Teenage evenings

[ThreeBeanChilli]

I'm curious what an average 15 year old does in the evenings. Particularly one that isn't tied into lots of clubs...

I have a child who used to do lots, but at 15 is autistic and has poor mental health and really stuck with evenings so thought I'd see both what was "normal" and also anyone in a similar position to me!

DD’s usual routine:

School ends @ 3:15
Either straight in the car with me to go horse riding (2 evenings per week) or walks into town and gets coffee with friends before getting the bus home
Home around 5pm
Dinner @ 6
Chill time
Shower, skincare etc
Homework until ~10pm (she works best later at night)
Bed (and realistically an hour of scrolling on her phone!)

That sounds a fab balance! Exercise/friends and still some downtime.

Mine is not doing all that. I wish she was! I think phone/TV is her way to unwind and also isn't overly helpful. Homework seems to be overwhelming too so she's not in a good pattern at all.

@ThreeBeanChilli Trust me, DD is very far from perfect!! Not unusual to still be finishing homework in the early hours as she’s a master procrastinator… Would she even go to an exercise class with you or her friends? I often drag DD along with me to yoga or Pilates when she’s in a rut and it definitely helps her. Duke of Edinburgh award is a great way of getting them out of the house, DD only did it as she’d recently quit a sport that really was her life and had no idea what else to do with herself. One night every fortnight she volunteered at an animal sanctuary, one night she stayed late at school for expedition planning with friends and then the other 2 nights were spent horse riding and baking for her sport and skill sections. Definitely would recommend it, even the actual expedition which DD thought she would hate she really enjoyed. Such a good way of building teamwork skills & confidence

Yes she's signed up for D if E and going climbing once a week. She's really looking forward to the expedition but they haven't started planning that yet - probably more for the experience with her friends than for the actual expedition/walking side.

She really doesn't have much energy/capacity for peopling after school but she does practice her instrument.

It's a bit of a vicious cycle where going out takes too much energy but she's not doing anything to revive herself.

She's delaying the volunteering as even though we found an online one for an hour a week she can't face it so I'm going to wait until the climbing is settled in before suggesting it.

She gets overwhelmed by things she ought to be doing. It just isn't much fun really. Seeing friends and horseriding sounds much healthier approach!

Most of them sit in their bedrooms and sulk!

I have three teenagers. Their evenings are generally

3:30ish come in from school
3:45ish have a snack
4-7ish hang out in room maybe doing homework or revision and likely on phones or some gaming
7ish dinner
7:30-10ish sometimes watching football / tv downstairs, sometimes back in room. Some of them have a shower during this time others have one in morning.

Each of them have 2 nights a week playing sports but they are all different nights to each other. On these nights they are out for approx 1.5hrs and will eat early or late.

On a Friday and Saturday night they are more likely to watch a film with us or generally speak to us a bit more. Sometimes they cook dinner for us but not very often.

Hoglet- I can't tell if that's real or if you're joking. As in is that what most teenagers do? In which case mine might be less "odd"... are they online or watching TV or just having space?

I have an ASD 15-year-old girl, and so what you are saying resonates.
By the end of school, she's had way way too much of people, so the downtime is super important to her, and yes, it's on a screen, but it really helps her to reset from the day.

We use dinner time (around 7) as the switch-over; after that, it is homework. She's just starting to realise that doing the horrible homework first is a game changer, so she'll do anything she dislikes straight after dinner - often with something sweet on the side as dessert. In the latter evening, she focuses on subjects she likes. For her, this is sciences and art/design. She heads up to her room around 9/9.30; her rigidity in routine comes as a blessing here because she sticks to 10 for lights out during the week.

She does a couple of clubs during lunch breaks at school, and at weekends, kickboxing and seeing friends. Frankly after school during the week the focus is downtime and homework (bar one evening after when she sees a therapist).

It's real! They are generally online or watching the TV or playing with their phones but they like their own space at that age. I definitely think that the sociable ones that 'do stuff' are in the minority.

Thanks everyone. It feels like 5minutses ago I was making an afterschool snack and preparing a craft and my kids would "play" together/make up dances.

I'm not quite sure when it changed! And also not sure if I'm best trying to make things happen/interfere or leave them to chill. Also aware if I spend hours scrolling I don't actually feel better for it, so don't want their "chill" time to be making them worse if that makes sense!

Flipflop- did you arrange a therapist privately? And was that due to autism( you don't need to answer!) Were waiting for camhs (ha) but have wondered if it would help. She doesn't talk to anyone so we has no idea she was struggling so much underneath it all.

Flipflop - also is she doing 2 hours of homework a night!? Mine is struggling a bit with organising revision/doing anything without a deadline and I think resents the demand on her evening. Even though she loves school/the work 🙄

So yes, privately, we live abroad, so not really any other options for us. It started as support for severe anxiety, but since then, we've had a diagnosis of ASD1. Its actually an art therapist, she was initially recommended for CBT but hated it with an absolute passion - far far too much talking about herself and she felt pressure to "do things". But art therapy has been really helpful - she likes art anyway but she particularly finds doing the art a way to articulate her feelings which she just won't with words. Some of the output has been a bit heartwrenching to see as her mother, but I feel its at least better we know more about what she's going through and she's finally talking about her feelings.

That sounds brilliant. And yes I couldn't handle cbt myself despite understanding the logic. I think it needs a certain level of regular feelings and understanding/recognising them rather than 1000 thoughts at once and overwhelming emotions!

The art therapist sounds perfect 🥰.

Mine gets home at 4:45
Homework
dinner
plays on guitar
more homework
more guitar
online games with friends
plays with the dog
watches weird crap on you tube
more guitar

Mine gets in at 4.30 (has a 3 mile walk home with heavy backpack)
Takes all clothes off in hall
Gets a snack
In room
Takes dinner to room
9pm I remove screens
Has shower
Goes to sleep about 10.30

Any homework is done at the weekends when he might go out for a bike ride or walk with headphones on. He is autistic and doesn't want to see anyone outside school.

Gets home 3.30. Snacks. Goes on phone, snapchat. Makes tiktok videos. She's really into hair and beauty so practices that. Does her homework, has long showers, goes to bed. She's 13 and has never once seen friends after school. She says they don't do that! She won't go to clubs either. I'm at work so there's little I can do to change it. She finds school quite overwhelming so needs some downtime afterwards.

Thanks. So sat in room watching crap is quite usual.... (and not making them worse?!)

Also much less interaction with the family... it honestly helps to know this is usual.

When dds were teens they come in have a snack watch tv in living room. We have tea. The they do homework followed by phone/laptop time or watch tv with us. At weekends they would meet friends

In just after 4.
Tea and toast.
Plays Zelda.
Refuses to play with little sister.
Plays with little sister.
Falls out with little sister.
Chats to me while little sister furiously scrolls phone.
Music practice.
Homework.
7pm Dinner.
We all watch something together.
Homework.
Mysterious and lengthy shower time.
Journalling.
Comes down again to chat and have a hug.
9pm bed.

I think it's very normal for teens to spend a lot of time in their room, I certainly did when I was that age too. My DS 14 gets in from school, normally strips off to his pants (leaving everything else wherever it falls!) and eats a lot of snacks then usually goes up to his room and is up there pretty much all evening apart from coming down to eat dinner when he may stay down for a short while after. He then goes back to his room until I try and encourage him to get ready for bed around 10ish, but he's usually not ready till.about 11. He only does homework at the last minute the night before despite a lot of nagging and is a frequent cause of arguments between us. He does have clubs 2 or 3 times a week and sport both days at the weekend but the rest of the time is what he does.

(should have said he is on his xbox/phone/watching tv when he is in his room.

My not asd but other issues DD was always too exhausted after school for anything. She used to just collapse and watch TV.

When she recovered a bit from pandemic MH collapse restarted playing board games after our evening meal which she enjoys when she has the energy.(age 19 now)