How to stop feeling angry and bitter about things that will never change (MIL one)

[hahfn]

My MIL is in many ways lovely but there are fundamental reoccurring behaviours which I just feel so angry/resentful/sad about. I've come to realise that she, and these behaviours, will probably never change. And I'm fed up of regularly feeling these emotions.

This thread isn't really about what to do about these situations, but for context it is things like constant favouritism and rescuing of her child over my DH, and blatant favouritism of the other DGC over mine and DHs children. In fairness, her other DC has mad rubbish life choices and she probably feels more worried about her and that's why she does what she does.

We've spoken to her about stuff in the past and it's made no difference. I don't want to do anything drastic like go NC. I also genuinely don't think she means any malice.

I just want to stop feeling so negative every time she does something I find unfair. Because- what's the point? It's my time that is spent being bitter.

So, how do I 'let it go'?

You've answered your own question.

You've said there's no malice. You've said it won't change.

The only way to stop feeling the way you do is to take a (small) step back.

Accept that it is how it is and you'll thank yourself.

If she's favouring others over your family, let her. She's losing out.

How does your DH feel?

Thank you.

As I get older I'm really trying to embrace the 'don't sweat the small stuff attitude' but I'm not a natural 😂

He agrees. He finds it hurtful. But also thinks it's mostly because his DM is worried and stressed about the other DC/DGC rather than 'prefers' the other child.

But we've had a really hard time too this year and it does kind of sting.

But hey ho- you're right.

I guess actually I also feel the resentment towards DSIL for being so acopic and in turn requiring this much from DMIL. She hasn't had any hardship, she's just made silly choices which has made her life harder than it needs to be.

Try taking a step back in some way. If / when she notices she might be better. She may even ask you why and then you have that conversation.

Ultimately, you can't change people. Better to lower your expectations of her and hopefully one day she'll surprise you.

The big thing you need to do is protect your children from seeing it as much as possible - as it can have awful impacts on a child's mental health if they are blatantly out of favour with a grandparent.

I'd minimise interactions where it becomes obvious. - so no joint Christmas present opening with the cousins if the cousins are likely to get noticeably more, avoiding being at grandma's at the same time as cousins of that's an issue - see cousins separately if that makes sense.

Ime if mil is so tied up with sil she wasn't in my business.... And less sharing of your dc.. Win win.

I do see where you are coming from.

DH's younger brother was the golden child who could do no wrong in their mother's eyes despite being an alcoholic and a drug user with a tendency towards violence, which MIL was aware of. She had blinkers on with him and always either took him back in or bailed him out even when it was blatantly obvious he was robbing her blind too.

There's nothing you can do unfortunately. There are none so blind as those who do not want to see. Just protect your children by stepping back and limiting contact as much as you can (this seems to be happening somewhat anyway).

I think that deep down my own MIL did know that she was in the wrong. There were a few windows in discussions after some particularly awful deed by BIL when she was forced to confront it and did, but they closed again pretty quickly and nothing changed. When she was just days from the end of her life though she admitted to DH and his sister that she behaved that way because she was afraid of their brother, he bullied and intimidated her.

To be honest I wouldn't rule out going nc. It's horrid for your dc to be second best grandchildren.

The way you talk about her other child is really nasty. Maybe it's not so much your dh whom she doesn't favour but that she's limiting her exposure to your toxicity ("we've spoken to her in the past" - really why are you interfering?) for her own mental health and unfortunately that impacts upon time with your DH and DC.

.... this feels like someone projecting their own issues tbh.

This is my concern, my DD is approach an age where she will start to be aware.

That's very sad, and must have been hard for you all

Have you posted on the wrong thread as nothing you say here relates to anything OP has said?

The fact that you've not recognised the way you've spoken about your sil on here is nasty has validated what I've said.

Do you really not think saying your sil has made rubbish life choices and is entirely to blame for whatever difficulties she's experienced is nasty?

We had similar and one day after the epiphany of who is this hurting (just me) I just accepted that's how she was and went lower contact and stopped cards (after no card for DS and being told when I asked after it that they don't do cards in their family (except for all the other GC including presents). FIL mentioned that "I" (not even DH) forgot to send her a mothers day card the first year I stopped and I said I was told by MIL you don't do cards in your family.

I haven't gone NC with my abusive relatives I have just taken a giant step and may be see them once a year and definitely not at xmas.
That reduces the bitterness and anger quite considerably.

We have a very similar situation. Over the years we have ended up distancing ourselves more and more from MIL and SIL.

I'm sure my MIL has no malice either, and in fact is a lovely person in general. We're both very fond of her. But her choices have their natural consequences. We don't want to cause her unhappiness or distress in any way, quite the opposite - this is not about punishment or anything. But we need to protect our kids' emotional health, and our own as well.

So we see her on our own terms, and never see SIL. (SIL is a whole bag of trouble, partly because MIL has always tried to protect her from the consequences of her own actions.)

Just a guess but the chaotic sister in law probably allows her mother in much more than your husband, her son does.

There will be a closer relationship to the daughters kids because they're all part of the same family. You probably prefer to keep your own family and personal issues separate from your in laws.

My sister needed my parents so much when her DC was small, DC grew up considering their home to be hers. Its lovely to have that closeness but it doesn't necessarily come from weekly visits where you're very much in charge of your DC.

This is my concern, my DD is approach an age where she will start to be aware.

This is the point at which you have to rethink your approach. You've said you don't want to go NC which I understand if she also has some lovely qualities. But while you rationalise it to yourself that she is doing it because she's more worried about her DD, not because it's out and out favouritism, and your DH finds it hurtful but accepts it being for the same reason, you both have an adult perspective on it. Your DD won't and can't. She's far too young. All she will see is the difference in treatment and wonder why granny likes her cousin much more than her.

So you do need to step back for her sake. See less of MIL. Build your own unit of DH, DD and you without her being so much a part of it. Accept that MIL will do what she's always done but you don't need to be aware of it or let it impact you.

This will be a significant mindshift for both you and DH and it won't happen overnight but it's a step you have to take. When you know you're doing it to protect DD it will make it easier.

I'm in a similar situation. Dh even sent a messaged to mil, pouring his heart out at basically being cast aside for sil, bil and Dn and how upset he and our dcs are. Mil said it made her upset but nothings changed.

It never used to be like this which makes it harder imo. We were very evolved in each other lives, seeing each other at least twice a week, having mil round for dinner but we suddenly got ditched for sil all the time, she started to check if sil wanted her round hers first before coming to ours so we gave up trying.

Dd has asked her mil why doesn't she see her as much as dn ( to give context she's round sils at least 3x a week who lives a 5 min drive away) mil told her to stop being jealous. She said its nothing to do with being jealous, just it would be nice to be treated equally and that she missed her. That fucked me off when mil said that.

We only really see them now on b days and xmas 🤷‍♀️

So I view it as freedom…

while my mil is favouring my BIL and his girlfriend and spending literally thousands on them and enjoying the weird enmeshment we are left alone…

I would rather get a crap regifted skin care set for Christmas than an iPhone if it means I only have to see her 4 weekends a year instead of host week long visits every 6 weeks or so…

re your DD I think you take your lead
from her. If she likes seeing grandma - fine.

if she asks about differences fine but let her mention it and dont raise it yourself. I’d also ask her why she thinks grandma does X… she might surprise You with her astuteness!

May be nasty but may be true?

Similar situation here with FIL/SIL.

We’re very minimal contact now. I stopped making the effort to arrange to take him out (and pay) for meals, or have him over here for birthday dinners, Father’s Day, Easter, Christmas, random Sunday dinners, summer bbq’s, etc. I let DH take the lead and, well, he hasn’t.

The less I know about the latest car, house, holiday, shopping spree, or chunk of money he’s given SIL and his other grandchildren, the better. It’s like FIL feels the need to compensate for SIL’s shitty life choices and upgrade her lifestyle to match or exceed DH’s.

I cannot fathom how a parent can treat their two children so very differently.

Oh OP, I sympathise entirely. My PIL are a lot like this. Claim that DSIL isn’t the favourite child, but blatantly favour their other DGC above our DD (trips to see Santa, a LOT of childcare, little trips away…all the while our DD gets none of the above). I also feel like there isn’t malicious intent, but I found myself getting really really wound up everytime they did something a bit shitty and it was causing arguments between DH and I. I think although he could see that these things were unfair, he was also a bit in denial and defensive of his parents as I think how they’ve been with DD since she was born, in comparison to how we saw them be with their existing DGC, has taken us both by surprise. What DH and I agreed on in the end was that we were going to ask them for no favours, and that we’d manage things ourselves without their help. I have also taken a small step back. I don’t contact them for a chit chat as I might have before and I don’t send them as many pics of what DD is up to (if they really wanted to know then they can ask can’t they). I have found that just having that little bit of space from them has helped immensely. Whether it’s a long term solution, I don’t know, but for now it’s working.

Sounds familiar!

I deal with it by reminding myself they are not my family, they are just people I have to be polite to occasionally and not having a relationship with the DGS is their problem. I make sure my DS knows it is on them & not him