If you work in high conflict role - how do you cope?

[FigandDrop]

I feel battered. My role is ongoing conflict and people disliking me strongly, and sometimes aggressively and abusively, due to my decisions/recommendations, and further people trying to tear my work apart and say it is wrong and flawed

I'm frazzled and done in. I need more resilience as sadly I'm in a pay trap that I can't escape without huge pay cut, unless I retrain, and I'm too old and tired for that

Anyone relate or can advise?

I worked as a litigator for many years, so in the heart of conflict.

I think two things help:

1. I was hired and paid to help people achieve their desired outcome. That was my choice to do it and I focussed on doing it well. It was a job. I didn’t have to love every action I was instructed to take, but I could guide people through to resolution (sometimes).

1. You can have a personal view on a conflict outside of work - you don’t have to 100% agree with “your side” or “their side”. But don’t dwell on that personal view.

And if it’s all getting too much, walk away. Conflict is wearing. You have to be resilient and not care too much and that takes practice (and for some never happens).

Good luck.

And thanks to @plominoagain - police do such a tough job daily.

I work in a high conflict role and have just accepted that there are times when people do not like what I say or the decisions I make and are upset by them. But I walk away knowing that I made the right decision. It doesn’t come naturally to me and I have to really prepare myself to calmly and clearly relay difficult messages but it’s my job. I have recently thought about changing as the high conflict can feel so hard.

Even though I have never met you - a massive thank you to you and all your colleagues.
Many more people appreciate you than don’t, but unfortunately it’s only those who have a complaint that tend to be vocal.
Police are a fantastic service and we would all be lost without them.
Same goes for teachers, NHS, prison service, social workers, the OP in her job (apologies OP I am not clear what you do but I gather it’s child protection), clergy and all those in public serving roles.
Just think of everyone you have helped.

Weekly psychoanalytic psychotherapy. Worth every single penny to keep me sane.

I think I do a good job. I am fair, honest, direct and have to ask difficult questions and make difficult decisions about situations people are often very worked up about. It's important to tell them I understand that but also to say I may have to tell them things they don't really want to hear. It usually turns out reasonably well in the end. I am a more resilient person at work than I am personally at home. I don't worry about work but I worry about things at home- health, DC , DH .

@LuluBlakey1 - I’m exactly the same. I can really second guess myself in my personal life but am much more focussed and directed in my work life.

@FigandDrop - would I be right in thinking you're an independent social worker or similar role? I have done independent work and it can be very isolating and that makes processing the conflict much more difficult. Do you have to remain independent can you not look at different options?

@plominoagain

Thankyou from me too. I used to be a Met officer. Couldn't do it these days

I'm now in the prison service.... conflict on the daily but sadly, you get very used to it!

I also have ADHD. Work in a high conflict area and also literally in conflict. I thrive off being a bit adversarial but that's just personality I think (and the ADHD).

One thing I have always done is gather a bit of a tribe- people who work on similar things and with similar challenges and also make sure some time is spent talking to and exchanging with those people so for at least some time I'm not going up against people. Also it helps to develop really good personal relationships if you're going to have to do something difficult.

Another SW here, I did many years of child protection and court work and am still in frontline services. I have definitely become more confident with managing conflict but I’m older and know my stuff more. It can still be hard though. The gym really helps me, and having a supportive team. I was an inde SW for 8 years doing court reports etc. amongst other things and although it was flexible and I earnt good money, I missed having a team and also having to travel and go to new courts - in the LA, I was familiar with the local courts, solicitors, clerks and even the judges were familiar so less daunting. hence I returned to LA work with all of its disadvantages!

i really feel for you and don’t really have much advice - oh I did pay for a fantastic private supervisor who was awesome. That helped.

I've worked in that environment, but as a lawyer. (I don't do it any more.)

If you're working as a Guardian (or similar) then I suppose that for every family that attacks you there will be another (or a local authority) applauding your recommendations.

I'd say that if you are working as a Guardian/similar, and feel the way you've described, it prolly is worth trying to transfer to a less conflict-focussed role. In a way the Guardian's 'side' always seemed to me to be the one least likely to be criticised by any participants in the process attempting to take an objective view, as the Guardian is appointed to act for the child. If that's the role you're performing, and still it's making you uncomfortable, I think that perhaps contested child proceedings are never going to be a happy environment for you. Do you ever chat to others who've done your job and have transferred to something different?

My child is a SW and works on the basis that every decision/ recommendation is helping/ protecting a child .X

I read your first post and I thought you probably do my job.

i was right.

How do I cope? The honest answer is, I don’t know! After 6.5 years I’ve just moved into management, which doesn’t sound like a solution on paper, but I’ve found it much easier to deal primarily with colleagues and fellow professionals rather than the high levels of emotion, trauma and conflict experienced by the families I worked with. It became quite relentless and draining, even though I enjoyed the job at its heart.

What’s the team around you like? Do you see each other in person much, or are you quite spread out geographically?

Interesting so many of us work in the same field - I'm a LA lawyer . Not now in the same area of law but I manage the service . It's much worse now than when I started 20 yrs ago.

@plominoagain A thank you from me as well, the police were wonderful when they had to tell me my DD had died. It was quite a few years ago but I will never forget their compassion.

Plus @FigandDrop you are helping children and probably saving some of their lives, never forget that.

I work as an antisocial behaviour officer, my whole day is dealing with angry people who think it's perfectly acceptable to be verbally abusive and threatening to me (and these are usually the complainants, and not the alleged ASB perpetrators!) I find I have to just be able to laugh and compartmentalise it away at the end of the day. I find small wins whenever I can and feel confidence in my decisions. I go to court a lot, and it's awful having every decision you do questioned.

My husband is a London police officer, he's been stabbed, spat on, jabbed with a used needle, assaulted, threatened, run over and yet the media narrative is always anti police. The sentences for assault on police are woeful (he's currently warned for court, waiting for a case where he was bitten making an arrest on his way home from work) and I doubt the criminal will get more than a wrist slap meanwhile my husband has a scar and had to wait for tests for Hep and HIV.

Thankfully he is now a CI so not "on the beat" anymore, as it was awful! I have so much respect for our Police. I deal with them a lot in my job as well, and it's such a thankless job.

Thank you so much to everyone that has responded, I feel heard and not alone! Post Christmas back to work has been particularly bad conflict wise. I feel I used to handle it better, in that I mean the personal toll on myself, but I feel I'm struggling more the older I get. Just got new case papers and it actually states its a high conflict case, I want to hide under a rock! A warm rock!

Kudos to all of you out there in tough jobs, dealing with tough stuff to protect the vulnerable.

I am going to look at setting up a weekly counselling session as has been recommended. I don't need the supervision side of it, I can access that when I need it in terms of law, its the personal toll on me I don't have any support with as it is just me, myself and I. Oh, and an utterly useless husband, but we won't go there