How to stop feeling angry and bitter about things that will never change (MIL one)

[hahfn]

My MIL is in many ways lovely but there are fundamental reoccurring behaviours which I just feel so angry/resentful/sad about. I've come to realise that she, and these behaviours, will probably never change. And I'm fed up of regularly feeling these emotions.

This thread isn't really about what to do about these situations, but for context it is things like constant favouritism and rescuing of her child over my DH, and blatant favouritism of the other DGC over mine and DHs children. In fairness, her other DC has mad rubbish life choices and she probably feels more worried about her and that's why she does what she does.

We've spoken to her about stuff in the past and it's made no difference. I don't want to do anything drastic like go NC. I also genuinely don't think she means any malice.

I just want to stop feeling so negative every time she does something I find unfair. Because- what's the point? It's my time that is spent being bitter.

So, how do I 'let it go'?

Why shouldn’t she speak to her about it alongside her husband? They are family!

I wish I could help you OP! I'm in the same position and it's just awful!

You expect her to behave normally and are therefore let down / upset / resentful when she doesn't

I'd work on changing your expectations. You KNOW she will always be like this so consciously expect it and try to use that to help brush it off.

"Ah yes, as expected MIl has done xyz why would we be surprised"

My sil would probably say the same about me, my children are closer to my mum because they see her more. They also means that at time ms we might go to lunch and my mum will pay. Brother and sil don’t visit as often so aren’t as close.

my ex dh brother and his wife’s children were much closer to my mil that mine because I kept her at arms reach. I’ve had to learn to let her in more.

I think you need to be careful equating favouritism with treating them differently. I'm sure it doesn't mean she loves them more but that:

• she feels she needs to support one child more, maybe because of specific needs or circumstances in that child's life (it may look like bad life choices to you but you don't know what's behind those choices)
• she feels she needs to compensate for any difficult situation her grand children may be in eg. If they don't have both parents involved, have been in care, have only 1 set of grandparents.

I think you should be grateful you have a stable life and be generous with these others who maybe don't have what you have. It doesn't mean MIL loves them more. We get so so stuck on fair being equal but that's not actually always fair. If someone is disadvantaged they may need different treatment. My son gets extra time in exams because he's dyslexic and ADHD. This allows him to compete equally with other children but some people might think it's not fair that he gets longer because that's not equal treatment.

Sorry, long winded way to say maybe MILs treatment is like the extra exam time.

I had a very similar situation years ago and it helped to realise I wasn't actually angry at the PILs, because they were naturally stepping up where they were being told they were needed.

I was annoyed with my BIL. But I could live with that realisation much more easily and actually maintained a good relationship with PILs.

Remind yourself everyone has flaws, that makes us human. Some people probably hate things you do to.

I'm the same and unfortunately had to go no contact with her as it was getting obvious to my children. Arranging a day to spend with them only to ditch them last minute to go and see the other grandchild instead. Promising them things and letting them down. Admitting that she "pines" for the other grandchild when she doesn't see her - in front of my children. Buying school uniform for the other grandchild but nothing for ours. This list goes on and on. After almost 10 years of it, and numerous chances, enough was enough.
Of course, to everyone she speaks to, I am the bad guy keeping her from her grandchildren. But I am 100% confident I've done the right thing for my children's (and my own) mental health. My OH (her son) is fully supportive as he isn't blind and can clearly see the pain she's caused.

If your DH is doing well in life and happy and her other child is struggling then I can kind of understand her behaviour. She's probably feeling protective of her other child and thinks your DH needs less attention. If she's generally lovely and means no harm, I'd try to let it go.

As a mental exercise, really try and put yourself in her shoes. Really picture how she is affected by the world around her and what might motivate her to act the way she does.

If there’s no malice, I wonder if it’s old fashioned sexism?

I think that mothers tend to be closer to their daughter’s children than their son’s? Maybe she feels more comfortable dropping in or offering to babysit?

judging by some of the threads on here, I can imagine that some MILs worry about being interfering.

If that’s the case, it not your fault, maybe you could invite her round more or arrange days out together? But sounds like you’ve already made loads of effort!