Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

This is so weird - can anyone shed any light?

31 replies

Leolly · 08/01/2024 16:33

I had a thread sometime last year about a woman who cut me off for no reason at all that I could think of. It really upset me at the time because I liked her very much, thought it was mutual, and thought we were well on the way to becoming friends. I spent weeks trying really hard to think what I could possibly have done.

But, when all was said and done, I'd only known her for about 10 months so I chalked it up to "one of those things". I haven't heard directly from her since but we volunteer for the same organisation so I know that she's doing regular duties, and we are on the same WhatsApp outreach group (again, connected to this charity).

This morning I had a phone call with another woman who works for the same charity. I knew that she and the woman who cut me off were good friends, so I asked her how she (woman who cut me off) was. This morning's woman started crying and eventually was able to tell me that the exact same thing had happened to her. But in her case, they'd been friends for nearly 5 years. Like me, this morning's lady couldn't think of a single thing she'd done - when she messaged to ask, cutting-off woman blocked her. There was also an incident where they happened to meet at the centre where we volunteer, and when this morning's woman said hello to cutting-off woman, cutting-off woman turned her back on her.

This morning's woman was so upset over the whole situation so I told her that, since more or less same thing had happened to me, it wasn't her, it was the other woman.

Anyway, I'm really curious as to why someone would behave like this. I completely get people growing apart or falling out etc, but in neither instance was this the case. Does anyone have any theories as to what could be going through cutting-off woman's mind?! I know that's a big ask, but perhaps you've experienced similar behaviour or have some understanding of personality types? Or something! I've copied and pasted my opening post from my original thread below. Many thanks for any insights and apologies for the length!

Opening post from other thread:

"Some time last year I met a woman at a volunteering activity. We hit it off and quickly became friends.

Since we met we've done volunteering duties together, we've met for coffee, for lunch, for dinner (sometimes alone, sometimes with other friends). In between meetings we've exchanged messages fairly frequently and have discovered we have a lot in common.

So mid April I sent her a message - very normal kind of message for us, asking what she'd been up to and catching up on what's been happening etc. Didn't hear anything for a few days but that's been fairly normal too.

Sent her another message three or four days after that, asking how she was. No reply so after a week I just messaged saying I hoped she was ok, but if not was there something I could do.

Again I didn't hear anything for a week and then got a short message saying "I'm ok thanks". I replied saying I was pleased to hear that and had I done something to upset her?

That was last week. I haven't heard anything and I know I asked "now what?" in my thread title, but I won't message again. I've clearly done something to really upset or anger her - but I honestly have absolutely no idea what it can be. For context, we're in our 50's."

OP posts:
Wilkolampshade · 08/01/2024 17:48

All I can suggest is she's heard something from a third party that makes her feel you've betrayed her in some way OR she's in an abusive relationship and partner has manipulated her into this. Most likely explanation though is she's a cow who gets her kicks from hurting people.

Falkenburg · 08/01/2024 17:58

It's possible she has a set thing in her mind that she finds unacceptable and her only way of dealing with is to completely sever all ties and never communicate again.

That's two issues, the thing she sees as a problem and the way she deals with it.

The thing she has a massive problem with could be time keeping for example. So if anyone is late more than a few times she drops them.

The handling of it is quite brutal as she never explains why she is ending the relationship or even to try and sort any problem out.

Hellocatshome · 08/01/2024 18:01

It is very unlikely that its anything about you or this mornings woman, especially as you are unconnected with each other.

I had a colleague once whose son was arrested for an awful crime. She didn't know how to face anyone after so cut off all her friends and quit her job even though some of us didn't even know anything about it. Maybe she is struggling with something and is dealing with it this way.

Gnomegnomegnome · 08/01/2024 18:03

Could be anything.

I am massively projecting but….
Maybe she’s protecting herself by setting boundaries.
Maybe she’s struggling and cutting off people who might see through her mask.
Maybe someone in her private life is encouraging her to leave friendships.
Maybe she’s changed and doesn’t want to be that person that she was in these relationships.

(Disclaimer: I know that I have issues!)

MaggieNextDoor · 08/01/2024 18:05

She's obviously got some kind of deep rooted problem with close friendships. Maybe she felt she'd confided in you too much and that left her feeling vulnerable.
Maybe she has a horrible husband who bans her from forming friendships with other people.
Maybe she just likes the buzz of hurting people's feelings.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/01/2024 18:07

I had a friend like this She had Borderline personality disorder
Symptoms of idolise, devalue and discard were what happened with me
( diagnosed, by the way)

Avatartar · 08/01/2024 18:08

Perhaps she’s part of a witness protection programme and had to move on?

pictoosh · 08/01/2024 18:11

Maybe just forget about her now.

DyslexicPoster · 08/01/2024 18:16

Thinking back to when you was friendly. Did she slag people off? Her family? Or other friends?

In my case, when I looked back, the person who ghosted me had
Disowned her mil
Hidden her pregnancy from her siblings
Invited no friends or family to her wedding
Cut off a mutual friend for being too "healthy"
Cut off a friend for walking past her house with another mutual friend and not telling her.

After she ghosted me I briefly had doings with her for a few weeks.
She had by then
Cut off her in laws. All of them.
Cut off her siblings. Every one.

Also mutual friends when I bumped into them they asked about her and expressed they thought she was strange because you guessed it,she had ghosted them.

She picked up and put down friends very easily as she seemed charming. But she has Cut off her kids entire family before they turned ten. Without meeting her does she sound like a nice stable person? All the signs was there, I though I was above her cutting me off as I was special. I had all the warning signs and ignored it.

JingleSnowmanTree · 08/01/2024 18:19

Maybe she just doesn't have the energy to keep up friendships? Especially if it involves long texts.

a bit weird blanking the other woman though.

do you think you & this mornings woman could be friends?

Username123343 · 08/01/2024 18:19

I think I replied to your original message but just in case I didn’t:

I had a friend for a few years who suddenly ghosted me for no apparent reason. All I could think of was a random thing I’d said the last time we spoke and thought maybe that’s what she took offence at, despite this being a complete ‘clutch at straws’ thing.

Anyway, a little while ago she regained contact and apologised and gave a full and frank explanation for the 3/4 year ghosting. Turns out it was NOTHING to do with what I’d said the last time we spoke and importantly for you to hear, nothing at all to do with me.

I just wanted to add that into the mix of the wise comments above - it’s highly likely a ‘her’ thing, not a ‘you’ thing. And best to try to put it to bed now as you’re truly never going to know unless she tells you herself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/01/2024 18:22

Think of all the abusive men on here who like to punish their partners. That is exactly the sort of thing they would do. You just have to stop speaking to her yourself. Otherwise she might rein you back in in order to reject you again.

IdaPrentice · 08/01/2024 18:22

My guess: personality disorder, I doubt you'd find a rational explanation.

DyslexicPoster · 08/01/2024 18:26

Username123343 · 08/01/2024 18:19

I think I replied to your original message but just in case I didn’t:

I had a friend for a few years who suddenly ghosted me for no apparent reason. All I could think of was a random thing I’d said the last time we spoke and thought maybe that’s what she took offence at, despite this being a complete ‘clutch at straws’ thing.

Anyway, a little while ago she regained contact and apologised and gave a full and frank explanation for the 3/4 year ghosting. Turns out it was NOTHING to do with what I’d said the last time we spoke and importantly for you to hear, nothing at all to do with me.

I just wanted to add that into the mix of the wise comments above - it’s highly likely a ‘her’ thing, not a ‘you’ thing. And best to try to put it to bed now as you’re truly never going to know unless she tells you herself.

Do you think you could be friends again with her? Knowing what you know now?

dontgobaconmyheart · 08/01/2024 18:29

I wouldn't imagine there is much light to be shed from those not involved.

Either she felt the both of you behaved as such that she wanted to end the friendship/something happened that offended her/she did not find the friendship positive and didn't feel it warranted discussion, so ended it - or she has her own issues, relationships or friendships are difficult for some reason - past experiences, mental health, anxiety. Who knows but her and if this is the case it is obviously too difficult for her to feel able to discuss or confront.

All you can do is accept it and move on. You aren't aware of anything you've done then there's no point trying to pick at it to work out what happened. I would wish her well, find it a shame but remove personal association from it. Looking for closure in a situation like this is a hiding to nowhere, I would reframe as the closure having been when the friendship ended, regardless of the reason.

Leolly · 08/01/2024 18:38

Thanks so much for the replies and suggestions. Just want to reiterate that I don't spend much time at all thinking about it now - I do occasionally wonder though when I see her name on the rota where we volunteer or on the associated WhatsApp groups. It's only because I found out this morning that she's done something similar to someone else that I started wondering again.

She is divorced and did have a long term partner but in the time I knew her she ended that relationship. I think I would describe her as a complex character - she had a difficult childhood not dissimilar to mine, so I felt that we had a lot in common.

OP posts:
thelovingkind · 08/01/2024 18:39

No idea but a similar thing happened to me with my friend. We were friends for about 5 years and she randomly cut me off, and despite my best efforts to get in touch and asking what was going on, I never heard a word from her and if ever I've seen her in public then I just get glared at. I'm still sad about it but some reasons I came up with are:
A weirdo (very out of character from her though, she was lovely)
Told me something too personal and felt embarrassed
Mental health/physical health problem that she didn't want to explain
Abusive husband (really really hope not as I would hate to think I didn't help her)

I don't think we will ever know with these people, unfortunately. I just hope my friend is ok now, where ever she is.

Username123343 · 08/01/2024 18:42

DyslexicPoster · 08/01/2024 18:26

Do you think you could be friends again with her? Knowing what you know now?

Interesting question. Have you been in my position too? How do you feel about it?

Ejismyf · 08/01/2024 18:43

She just sounds like a weirdo

Delatron · 08/01/2024 18:44

She’s clearly got issues. My grandma used to do this - fall out with people for no reason, and then not speak to them for years. She ended up with no friends. Quite sad really. You probably did something very minor that would annoy her. As did the other woman. You’re just better off without her. Some people hold random grudges for very long times.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/01/2024 18:49

Some people just clear house and start over periodically.

I have (sort of!) a friend from maternity leave who was a good friend for 6 years and then....not available. Ever. And it turns out she had done the same to other friends, for reasons which are also unclear. But when I think about it, she is someone who has lived a lot of different lives in different countries and seems to have moved on repeatedly, so why would she get into her forties and do anything different? We probably should have seen it coming. It has been confusing for my son though, and also her son - none of the children understand why they don't see him anymore.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 08/01/2024 18:56

@TheYearOfSmallThings crikey, that's really sad for her son. 😔

Nandocushion · 08/01/2024 18:59

We met a family years ago with DC the same age, who lived just down the street. Kids hit it off right away and for about 3 or 4 months we were all inseparable. Then, out of the blue, both kids stopped coming around, texts went unanswered, they walked by our house on their way elsewhere without even waving. Talking to other families in the street, we learned that we were just the latest people this had happened to - the family in question basically went around love-bombing families, became inseparable for a few months, then moved on to the next family without so much as a backward glance. When I actually spoke to the parents at parties or whatever, you'd think we were barely acquaintances.

The mum did have a complicated upbringing, but no idea whether it was to do with that or not.

I consider myself lucky - two families later, she and the mum got matching tattoos! Then a month later, she was gone again.

12menandtrue · 08/01/2024 19:02

Shrug and move on.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/01/2024 19:07

ArchetypalBusyMum · 08/01/2024 18:56

@TheYearOfSmallThings crikey, that's really sad for her son. 😔

I should add they are both great fun and sociable people who have no trouble making friends, so he is not lacking company. But they came to my son's party and at the end she had to haul him away and he was loudly asking "But when will I see my friends again?" which did feel awful.

Swipe left for the next trending thread