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Original poster

DH dislikes DS

43 replies

Friarclose · 07/01/2024 19:50

I've been with DH 10 years, married 5. DS is 13. Also have my 2 DSSs who are 14 and 11.

I have DS 50/50. Lately, my DH has been finding it harder and harder to veil how he feels about my DS. He doesn't have a nice word to say about him. Not to his face, he's fine to him in person. Just constantly bitching about him "he takes food from the fridge without asking" "why does he never bin his food packets" "he's lazy" "I pity anyone he ends up with" list goes on.

My DS is a typical teenager and yes he can be lazy, and messy, and things a lot of teenage boys are. But he can't do a thing right in my DHs eyes and sometimes I see him looking at DS and his disdain is very apparent in his eyes.

They used to get on a lot better, it's since DS is getting older their relationship is worsening.

Tonight I had a row with DH over it, said I was sick of his attitude to DS and if u ever had to choose I'd choose DS with no hesitation. DH retaliated saying I've got a bad attitude with his DSs too.

I admit I'm not always marvellous with my DSSs, same kind of stuff as DH with my DS, feeling like they take me for granted etc. DSS2 also says some hurtful things to me at times, stuff like "when you're old I'll put you in a horrible care home because I'll be spending all my money on my mum" he can be very hurtful at times.

We used to be a really happy blended family but since the boys began maturing it's become fractured and resentful.

How can I put us on a better path? Leaving is not an option, the house is in both our names however I paid the deposit solely- I cannot afford the mortgage without DHs contribution.

OP posts:
Manyandyoucanwalkover · 07/01/2024 19:53

I’m sorry but I think you should split up. You definitely need to put your child first. There is always a way.

RandomMess · 07/01/2024 19:54

You and DH have counselling to see if you can work through it?

Are there house rules that all the boys are held to equally and consistently?

Allthingsdecember · 07/01/2024 19:56

Splitting up is the only option I can see. You don’t like each other’s children. No child should have an adult that dislikes them in their home.

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13 year olds Families
Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 07/01/2024 19:56

You've just told dh that your son comes Friday. His response wasn't "oh my god I'm sorry, I'll do better" it was "yeah well you are just as bad".

You've told him you'd choose your son if he didn't change, doesn't sound like he's going to so now you kind of have to follow through with it and put your son first.

Wheresthefibre · 07/01/2024 19:58

You can try counselling.

But you both have to be honest. Because here it sounds like you are both doing the same thing. He is justifying it with ‘but you do it’ and you are justifying it with ‘well yeah, but when I do it’s ok because XYZ and MY son doesn’t do those things’

The problem is, counselling could take a while. And even then not work. By which time all the kids relationships with their parents could have been damaged.

please don’t pretend the kids don’t know their respective step parents have a dislike for them. Kids always know.

gamerchick · 07/01/2024 19:59

Unfortunately it's going to get worse as they get older. Tell him that things need to change or you'll have to seperate, sell the house and get on with your lives. It's going to fester and eat away at your relationship.

Nubnut · 07/01/2024 20:01

She's asking for advice about a complex issue, it's too easy and lazy to just say "leave him".

DarkForces · 07/01/2024 20:01

You need to take responsibility and change the way you speak about your stepchildren and he needs to do the same. Sadly only one of these things is in your control. If you can't both make the necessary changes you need to separate

DarkDarkNight · 07/01/2024 20:01

Your poor son! It’s good that you’ve very firmly let your husband know you would pick your son and let him know he comes first.

I was going to suggest you have your husband a taste of his own medicine and constantly bitched about his sons to him to see how he liked it, but he has accused you of that already. Do you think you’ve both fell into a tit for tat habit? Could you tell him how upsetting you find it and call an amnesty or do you think it’s more than that?

How often do his sons stay? Is it possible he just doesn’t see the behaviour that much from them but your son is in the house more? I don’t think it’s a good environment for anyone to be honest.

Original poster
Friarclose · 07/01/2024 20:03

The boys do have rules to follow however they're not great at following them. DH is all bluster, no action. He makes the rules then when the boys flout them he just bitches to me about it.

Full transparency- he also has a DD who is 15, and he's not seen her in 4 years, her choice. Parental alienation is what the court ruled it, and he was advised to just wait. He had a very good relationship with her prior to this and he now won't say boo to a goose around his boys as he thinks they will leave too. Its like he puts all the annoyance he feels with his own sons onto my DS.

The boys get on very well and have a good relationship. They see each other as brothers.

Counselling is a good shout.

Splitting really does need to be last resort as I honestly do not make enough money to support DS and I on our own, plus DS would be devastated to lose his step brothers.

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 07/01/2024 20:03

Tit for tat habit, no idea where papers came from!

Katbum · 07/01/2024 20:06

People on mumsnet love the ‘break up’ advice, which is rarely if ever the right advice for a single problem posted in an Internet forum. It’s actually very normal for resentments to bubble up in blended families and this time of adolescence is hard even in nuclear family homes. Accept you are not going to feel the same unconditional love for a SC as for a DC, and that the same goes for your husband. Then think about what you can do to make family time manageable for one another. In my home that means SC has to follow same rules as DC, me and husband have a United front on rules and we both try and spend quality time with all the children, even when they have wound us up. For example I watched a favourite movie and ate snacks in bed with my SD today, even though we had a huge blow up last night. Do I feel all warm and fuzzy towards her: no. Is she child who needs some connection with adults in her life: yes. Try to make choices not totally driven by emotions.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/01/2024 20:08

He doesn't like your son. Nothing you do will make him. Counselling will not help you and any credible counsellor won't sit there discussing with a man who dislikes his young stepson. My guess is you'd go to counselling and he'd come up with any other reason under the sun that's a problem in your relationship, and totally not address his dislike of your son because it will reveal to counsellor to how unreasonable he is.

Dont use bricks and mortar as a reason for staying. People divorce and have to sort their houses out all the time. If you stay you will rue the day you didnt put your son 1st and 'yeah but, the house son/I did it for you' won't wash with him - and nor should it. He'll be out of your life asap. I found it hard to read about your husband looking at your son with disdain. He's an unpleasant, two faced bastard and how you can have him touch you, I can't fathom.

Ponderingwindow · 07/01/2024 20:11

towards the beginning of your post you wrote “ever had to choose I'd choose DS with no hesitation”. That isn’t really true though because you are saying that you depend on your husband financially and can’t leave.

RandomMess · 07/01/2024 20:12

Sounds like counselling is needed to thrash out that he is dumping on DS.

You do need to be clear that if he doesn't deal with his issue the marriage will end.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 07/01/2024 20:15

Splitting really does need to be last resort as I honestly do not make enough money to support DS and I on our own, plus DS would be devastated to lose his step brothers.
So if it wasn't for finances you wouldn't stay? Does ds dad contribute to his son? Are you working full time?

AllAroundMyCat · 07/01/2024 20:17

Six of one , half a dozen of the other.

Counselling is needed, failing that, you need to spilt.
Sorry.

Original poster
Friarclose · 07/01/2024 20:17

@Katbum this is great advice, thank you

OP posts:
YourInGoodCompany · 07/01/2024 20:19

This is really common because men are not biologically conditioned to raise other people's children. Some manage to do a better job than others. That bond just isn't there, they just tolerate the step kids.
I personally couldn't tolerate it, l raised my sons alone and thank God everyday we don't have a man here ruining our peace. It's lovely just the three of us.

Patchworksack · 07/01/2024 20:20

Teens are often self cantered and just bloody irritating - when they are your own it’s tempered by love. It sounds like you have similar feelings about your step sons as your husband does with your DS so you must to some extent understand how the other feels. Work together on setting consistent boundaries for all three boys, backing each other up and being consistent and making time to build positive relationship. Separate the behaviour (annoying) from the young person (worthy of love and of feeling secure in their home).

Alloftheskies · 07/01/2024 20:23

I think maybe also enroll on a parenting course together as well as the counselling. You'd both have to be fully on board and willing to work at it tho.. and it doesn't sound like he is...
It can be hard parenting teens and you need to be working together and pulling in the same directionn. A parenting course on teen parenting might really help you enforce boundaries and decide on how to approach things together.

converseandjeans · 07/01/2024 20:31

Teenagers can be annoying. Could you spend time with your DS doing stuff together so DH isn't as involved?

Also you both need to stick to house rules & be consistent with all 3 boys.

How often are his boys there?

Beezknees · 07/01/2024 20:35

Leaving is always an option. I left my ex when I had no job and no money. Had to live in a hostel for a while and claim benefits but it was better than walking on eggshells.

I could never, ever be with a man who disliked my child. Whatever you decide, you need to sort it. I had a stepdad who didn't like me and I left that home when I was 16 because the atmosphere was horrendous and I felt like my mum didn't give a shit. Ended up living with my abusive boyfriend and his mum.

Falkenburg · 07/01/2024 20:36

13 year olds can be troublesome but your son doesn't sound like he's a problem and is just a normal 13 year old boy.

Of course there will be times when you or his step dad will feel annoyed at something he has done or said or didn't sometimes and the issue will be dealt with and possibly involve a punishment such as devices taken away for a set period of time etc.

However, your husband is just constantly whinging and acting resentful when the boy hasn't really done anything particularly wrong.

He is viewing the boys mere presence as being a hindrance in his life and in his home.

Once you decide you don't like someone it's very hard to start liking them again.

I don't see how you and your husband can overcome this and if you don't split then it's going to end up in major clashes and a lot of unpleasantness .

Original poster
Friarclose · 07/01/2024 20:43

I know for a fact that DS is unaware of how DH feels. He will still go to him to show him something on his phone, or chat to him while watching TV. They were quite happy together when DS was growing up and he frequently would sit on DHs lap etc (obviously he doesn't now!)

I will look into counselling and also arrange for DH and DS to do something fun without me.

My DSSs are here EOW and 1 night in the week, so not as often as DS.

OP posts: