Someone has to sleep with the rats today...

[Frequency]

But who?

DD1(20) has a multitude of MH issues, the newest being agoraphobia, meaning any new relationship she enters starts in her bedroom. She currently has a young man in her room who is allergic to dogs. She also has 2 chihuahuas aka the rats.

She did tell me a few days ago I would have to sleep with the rats but I refused and told her I was working but agreed to have rat1. Rat1 when on her own, will climb under my duvet and sleep. Rat1 + Rat2 = playtime and me being kept awake half the day (I am on nights).

DD2 (17) also has her boyfriend over who is not allergic to rats. She has just told me when I tried to give her rat2 that DD1 has promised her she does not have to look after any chihuahuas tonight/tomorrow morning and she would not have invited her boyfriend over if she knew she had to have a chi in her bed.

My options are I have them both and don't sleep more than a couple of hours before doing another 12-hour night shift. I upset DD2 by telling her she has to have a chihuahua or I pop a rat and some piriton into DD1's room and hope I don't not kill anyone.

I don't want to embarrass DD1 by making a scene in front of her date because it is hard enough for her to socialise/meet new people so dragging her out of her room in front of her date and making her deal with her rats is not an option but I will be having words with her once her date leaves.

I'm thinking depositing rat2 into DD2's room in the morning and hoping she doesn't notice until I get up in the afternoon is the best option?

Put the wine down

I'm at work. I love it if we were allowed to drink on the job but sadly we are not.

Sounds like you need to pick the wine up!!!

Why can’t they sleep downstairs?

I always need wine

We have a large breed dog who sleeps downstairs. He's friendly with the rats but we have a rule of not leaving them unsupervised together due to the size difference and potential for accidents.

They could sleep on the stairs but this usually ends with them scratching and whining at someone's door to get in. DD1 has spoiled them. They can only sleep in human beds with humans. I did try to point out the potential issues this would cause when they were puppies but she opted to ignore me.

It's really not fair to shove them into DD1's room when her date is allergic or to force DD2 to take responsibility for one, is it?

her dogs, her responsibility…

what happens if this date becomes a boyfriend?

I don’t have pets! 😂

Is MI6 listening in?

Do you want any? I appear to have a spare chihuahua if you want one? We call him Brainless.

I'm assuming she either hasn't thought very far ahead about this relationship or she already knows it is just a fling. There is no way she would permanently abandon her "babies" for a man.

Plus, she actually cannot leave the house and there are three dogs here so this man is going to have some problems if it does progress.

If they're her dogs then it's her issue.

DS2 has a g/f with a pet allergy and its a nightmare but he didn't ask for us to have pets so I have to do my best to keep the house as clean as possible when they come to stay.

If you're on nights, why does anyone have to sleep with the rats? Surely they sleep at night when you're not there, so can't they sleep in your room without you?

It's really not fair to shove them into DD1's room when her date is allergic or to force DD2 to take responsibility for one, is it?

It would be super unfair to force your daughter who does not own the dog to take responsibility for one especially as she has someone coming over too. It’s not her problem.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if your older daughters date is not allergic and (understandably) just does not want her dogs in bed.

She needs to handle the problem herself though as she’s the one who’s invited this guy after having made a rod for her own back by letting the dogs get used to sleeping with her every night.

I'm confused if you work nights so asleep in the day wouldn't the DD's be up to look after the dogs. Can't really see it working out for well DD's date long-term if he's allergic to her dogs though.

This is where crate training is useful as then you could pop a chi in bed in it's own room so can't play around together but they will be more settled in the bedroom with people than downstairs if that's what they are used to. Crates would also keep them safe from being squished by big dog while unsupervised although the chi's probably rule the roost.

The issue is mostly the morning/after 7 am when I go to bed. DD2 normally doesn't wake up until lunchtime on a weekend. I need somewhere to put the dogs when I go to bed.

The rats would like to be in bed now. They know it is bedtime and keep walking to the door and gazing hopefully at me but for now, they are fine downstairs with me and big dog. They have beds down here too.

DD has steam cleaned and vacuumed everything in her room and moved the dog's beds to my room and all of her stuffed animals to the kitchen so she at least believes he is allergic.

My mate has 2 of the things, I had them a few times for her and they were a nightmare. Not only did they piss on my bed if left alone they were either snoring or fighting.

They are your dds dogs she needs to deal with them

Also, you have some random bloke in your house who none of you know? I think dd needs to deal with her agoraphobia and mh issues before getting into a relationship

That you wrote that post without wine is definitely the most worrying thing on mumsnet this week

Really? I don't think it's even the most worrying thing about this post

So it's the first time he's coming over and it's for the whole night? How do they know each other?
Sorry but that seems barmy to me, can't he leave and then she can look after her dogs

Yes I am distracted by this. I would not be happy with my kid inviting randoms over for sex while also refusing to take responsibility for their pet . Her MH issues sound significant, don't start allowing things like this as your life will be even harder (speaking from experience as a carer).

Re home the poor things. It’s no life for DOGS (not rats) living in a room and not going out. Especially when they are treated with the disdain you clearly have for them.

He works with her friend's boyfriend. It's the second time they've met in person but the first time they've been alone. They met at a party at her friend's boyfriend's house back when DD could leave the house and have been chatting online since. He could leave, he could go to the friend's boyfriend's house but like I said, she doesn't socialise very often so I don't want to spoil it for her.

I mostly just wanted to know if I could either foist a rat on DD2 and her boyfriend or if I could chuck one in DD1's room without potentially killing her date but she has finally answered my texts now. He's only mildly allergic so she will have rat2 who will sleep on the floor in her room. I am allowed to open her door to let him in when I go to bed and she's taken his bed back out of my room and put it back where it belongs and she's grabbed the piriton from my desk for her date.

Apparently, she arranged for a friend to have the rats overnight after DD2 refused but he let her down at the last minute and she panicked because this guy was already on his way so instead of telling me she ignored it and hoped I wouldn't notice they'd both been left with me

Also, he is just man, not a superhuman. I'm fairly certain that between myself, DD2, DD2's 6ft3 boyfriend, and the rottweiler we could forcibly evict him in the unlikely event of him turning out to be an axe murderer.

He's only mildly allergic so she will have rat2 who will sleep on the floor in her room.

Its went from so allergic so he has to have the dogs out the room and everything cleaned to now only mildly allergic 😁as I said upthread, I’m fairly sure his allergy is not wanting to share a bed with a dog . I wouldn’t either to be fair!

I agree with pp about it being an unhealthy situation all around. Who walks the dogs btw? I hope your daughter gets the help she needs asap.

What job do you do working 12 hour night shifts at home?

who walks these animals

DD1(20) has a multitude of MH issues, the newest being agoraphobia, meaning any new relationship she enters starts in her bedroom

This sounds incredibly risky and unhealthy and she is not likely to attract a quality young man with good intentions who sees a future with her.

It’s very likely for the physical side of the relationship to move along much faster than it would normally, when a young couple’s interactions are confined to a bedroom. Although you won’t get many young men complaining about that aspect 😣

Perhaps more focus on addressing her MH issues, getting better and enjoying actual platonic friendships and less on starting “relationships” in her bedroom 😕 if she’s not well enough to leave the house due to MH issues is she well enough /has sufficient judgment to strike up new relationships?

She's been in and out of MH services since she was around 10 years old so I am not holding out any hope that she will get the help she needs ASAP, which is why I would rather she didn't put her life on hold until her mental health is better. She's been ill for longer than she hasn't. I've given up hoping that she will get better and I am just aiming for better than she is now.

She's currently under the community mental health team and awaiting assessment from a clinical psychiatrist.

I walk her dogs with my dog when DD isn't feeling up to it. That was agreed when she got rat1. The not leaving the house thing is relatively new. I only really noticed it was becoming a big issue when this date came about. When she met her last boyfriend their first dates were double dates with her friend and his boyfriend. It was weeks before she brought him home or spent time alone with him.

It was only when I asked her why her date was here and not out with her friend that she admitted she couldn't leave the house.

She's always been anxious about going out but used to be able to walk the dogs with me or go to the local shops and could occasionally go out with trusted friends to places she knows. I had noticed her coming out with me less often but assumed it was usual anxiety bothering her and that she would come around like usual. Trips out with her friends have always been months apart so I didn't notice they had stopped until this date.

she needs to take the “rats”, perhaps it will encourage her to seek help so she can see the man outside of the house. Facilitating it isn’t going to help. I do think it’s odd that they’ve only meant in person twice.