DH dislikes DS

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I've been with DH 10 years, married 5. DS is 13. Also have my 2 DSSs who are 14 and 11.

I have DS 50/50. Lately, my DH has been finding it harder and harder to veil how he feels about my DS. He doesn't have a nice word to say about him. Not to his face, he's fine to him in person. Just constantly bitching about him "he takes food from the fridge without asking" "why does he never bin his food packets" "he's lazy" "I pity anyone he ends up with" list goes on.

My DS is a typical teenager and yes he can be lazy, and messy, and things a lot of teenage boys are. But he can't do a thing right in my DHs eyes and sometimes I see him looking at DS and his disdain is very apparent in his eyes.

They used to get on a lot better, it's since DS is getting older their relationship is worsening.

Tonight I had a row with DH over it, said I was sick of his attitude to DS and if u ever had to choose I'd choose DS with no hesitation. DH retaliated saying I've got a bad attitude with his DSs too.

I admit I'm not always marvellous with my DSSs, same kind of stuff as DH with my DS, feeling like they take me for granted etc. DSS2 also says some hurtful things to me at times, stuff like "when you're old I'll put you in a horrible care home because I'll be spending all my money on my mum" he can be very hurtful at times.

We used to be a really happy blended family but since the boys began maturing it's become fractured and resentful.

How can I put us on a better path? Leaving is not an option, the house is in both our names however I paid the deposit solely- I cannot afford the mortgage without DHs contribution.

All I can offer here is a warning that this is going to get a lot worse, more than you can imagine unless you and your husband put 💯 into making positive change.

Teenagers will.test even the strongest partnerships, it's literally a rite of passage, so if you want to do better than live in despair for the next 5-10 yrs, you need to put in the work.

You two have to be on the same page unquestionably. You must have each other's backs and you must, deep down, be prepared to love all children fiercely because my god they will push you as they navigate independence.

I'm talking alcohol, drugs, driving unlicensed, sneaking out... all sorts. You'll be craving for the days when the biggest misdemeanor was being messy.

Honestly, you both need to change your attitudes hugely and focus on each child's positive behaviour, acknowledging it every. single. time.

You need to try to let some of the smaller things go and savour the harmonious times. Home needs to be a safe place to fall, not a battleground.

Try to imagine that one of the children is gravely ill and what you'd do to get them well again, then apply that determination and persistence to your fily relationships.

So when you told him you'd choose your son over him with no hesitation that was objectively a lie? Because you're actively doing the opposite.

I think counselling would be a good start, so you and your husband can at least try and approach this as a team, because at the moment it sounds more like you're spitting at eachother from different sides of the same fence. Consistency and a united front is what you all need, and acceptance that you're not going to feel the same about your step children as you do your own son, and neither is he.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose OP has her son 50-50 so I assume there is no maintenance to be paid.

My stepdad didn't like me (probably still doesn't but hides it better) I resent my mother massively for choosing to be with a man who didn't even like her child.

Kids will often do this to win approval from a parent or caregiver when they know/sense things aren't right or they are being pushed away.

Your child will sense his dislike, I guarantee it.

You both need to make more of an effort. Everybody finds teenagers annoying. My husband and I grumble to and about ours loads, about what a mess they make and so on. But at the end of the day we all know we love each other (hopefully).

You both need to cut each other’s children some slack. You need to recognise that they are all as bad (and also as good) as each other. You and your husband need to locate your love for each other and find some goodwill towards each other, including each other’s children.

Finally, you need to remember that you two are the adults. It is YOUR responsibility to make sure every child in your home has a supportive and loving atmosphere.

Fake it if necessary but hopefully it will become a virtuous circle and become real.

Ah! Oops!

Why is this mumsnet’s solution to everything?

Thank you, it’s so irritating the way they just throw around the “leave him” advice. Yes it’s a complex situation and lot of work and commitment will be required but no leaving him is not the first option.

As if leaving a marriage of any length is a simple solution to a problem (and won't also adversly impact the children involved!)

Dh needs to start manning up with the rules with his ds esp. as they seem to flip him the bird and carry on regardless. There is distinct lack of respect from them.

Generally, I agree that MN is far too quick to jump to LTB.
However.
Your partner doesn’t like your child and isn’t even trying to hide it. The idea that you can notice the way he looks at your son with disdain but that it’s going over his head is farcical. Even if he can’t put his finger on it, he will know something is not right. When you raised this with your husband, he hasn’t self reflected on what he could do better, just turned it around on you. That’s not someone who is - at this time anyway - going to change their approach, because he is justifying it to himself and attempting to justify it to you, by making it something you’ve caused - ‘I’m like this to him because you are like this to my children’, ie, you need to change the way you are before I will change how I am, because you are triggering it.
You know this isn’t true so he’s put you in an immovable position.
Do not underestimate the damage that this will do to your relationship with your son if he sees you choosing a man who doesn’t like him, over him.
You say you’ll choose your son but per PP, you then say you can’t leave, so in practice, is that just an empty threat to him?
Counselling should be your absolute non negotiable and I’d be setting a pretty short timeframe to see real change in the way he is with your son before coming good on your statement to prioritise your son.

This is no way to live

You can’t be this naive OP. Children always know.

It’s very sad that you’ve spent DS’s childhood with someone who doesn’t like him.

No amount of counselling will make a man who doesn’t like a child be nice to him. He doesn’t care - if he did he wouldn’t behave this way.

I don’t see why DS would “lose” his step brothers - they can stay in contact regardless what happens with you and DH.

Putting a child first is the only way forward. I split from my second DH because he didn’t like my kids and didn’t hide it. I had no hesitation in putting my kids first.

Before you ask why I married him, he became unpleasant after we married.

You seem to have missed the point where OP admits she does the same her stepsons too

Couples therapy