What is the name for a ‘friend’ like this?

[KarenNotAKaren]

We know what a Wendy is but what is the name for a friend who basically out of absolutely nowhere makes dickish and critical comments?

I messaged a friend this morning, who I’ve known since age 11, we were very close as teenagers. I said I was chatting to someone we both knew at the pub last night and this person reminded me about the time we all went to a Boyzone concert and made signs to take in the hope the band would see them but actually they we’re written in biro on A4 paper 😂 .

So I mentioned to my friend that we were reminiscing over our crappy signs and she said “oh yes I remember. Remember how much you used to fancy Mikey from Boyzone it was sooooo embarrassing”.

Now this is a massive first world problem but she does it all the time. We will just be having a normal conversation and she will make a shitty remark, 90% of the time it will be referring to me when I was a child/teenager. For example we were once messaging about our going out clothes and I sent her a picture of my new boots. She said “Nice! Better than those awful spice girl platforms you used to wear haha”.

Is there a name for someone like this? I’m thinking she hated me or something when we were kids. I’m differing between saying something and just cutting her off.

A bitch.

A frenemy? Pretend to be your friend but actually just trying to put you down? It's like negging.

😂😂

I was going to say a twat but aye, bitch will do it.

Agree it’s negging. My sister in law is the same. Makes me wonder how she still has friends but I think it only comes out once she thinks your safe to accept shitty comments.

she said to her brother the other day - have you hair a haircut? Why did they take so much off? Oh no it’s just baldness hahaha!

Well there isn't a name for a friend like that. Because friends aren't like that.

Plenty of other names available though...

She's a cow.

Whats a Wendy?

No friend.

If the comments are only about when you were a kid, and they are all about stuff like fashion/you fancying someone (rather than saying you were a bully or a liar as a child or something) then they don't sound all that bad to me? And maybe she just has a heavy handed sense of humour?

I have become aware I can be a little like this - I take the piss out of my own dress sense etc and when I am close to people I tease them about things like this too, but I think I perhaps do overstep the mark sometimes and forget that other people have different areas of sensitivity to me.

I am working on it now I have realised. Your friend might be like me, tactless but not meaning harm. Is she a kind person in other ways?

I have a friend like this

Always does it to make herself feel better

Maybe she genuinely thinks it's a funny memory and isn't saying it to be mean. Do you ever say back "Oh yes, those boots were hilarious, and what about that hat/shirt/trousers that you used to love? What were we thinking?" If she laughs at you making the same sort of comment back to her, then I would guess that she is just fondly reminiscing about the cluelessness of being a teen. If she gets shirty and defensive about your comment, then she might be saying it to put you down and make herself feel good by comparison.

First reply nails it as always.

😂

Sometimes tone gets lost in texts so you can't quite tell if she's joking or negging. If it feels like negging it could be based on childhood stuff and jealousy of you. She may feel you've done better in your life and she's trying to take you down a peg or two. Whichever, I'd tell her as a friend that she's hurt your feelings, you don't appreciate her negging you and if she continues then you'll be reevaluating your friendship. Probably facetoface rather than by text so you see her honest reaction. Any friend would apologise and you can move on.

She puts you down to make herself look/feel better. Not a friend.

Jellyfisher.

A Scorpion. Always a sting in the tail.

Can we stop using people's names as insults?

Some people live in the past IMO.

Ever heard people describe their schooldays as the best of their life? Is she one of those?

I have an old friend who is similarly fixated on referring to stuff that happened at school (20+ years ago). I also find it bizarre - let alone that I cannot even remember what she is referring to half the time.

I’d call her out on it - ‘why are you always referring to stuff that happened twenty years ago? Stop living in the past’.

Or - ‘do you mean to be so rude?’, the mumsnet classic.

I had several years of this kind of treatment from a girl at my school who would never miss an opportunity to have a dig. She was part of my friendship group unfortunately. I’m sure she just did it to make herself feel better, but things were bad at my home at the time, I had been through a traumatic event and her continuous baiting gnawed away at my confidence. Left me with depression by my late teens. A nasty bit h.

My best friend from my teen years does this. We spoke on the phone for the first time in years the other day and Id said to my daughter before I rang that I'd be waiting for the first negative comment. Didn't have to wait long. Honestly rolled my eyes and ignored it while making a mental note to wait a few more years before calling again. It's a shame because she's genuinely funny and clever, but she can't seem to help being bitchy!

This is a possible interpretation, absolutely. Or what @BlackAmericanoNoSugar suggests, that she genuinely thinks it’s funny, and means it as an endearing reminiscence where she means ‘God, how embarrassingly naive /lunatic were we all?’ Not just you.

It reminds me slightly of my younger sister, with whom I have a complex relationship, who has a habit of consciously or unconsciously wrecking the ‘mood’ of a conversation. We will be gently reminiscing about something in a tone of gentle fun about a collective past, and she will suddenly say something more ‘hostile’ or aggressive couched as ‘Do you remember when…?’ which is only about me.

I have never been able to decide whether she’s just clueless or whether it’s a conscious intent to hurt, but these days I just deal with it by ending the conversation abruptly but civilly immediately afterwards — my message is ‘I don’t reward that kind of dig, whether conscious or unconscious, with time or attention.’

Try that with your friend. She needs to be trained to recognise that conversational pleasure works two ways. If you’re not enjoying yourself, you’ll just move on.

I thought a Wendy infiltrates an established group of friends and then turned them against another group member? From a v old thread.

i think the term here is indeed Frenemy or any of the other options above!

What’s a Wendy?

Someone who uses you as a way in with your friendship group and then tries to push you out.

The two examples that OP has given sound pretty harmless between life long friends. My long time friend and I rib each other constantly about the boybands we used to fancy and the daft fashions we used to wear !!

Jelly Fisher according to Bridget Jones.