is super bright I don't want to assume the dla will continue.x

I know she can access student support etc with uni though whcih we would pursue.

Actually losing dla will be another thing that will make a huge difference to us just as she wants to learn to drive etc 😬😬😬

I know how you feel op. The gap seems to widen in our 40s. Some uni friends are now very high earners and we are not in the same league. I have had to adjust my expectations and be grateful for what I have. I try to save money where I can and think that we'll probably be able to do more once the kids are older. I too wish I had trained to be something else, like an accountant. I almost did medicine but decided not to, that's a big regret but I know if I had I wouldn't have my amazing children so maybe my life is better as it is now.

Thanks SaveTheNHS yes that is it exactly. I love them to bits and I am okay when I don't think about it too much. But we've fallen out of wealthier circles and I think life is just a bit grey at the moment and feels so restricted in what we can do.

I've fallen into a "mum job" and surrounded by ladies in their 50s who either had a career before or had a higher earning husband so are enjoying being able to help others on lower pay.

I'd quite like to work in a library when I get older. It's probably a similar circle or reasonably educated people working for not that much.

But it's a strange world . These type of jobs only exist at low pay as historically it's been educated women who have done them...

I think NuLabour promised a lot to our generation. We’re the same age and I get it. My 20s went pretty well, then life kicked in. You’re doing so well. You probably have everything you really need. Lifestyle creep doesn’t necessarily bring additional happiness.

I hear you OP, and feel that some people are maybe missing the point. I can't understand the poster saying about holidays and a new patio 'oh it's not actually expensive' . Of course it is, you can't magic up money you don't have.

I think there is an element of having to accept what you've got, and letting go of those previous ideals. With health conditions, family life and supporting kids it's not realistic to start from scratch and re-train and get an amazingly well-paid job as some suggest. The reality is that you carry on as you are but with a mental adjustment and acceptance of your life. This is my opinion.

I think you have to take pleasure in small things, spending time with the DC, walks in nature, being able to take 10 minutes out to enjoy a cup of tea in your garden (even if it does need work done on it that you can't afford), quiet hobbies at home. A kind of 'who needs fjords anyway' attitude. I can't see any other way in reality.

Thanks @GoodVibesHere yes I think you've hit the nail on the head. It needs to be an acceptance and moving on I think.

And yes it did feel like quite a few posters were completely missing my point (maybe I'm just out of their world/circles so it's hard to relate ). And yes the "it's not expensive" made me laugh. That's half the problem things others think in that worldc"aren't expensive" really are if you haven't got it.

And then the social mismatch either way - no longer fitting in m/c circles and being laugher at for liking radio 4/not wanting to do bingo with some newer school mum friends. (Very very lovely people they just see me as odd 😂)

We don't live in a nice area and it's a terraced estate and I always assumed we'd buy "up" when we had kids. We're really lucky we bought when we did as we couldn't afford it at todays prices!! But it is a "rough" area and my kids don't want to bring grammar friends home here 😔.

Don't presume that everyone in Mumsnet is earning £100k and has three toilets. Some of us don't. But posts saying that we only have one income (partner is a carer) earning just over average (borderline to losing CTC), living in an ex-council semi with only one toilet, are boring and don't generate long threads.

Are you happy? If so, enjoy what you have, as comparing yourself to others (especially on here) is a surefire way to become miserable.

I think there are lots in a similar situation OP and the cost of loving and rising mortgage rates have really hit hard. What I found is that those appearing to be doing well are also struggling in some way and things are not always what they seem. A new patio and a holiday would be great but if you and your family are happy and have a roof over your head then while I appreciate you want more things aren't actually that bad. Many of our friends have had substantial early inheritances from family so have paid their mortgage off so they have more disposable income which makes a big difference. Keep your eyes open for opportunities and possibilities, don't give up you can never know what will come your way.

Ha yes I do know that.Comparison really isn't ever the way forwards and I do know that really.. And i ignore half the super rich threads on mn as that wasnt ever my aim. I guess friends have naturally progressed in careers and are doing well (even 2 ft teachers or nurses could be on 80k between them etc) And are at a stage where life is settled and they have choices.

I dont think I am particularly happy (hence the thread after a sleepless night!)

But it's more I feel we're slipping out of the world we were in and are a bit isolated and don't fit anywhere now.