Adjusting expectations of life.

[ThreeBeanChilli]

I'm mid 40s and realising that my moment may have passed to be able to earn well. My husband earns just under average I think and myself half that (part time.)

How do people adjust to lowering their expectations of life?

I think I left uni with a mumsnet view of expecting to have a house with more than 1 loo, with options and choices around d where to live, hobbies, holidays etc. Not necessarily well off but part of society that does these things.

I'm finding as we've got older the gap between us and our peers has widened and I guess at the age I am its the realisation we won't di the fun holidays we'd hoped to do. We won't be thinking "Oh next year well do the fjords".

Or even not sure well be able to properly support kids through uni.

Having a house that needs a bit of a face-lift but us "okay".

We have some health issues too which we can't throw money at as we don't have it. We can't "sort the garden" as we can't afford to dig up the concrete/sort the patio etc.

I know lots struggle more than us so it isn't at all a "woe is me" but more how do you adjust to reduced expectations, from moving in a very middle class world to being not able to access that world at all?

Hope that makes sense!

I'm not really thatxfussed about a patio/holiday tbh. It was more the examples of things people talk about or choices people have and we're not in that world at all now.

It's more my daughter would like DM boots but that's going to cost a heck of a lot.

Yes I get what you mean. I am in my 40s now and even though I have a job that pays ok now (not massive but not minimum wage) I regret my previous career choices. I was very naive and wanted to do something “meaningful” so worked in the charity sector for a long time. Really wish I had worked in the private sector instead and earned decent money earlier.

Working in the charity sector doesn’t make you a better person and isn’t necessary more fulfilling. I now realise you can earn decent money but still be a good person! Stupid I know, I blame my religious parents.

The result is I could only afford to buy a house in an area that is not awful but not the best. The saving grace is I don’t have wealthy friends so don’t feel that lifestyle pressure. I am very aware of what poverty actually looks like and know I am lucky. Similarly my kids school isn’t full of rich kids going abroad at half term so they don’t really know they are missing out.

One of my children is obsessed with moving to the countryside though and I wish I could achieve that for her. There are so many things I need to do to my house but saving the money takes years. I have managed a couple of rooms but it takes years. My advice is stay off instagram and stay away from rich people.

OP I’m not in this boat but totally understand as I have a very close and dear friend who is exactly in your frame of mind. They are our best friends. Both are Oxbridge graduates with firsts. Without going into all the detail, they’ve both had to cut down a bit from jobs that were already not very well paid due to the health of one of their children (not a disability, and they’ll be fine long term as they get older and tech for managing the issue gets better, but needs lots of support at this stage). So they are in exactly the situation you describe. Of course they’re not on the bread line and can pay bills, have a terraced house etc, but not doing the things that others in our group are doing (the “middle class” markers I guess) and mourning that a bit. It’s possible to mourn even if you know others have it much harder!! I think it’s right to acknowledge that and then move on to focussing on the positives. My friend talks about it with me quite a lot and is finding real joy in savouring “slow / local living”. They have done things like got an allotment, started doing lots of preserving etc as a result, joined the local church community (not believers but loving the community)…. I also really recommend looking into YHA for holidays. We have gone that many times (with these friends) and it is a really lovely way to holiday.

I agree that we were all sold a bit of a fantasy by the New Labour years, and that’s now exacerbated by social media…

It's certainly possible to come to terms with living a life very different to the one you dreamed of. I always assumed that happened to most people.

I read a study somewhere that being relatively poorer than the people around you is what makes you unhappy. If your community is on the same income level, you're not comparing all the time. (Not if youre struggling to buy food etc).

Thanks Unusual and Legally as yes that's it exactly.

OP my dad surprised me by expressing similar sentiments to me when I was in my early 20s. He was very bright and wished he'd been an accountant so could have earned more and helped us with uni fees, house deposits etc as he saw his friends doing that for their kids. I was stunned as I never wanted that from him- he taught so was around for us a lot in long holidays etc and we really needed that (I had a few extra needs like your DC). That time with him was completely invaluable and we have an incredible bond. I know this doesn't help your dissatisfaction with your own quality of life - but just thought I would answer from the perspective of your dc.

Yes, exactly this. It’s called relative deprivation and it’s not good for your mental health - I think this might be a part of the problem you are having. If all your friends lived on your estate and were going on camping holidays this would be your normal, but it’s not, they are in bigger houses and off skiing so it’s jarring and you feel you are doing something wrong when I’m fact you are like millions of others.
I do know how you feel though, I think you could be me. I also have a ‘mum job’ and a child with Sen who wouldn’t cope if i suddenly went full time, plus a dh who has lost his job and is trying to rebuild. I think it doesn’t help that everything is so expensive at the moment, so things that might have been affordable are now out of reach.

You're only mid 40s so you've a way to go as yet. Are you able to study part time via the open university? You can get student loans for this. I've only really begun my career in my 40s and 50s now my 4 ND kids are grown and independent.

Studying doesn't come easy to me, and I only attained my maths and English GCSEs in my early 40s. Since joining the company I work for in 2016, I've made it up to the 3rd rung on the ladder and have my eyes on the 4th. I'm 54 and Nd.

Yes I think previously I'd perhaps accepted my "lot in life" but money went further and its all got so much harder!

Well done Mabel!

I already have 2 degrees (one was through the OU) so I don't think I need any more- although I don't have a clue how to turn that into a job when I can't do full time. (Am also likely nd.... so a scheme with rungs and clear development would have suited me!)

I posted based on your first post and you've given more info. About the DM boots have you tried buying on vinted?

Have you looked at your outgoings to try and identify any savings? I don't know many very wealthy people. Most of my friends are on the kind of household income you describe. They manage a decent lifestyle admittedly in the kinds of houses you might think unimpressive.

You say you can't work FT because your children need you but they are growing up and will soon be independent. You need to encourage their independence a bit more and that will give you more time to retrain or at least work a bit more to get the treat money. It really depends on your health issues, but be strict with yourself about making excuses. If you don't want to work more that's OK just recognise that's the lifestyle choice you make and its worth it for the other things you gain.

I think that whilst it's definitely a good idea to stop comparing yourself to others with more wealth it is also a mistake to say "this is it" in mid 40s. I am same age and it seems to be very common that my friends and family are preparing for a new career at this stage of life.

Things my friends are doing:
2 people doing academic degrees in their late 40s/early 50s (the possible end careers involved seem pretty fanciful to me), one taking training qualifications to prepare for a retirement career where they only work one week a month and can deliver the training (it's a work health and safety thing but quite specific), one sold her business at 45 due to health issues and started a new career from scratch going full time much less well paid (from 3 day week well paid) like you she is very bright so looking to do professional qualifications, another friend is HCP looking into psychology masters at nearly 50 with plans to do that in the NHS, dh runs the family busines which will be sold to give his parents their retirement nest egg so in the meantime is teaching himself about a trading and investment career and lining up other business ventures (this not necessarily suit you if you are not entrepreneurial)

My comment about oslo being not that expensive was based on getting cheap flights ryanair and easyjet and budget accommodation. Not a cruise. Food is expensive so you'd have to pay a bit more for a hold bag and pack some cereal, pasta and ambient food and self cater. Maybe you could go when dc leave home so it's just the two of you.

I have 2 friends who are PT /FT TA with husbands who are lower paid teachers manage holidays every year and can afford to landscape the garden. The FT TA has caring responsibility for elderly parent and still went on 4 foreign holidays last year (one was a pre covid booking). She just books cheap flights, air bnb and self caters.

My 50yo hairdresser has a very serious health condition, works FT, looks after her ailing dad, has an autistic dc who is home schooled, her DH is a HGV driver so away a lot, she still manages amazing holidays several times a year. Her health condition means she will be seriously disabled in later life (could happen any time) and its autoimmune so shes getting slowly worse so she lives for now. I'm trying to tell you that you can do more with your life if you want. OR don't but feel happy with the more relaxed lifestyle you have. It's worthwhile focusing on your dc whilst they are teens.

Just don't say "this is it", because it isn't.

Not the main point of the thread, but I'd reapply for PIP if I were you. No reason not to.

My working life is satisfying and I have got a progression move. However, as I am now a single parent, to manage this and earn sufficiently, I will not see my kids in the week as much as I want, can't own a dog, will have a big commute. For me, seeing my kids more, being able to be home daily to eat with them and time to cook, time to have a dog and a walk everyday would be really nice. Can you manage those things? There are other ways to have a satisfying life then expensive holidays, and remember all the extra loos need cleaning.

Not too late to train as an OT, if you have a degree you can do a 2 year fast track MSc qualification. They should make reasonable adjustments for you. I don't think as it as that high earning- but I do medical legal work on the side now I'm experienced and that pays very well and has great flexibility with kids.

I totally get it OP, I am a single parent and am really noticing the difference in lifestyle between me and my friends who are in couples where both earn well. Everybody is getting massive kitchen extensions etc and there are certainly no fjords for me. I feel like my lifestyle has really taken a hit thanks to the cost of living crisis and things I would have done without thinking twice ten years ago (e.g. go out for a bite to eat after work) are now something I really have to think hard about. I also worry about not being able to help out my DC enough.

What's helped me hugely is taking a bit more of a spiritual approach to life (Buddhism and mindfulness) - not something that was ever a part of my life before! It's really helped me to see what the important things in life are and that true contentment is not linked to material things (so long as you have a roof over your head/a full stomach of course).

It also helps that I work with quite a lot of better-off people (family money) and I can see that having the gorgeous house, best schools, fjord cruises does not guarantee happiness and satisfaction - quite the opposite in face.

There are some books by James Hollis (The Middle Passage is one, also Through the Dark Wood) on finding meaning in the second half of life which I have found brilliant. I wonder whether you might find them helpful too?

"remember all the extra loos need cleaning", so true @Godwindar, this is my mantra!