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Original poster

If you work in high conflict role - how do you cope?

43 replies

FigandDrop · 10/01/2024 18:45

I feel battered. My role is ongoing conflict and people disliking me strongly, and sometimes aggressively and abusively, due to my decisions/recommendations, and further people trying to tear my work apart and say it is wrong and flawed

I'm frazzled and done in. I need more resilience as sadly I'm in a pay trap that I can't escape without huge pay cut, unless I retrain, and I'm too old and tired for that

Anyone relate or can advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
FigandDrop · 10/01/2024 20:21

I'm sure I'm not alone................

OP posts:
MsMaraschino · 10/01/2024 20:34

Do you have confidence that your decisions are right? That's what has kept me going in previous jobs that have been heavy going.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2024 20:38

I have pretty much always been in high conflict roles. However, I have in most places had a place I 'find my joy'. Whether that's the clients, a good manager, co-workers or a team, there is always one person or group of people who I respect and who have my back, 100% and show it.

If you are getting attacked from all sides and feel alone, take the pay cut. Or is consulting an option?

ConciseQueen · 10/01/2024 20:39

Is the role high conflict, or this job high conflict?

upwardsonwards · 10/01/2024 20:41

To enjoy high conflict roles you need to be a person who enjoys conflict. Often they are high in the dark triad traits. I don’t think most people enjoy high conflict. Unhealthy environments create unhealthy people. I’d say use the job you are in now as a stepping stone and find something more enjoyable. That can shift your focus and get you through.

zerored · 10/01/2024 20:41

Would resilience training be worth a try?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2024 20:42

upwardsonwards · 10/01/2024 20:41

To enjoy high conflict roles you need to be a person who enjoys conflict. Often they are high in the dark triad traits. I don’t think most people enjoy high conflict. Unhealthy environments create unhealthy people. I’d say use the job you are in now as a stepping stone and find something more enjoyable. That can shift your focus and get you through.

Or ADHD. That's me.

Trilateralcommission · 10/01/2024 20:43

what is your industy ? @FigandDrop

turtlessquirtles · 10/01/2024 20:45

if you find yourself at a breaking point, where the weight of your unhappiness becomes unbearable, it may be time to consider a big change. Instead of thinking on why you can't leave, explore on how you can. Explore the opportunities that lie ahead, seek out a new path that's better for your mental health. In any case, I kindly urge you to arrange a meeting with your superiors and communicate what you're experiencing. There is a possibility that the company might have an alternative position that suits you better.

boredsolicitor · 10/01/2024 21:04

My job shouldn't be high conflict but working in the public sector I feel like a punch bag most of the time - it's grim . The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of retiring a few years time .

PangramAddict · 10/01/2024 21:06

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2024 20:38

I have pretty much always been in high conflict roles. However, I have in most places had a place I 'find my joy'. Whether that's the clients, a good manager, co-workers or a team, there is always one person or group of people who I respect and who have my back, 100% and show it.

If you are getting attacked from all sides and feel alone, take the pay cut. Or is consulting an option?

Definitely this. You do need someone at your shoulder to support you and commiserate.
Do you have supervision (ie counselling)? Make the most of that if so, I think it's really important.
I had to leave my job as my boss turned against me and it was just too much. I'm now in a much quieter role and missing a bit of grit...

ElliesMum16 · 10/01/2024 21:11

Do you have supervision? If not, can you ask for someone?

Original poster
FigandDrop · 10/01/2024 21:19

I am a consultant of sorts, self employed. I work with families and the Family Court

OP posts:
Original poster
FigandDrop · 10/01/2024 21:21

Overall I am strong in my views my recommendations are right for the children. But of course there are many recommendations that parents are fiercely opposed to, and their barristers job is to try and undermine my work, my analysis, my report and ultimately the recommendations

OP posts:
Castellanos · 10/01/2024 21:25

I'd have thought supervision would be essential.

Can you move into policy/research rather than casework?

Write a book?

Go 50:50 with a new direction?

YorkshireLondonMiss · 10/01/2024 21:29

I’m in a role like this, NHS so it’s also soul destroying in other ways with little flex. I’ve found having a good peer network even if only small at work helps so you can talk through things in confidence and also just have some more upbeat moments day to day

The other thing is trying to see the bigger picture of the decisions you’re making which isn’t always easy when you feel like you’re being slammed by everyone all the time. I don’t think many people come away from that unscathed unless they literally don’t care.

AlwaysAWoman · 10/01/2024 21:45

I'm a social worker and this is something I sometimes struggle with, particularly when in court proceedings. I am not sure how long you have been in your profession, but I do think we become more resilient with experience. It does appear to depend on your personality though. The most confident professionals I know in my field are very good at going up against other people's decisions and recommendations, challenging anything and everything and actually enjoy it...

Imnotthemonalisa · 10/01/2024 22:06

If you're a Children's Guardian it may be worth contacting local universities to try and get some visiting lecturer work on social work courses. It could lead to something more permanent.

plominoagain · 10/01/2024 22:15

Metropolitan police officer , so high conflict , every single day . Whatever I do is wrong . It’s somehow both ineffective and oppressive . I stop someone in the street and search them because we’ve had reports of people with weapons , and I’ll end up on YouTube with people screaming “but he’s a child” at me . I go to a stabbing and end up doing emergency first aid on someone’s child , and I get people screaming at me that it’s my fault because I haven’t solved the knife crime epidemic. I go out to get food whilst on the hoof mid shift and get filmed doing that too , because I’m supposed to keep going on a sixteen hour shift and not eat . Every single non police person in the UK can apparently do my job better than me , even though they haven’t got a scooby about the restrictions we work with . Very much like the teaching professions I imagine.

I wonder why I do it on a daily basis .

And yet , and yet . I keep going , because even after 30 years , I am the eternal optimist . I still want to help people . I still go out night after night on the hunt for robbers , car thieves and burglars , and my goodness , are we successful . Far more than the press would have you believe . And that is what I focus on . I tune out all the noise , because that’s people shouting at the uniform , not me - and focus on the thanks I’ve had , from the people whose lives I’ve changed for the better , the ones I’ve saved , the ones I’ve kept safe from harm. The vulnerable people I’ve found , both young and old. I concentrate on that .

That and when I drive home , I sing . Loudly , and badly , to Gaga .

theduchessofspork · 10/01/2024 22:20

I have a fine pair of lungs on me..

I used to get far more bothered about it in my 30s than I do at 50. Over the years I have learned that everyone (bar some total psychopaths) doubts themselves, but as long as I basically know what I am doing, my decisions are as good as anyone’s - the key thing is to make timely decisions. Most things will work out, most of the things that don’t work out you can fix, apart from the odd thing that is simply unfixable.

But if I’m being really battered or overworked I do notice that if I don’t take care of myself - by seeing friends, family, experiencing culture, taking time to cook, exercise ie having a life - then I get tired and snap, so I try and look after myself. If I do lose it and get angry it doesn’t bother me the way it did when I was younger because I am much more relaxed about taking up space.

I think a coach or supervision is really important, and it’s worth trying that. But if it isn’t for you after a year of working on it there will be other options and you should take them. A coach is good for that too, or an organisation like career shifters.

clareykb · 10/01/2024 22:29

I'm a social worker and similarly although there some parts of the job I love and lots of families I have a good relationship with I have the ones where I know my decision is right but families do not agree and it is draining. I Think as well like the police pp said earlier when you are the face of the public body be it Children's Services, Police, Family Court, you then become the punching bag for the whole entire organisation!

I'm quite resilient and quite good at switching off but it's taken practice amd time to do that. I make sure I do thinks like go to the gym, spend time with the kids etc and priorotise it. Hats off to you though Private Law is categorically part of my job I dislike the most 😄

noexcusesforlatenessalan · 10/01/2024 22:41

plominoagain · 10/01/2024 22:15

Metropolitan police officer , so high conflict , every single day . Whatever I do is wrong . It’s somehow both ineffective and oppressive . I stop someone in the street and search them because we’ve had reports of people with weapons , and I’ll end up on YouTube with people screaming “but he’s a child” at me . I go to a stabbing and end up doing emergency first aid on someone’s child , and I get people screaming at me that it’s my fault because I haven’t solved the knife crime epidemic. I go out to get food whilst on the hoof mid shift and get filmed doing that too , because I’m supposed to keep going on a sixteen hour shift and not eat . Every single non police person in the UK can apparently do my job better than me , even though they haven’t got a scooby about the restrictions we work with . Very much like the teaching professions I imagine.

I wonder why I do it on a daily basis .

And yet , and yet . I keep going , because even after 30 years , I am the eternal optimist . I still want to help people . I still go out night after night on the hunt for robbers , car thieves and burglars , and my goodness , are we successful . Far more than the press would have you believe . And that is what I focus on . I tune out all the noise , because that’s people shouting at the uniform , not me - and focus on the thanks I’ve had , from the people whose lives I’ve changed for the better , the ones I’ve saved , the ones I’ve kept safe from harm. The vulnerable people I’ve found , both young and old. I concentrate on that .

That and when I drive home , I sing . Loudly , and badly , to Gaga .

I couldn't read and run. Great message and thank you for all you do!

Bobbybobbins · 10/01/2024 22:44

I am full of admiration for the work that you all do in very difficult circumstances.

I am a secondary teacher so we have daily conflict but generally over pretty minor things compared to some of you. It can be draining but I have nice moments too.

Turkeyhen · 10/01/2024 22:47

@plominoagain I appreciate what you do. I’ve had a few dealings with the met (as victim of crime and in relation to a family member’s MH crises) and the officers I encountered were all absolutely brilliant. So unbelievably calm and professional.

96redballoons · 10/01/2024 22:51

I have a client facing role along the lines of benefit advice. I have good colleagues. A dark sense of humour. And a mantra on repeat in my head that is a version of "that's A problem, but not MY problem". I know I can only do so much to help people, and it often feels like it isn't all that much. But for some it can be transformative, and that keeps me going.