Could someone talk me through what I have to do if someone dies?

[Elisheva]

My dh has been ill for a long time, and the consultant called me today to say that they’re running out of treatment options. He’s only 50.
Please could you tell me what will happen if he dies? What will I have to do? I guess the hospital will phone me, but do I have to go straight away, like if it’s in the middle of the night can I wait until the next day?
I literally can’t stop thinking about the most stupid things like how long do the children stay off school? Will the school know what to do?Who will I phone first?
Will there be someone who tells me what to do or do I just Google?! I’ve only been to a couple of funerals, how do I organise one?
I know I might sound a bit heartless but I feel like everything’s spinning and I want to get in control.

Sorry to hear about your husband.

With your children, I think you tell school now of the situation and then play it by ear when it comes to how long they stay off.

I'd also look into getting support in place for you and the kids now via for instance charities for DHs condition eg Macmillan or whoever.

The link below will explain the practicalities
https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies

The funeral director will talk you through the funeral process start to finish but it would be an idea to speak to your DH in advance about what he might like. I would include the children in the funeral planning process personally.

Also, look into bereavement support benefits.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

My dad died at home. We called the Out of Hours Gp who certified the death. I assume doctors at the hospital will do this for you. The next day we spoke to the funeral directors and the registrar. Once the death certificate was issued we went onto gov.uk tell us once section so that all the official departments knew and we could start the probate process.

If memory serves at each stage of the process you're kind of pointed at the next stage. So hospital phones, go in the next day if you want to see him. They'll then either give you the interim cause of death paperwork, or make an appointment for you to collect it depending on doctor's availability. Then make appt at registry office and take paperwork. Get several copies of death cert. Then phone funeral director who will take care of the rest.

There's a tell me once online thing, and prob best to let schools know now. Up to you if you think kids need normality of school, or whether you all need to hunker down as a family.

So sorry

So sorry to read this, have you got any RL help?

The hospital usually gives you a pack containing information about what to do if it happens in hospital. If he is at home you call the GP.
I'm so sorry you are in this position. Do you have support from your GP or MacMillan or similar? I would get in touch with your GP as soon as possible.
Also tell the school.
Is he currently in hospital or at home. When the consultant said they were running out of treatment options it doesn't necessarily mean it's imminent.
I'm in a similar position but my children are adults.

Yes, I have lovely family and friends who keep offering to help, but there’s not anything they can actually do.
Its just so strange. I’m doing an online shop and wondering whether to get a box of biscuits in case of visitors - like anyone will care!

There's a lot of information & support on the MacMillan website
https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help

He’s in hospital, in high dependency at the moment. The consultant said that they’re trying one or two last things but she doesn’t think they’ll make much difference, he’s just got too many different things going on. He’s stopped eating and is being fed via ng tube, but he’s still malnourished which is impacting healing.

@Elisheva do you have someone close who can look after the children? when the time comes, you might feel more at ease with your husband dying if you are actually there, holding his hand. you might need the babysitting assistance for a few days, not just one night. do you have a mum or dad who can come and stay for a few days to help. his parent if they are alive might want to be there too. as might brothers and sisters. when he passes away the doc will sign a certificate. you can then start the ball rolling and call in an undertaker to organise the funeral. the doc's certificate needs to be taken to the registrars office for death certificate. when death is registered there is the facility for the registrars to contact relevant banks and things like that. added note here. if you have no access to money it would be advisable to transfer money from his account to your account for living expenses for the next couple of months anyway. accept help from any friends and neighbours because you will need it. sorry you are going through this.

Sorry you are going through this.

Does your DH have a will?
Do you know his wishes regarding a funeral etc?

Don't let anyone make you feel rushed, do things in your own time.

I'd have someone (better still a team) on standby to come to your home immediately (any time day or night) to look after your children IF you suddenly need to go to the hospital. A trusted NDN if no family or friends nearby?

Then if you get a call to come to him before he dies you can call the Team and get a taxi to him ASAP.

If you get a call to say he's passed no point in rushing there. Take time for yourself and say Goodbye at the Funeral Directors.

Think about what would be best for your DC so they can understand and accept his death.

Above all - get all the support you can for you and DC. Make sure you eat and keep as normal a routine as possible.

I'm so sorry this is coming your way.

Contact Winston's Wish for the children, they will help you to navigate the steps with them.

When DH died there was someone there at each step of the way to tell me what nest, the funeral directors were probably the most helpful, can you identify a funeral home you would like to use so that if/when you find yourself in that position you know who to call.

The children are with a charity called Hope Support which is for kids with parents who have long term illnesses. To be honest they are my absolute priority. The school already knows the situation.

I am so sorry to hear this.

Depending on the situation, he may be moved to a hospice. He may be in hospital. If either of those you may want to be with him at the end if the timing can be judged and it is practical.

After the death before you can do anything you will need the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death. The attending doctor should sign this. You need to take it to the Registry Office covering the place he died, to register the death. There may be a delay in obtaining this and you may be unnerved by being told that the death must be registered within 5 days (not working days). Do not be alarmed, in practice it doesn't seem to be a problem. Inform the Registry Office if you can, even if you don't have the MCCD; this can often be done online. Google now, while you are fairly calm, to see if this is the case. You will still have to actually register his death in person. As PP said, several copies, say 6, of the Death Certificate (from the Registrar) can be really helpful and save the aggro of getting more. You may need to send them all off at once, but nowadays some places will accept a scanned copy.

You may prefer to find a Funeral Parlour in advance, ie now. Maybe ask around if anyone can recommend one. That sounds macabre, but a good supportive Funeral Director is a real blessing at a difficult time. You just phone them and they glide gently in and guide you.

It may not happen, but be prepared for your brain to stop functioning properly. It can be an awful shock and there seems to be so much to do and decisions to be made.

If people really want to help, ask them to do anything you need, eg phone the Funeral Parlour, fill in the Registry Office form (with your details), if applicable, drive you to the Registry Office, send emails to his contacts, or at least draw up a list, or post about his death on Facebook (as you want). Make sure there is a set of house and car keys easily accessible outside the house (maybe with a neighbour); it's very easy to lock yourself out while your mind is so busy.

What about the DCs? Are there arrangements in place for them to be looked after?

As PP say, the Tell Us Once service is good, and actually works. It's online and you fill it in step by step. Everything will be easier if you know where you can lay your hands on your DH's documentation: passport, driving licence, NHS number, National Insurance number. Also Bank Account numbers. Any accounts in his name only will be frozen, joint ones automatically become yours. But make sure you have access to money.

Sorry, it took so long to post that some of my points are irrelevant.

I can’t comment on other hospitals. With our patients, we will contact family (if they wish us to) to let them know that patient is dying (to give them chance to get in). We go through what admin is done afterwards. Family will also take the belongings of the deceased person with them. viewings of the deceased are arranged with the mortuary staff once a patient is transferred there, but in the ward, we do let families sit with patients and spend time with them, if that is what they would like.

A doctor would write the MCCD (medical certificate of cause of death). If appropriate, the doctor also completes a cremation form. When these are ready, you collect them from bereavement office. You then make an appointment to register the death. Get several copies of the death certificate from them (useful for when you need to show them to banks etc). These do cost. There’s a Tell Us Once service that is useful for notifying government agencies about the death. You also contact funeral director (your choice). They will collect the deceased person. They’ll also sit down with you to help plan funeral.

Families often are with a patient when they’re dying or they’ll come in if the patient has just died. Some want to be there, some don’t. But it is down to the individual- there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. Us nurses will take turns to sit with a dying patient if family can’t get in or don’t want to be there. Some families miss it or get there too late. And sometimes they’ll be sat with a patient all day, and then go to the toilet or to get a quick coffee, and the patient dies when the family is out of their room! What I’m trying to say is, if you’re not there, don’t beat yourself up. FWIW, I was with my mum when she passed but missed my Dad’s death by literally a couple of minutes.

I did the admin and funeral planning for both my parents, who both died at the hospital I work in. My mum died after ten days in hospital so we were working blind re: her preferences for funeral etc. my Dad had written out an order of service for his own funeral, and saved it as a pdf!! I’ve now done similar! Just do what is right for you guys as a couple and as a family. one of my friends chose direct cremation for her funeral - and told us to throw a party as a memorial to her. My folks had church funerals followed by burial. My other friend chose service at the crematorium for her funeral. There are many lovely ways to mark the passing of someone.

Make sure you get a lot of help and support around you and the kids. Cruse, WAY and Winston’s Wish are also very good for getting help and support for you and your family.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Xx

Sorry that you are going through this op. Schools will support your children. Nintendo my experience children don't often want to take too much time off after a bereavement. It's obviously very unsettling for them and they often want to get back to school and some structure, but if thats not what your children want school will support them with that too. Schools can also refer to grief counselling charities. Children I've taught who have lost a parent have always been so brave and resilient, they have blown me away.

I was much older than you (as was my DH) when my DH died.

My wonderful solicitor told me that the only 2 important things to do immediately were to contact funeral directors and inform every insurance company that you have insurance with of the death.

There is also a service called Tell us Once that will do a lot of informing pensions, social security etc.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

All the banks, building societies, insurance comapanies etc that I had to deal with had a dedicated bereavement team/department. They could not have been more sympathetic or helpful.

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time and focusing on things like buying biscuits is quite normal - it's a distraction.

Hi Op, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

I recently left the funeral industry, so I can advise on planning the funeral.

When someone advised us that they'd like our company to conduct the funeral, I would invite them to come in to make arrangements. Often the funeral director can do a home visit if you're too upset to attend their premises. People would often come in with other relatives or a close friend for support.

First off, I'd ask the bereaved person - if it's not too upsetting - to tell me a bit about their loved one. I would like to get an understanding of the person, as every deceased was a person to us, not just a body.

We had to ask certain information, such as full name, DOB, address, place of death, religion, name and address of GP etc. Then I'd move on to the funeral itself. Do you want cremation or burial. Motor hearse or other (eg horse drawn hearse). How many limos. Do you want your loved one dressed in their own clothes (a gown would be provided if not). Would you want any jewellery placed on them. Do you want them to be embalmed (recommended if you plan to visit your loved one in the funeral director's chapel). Where do you want the funeral to start from eg leave from home. If you have limos the funeral directors will take you on to the place of the wake afterwards. What type of coffin do you want. Do you want a minister or celebrant to take the service. What music would you like. Do you want a slideshow of pictures shown in the crematorium. Do you want the curtains to close or remain open at the point of commitment (some creams don't have curtains and you decide if you want the coffin to lower on the catafalque or remain on view). Do you want an order of service booklet.

There's a lot to take in and think about, but the job of the funeral arranger is to take the burden off your shoulders. They will liaise with all the third parties and do the majority of the work. Nowadays funeral directors have to be open about their pricing, so you can go on their website and see what packages they offer, at what price. I can't tell you how many people would walk through the door and say "I've never done this before", so don't worry, and let them guide you. And if anything is unclear, don't be scared to ask, as there are no stupid questions.

I'll be in this situation myself sometime soon, as my husband is terminally ill, so I can empathise with you. Thoughts are with you at this difficult time x

Just to add, we used to have a booklet on our literature stand - What to do when someone dies. It had lots of useful information and you might be able to pick up a copy from a local funeral director.

Thank you. That is in turn enormously helpful and quite daunting! We’re going to see him tomorrow and a friend is coming with us so she can take the kids off to Costa for a while. I know my Dh has a will, but I don’t know where it is 😕 He is the main bread winner so I need to work out what will happen about money. I am not prepared at all. I actually have a job interview next week (I work but need more hours) but probably not the best time to start a new job!

I'm so sorry you're going through this, you've had a lot of great advice here. One thing to be aware of, any insurance policies held in your DH's name, such as car or house will lapse automatically on death, so may need to be changed into your name. I'm still shocked this is the case as it's last thing to think about, such as driving home from the hospital. When my Dad passed, this all had to be sorted on the day so my Mum could drive insured and the house covered.

It sound horrible, but you need urgently talk about money.

If you have a joined account all should be well but if he has any accounts on his own, you need to know where and what is on it. Make a list with account numbers, log in details. You need to contact banks to ensure you can access funds.

Are you renting or do you own a house with or without a mortgage?

Make a list of all insurances he has, death, car, house.

Inform his employer, the HR department will be able to help with any benefits and company pension scheme you will be able to access.

Can you get someone on standby for your children? You will need time to sort out the admin parts and it helps if you can call someone to help with the children.

I am so sorry.

My advice is this: they will tell you you need to register the death within 5 days by law. Obviously it is best to if possible, but if you can't don't worry. I would say most people can't because of appointments etc. NOTHING will happen if you don't do please don't stress about that.

I would start thinking about funeral directors now too. I am not sure how quickly you are required to have one by the hospital. Other settings can require you to have one almost immediately.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once