Could someone talk me through what I have to do if someone dies?

[Elisheva]

My dh has been ill for a long time, and the consultant called me today to say that they’re running out of treatment options. He’s only 50.
Please could you tell me what will happen if he dies? What will I have to do? I guess the hospital will phone me, but do I have to go straight away, like if it’s in the middle of the night can I wait until the next day?
I literally can’t stop thinking about the most stupid things like how long do the children stay off school? Will the school know what to do?Who will I phone first?
Will there be someone who tells me what to do or do I just Google?! I’ve only been to a couple of funerals, how do I organise one?
I know I might sound a bit heartless but I feel like everything’s spinning and I want to get in control.

Really sorry to hear about your situation. It happened to me. You will cope. You will get help. The main thing to do is not overthink or get overwhelmed. One day and one thing at a time

This is helpful re funeral arrangements
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jan/04/emma-freud-guide-how-to-do-funeral

OP I heard a radio 4 programme about funerals last year. It had on Louise Winter, a modern funeral director. She sees to be so clear on what you have to do, but also what you can choose to do. I can't find a link to the exact show, but this is her website:

www.poetic-endings.com/when-someone-dies

Thank you. I think I will make a list, I always feel better with a list. I will try and talk to him tomorrow but he’s not always with it because of meds and infections. Am I allowed to move money from his account? I know it will end up as mine, but it’s not yet. He won’t mind at all but I don’t want to do anything dodgy. We have a joint account but he has his own as well.
Im wondering if I should maybe get a credit card for any expenses and then sort it out further down the line.
Now I feel guilty for thinking about money.

Don't feel guilty about thinking practically. There may be somethings that you can do now that make your life easier in the coming days, when your emotions will be all over the place.

Reluctantbrits advice just above (just below?) is good.

Hope he can help you to find his will. If you can't find it at home, it's just possible that the solicitors have it, if he used one. It's more usual these days to take it home, but it's worth checking.

Thinking of you.

Do you both have Wills in place? Also do you have shared info for emergencies - passwords to key accounts etc?

Something which is useful and may help you gain a sense of control is pulling together documentation, details of who needs to be told in order of priority (tell us once service only covers public sector groups such as local authority). Car insurance, Bank accounts etc will be a priority.

Don't underestimate how long simple things will take - be prepared to sit staring at them before you actually do them. If you have family to help with the practical tasks of letting people know, helping with suggestions around the funeral, double checking lists for you as well as the help and support with household stuff then accept all offers and give yourself time to support the children and yourself. Its very easy to say "I'm OK" or "I'm managing" but you need to accept help offered, even if its just picking up some shopping.

You should not feel guilty for being practical - you will thank yourself further down the line because you have to be practical, especially with young children.

Once you get given paperwork you can go to get the death certificate. Get about 5 because you send one off and they either take ages to return or don't even return it and you'll need the to send to others. Once you've got death certificate phone an undertaker. They will lead you through the process. Show you different coffins and ask if you want a religious service or celebrant or no service at all. You could ask your DH what he wants. He might want to leave a letter for his DC to receive on their wedding day or 18th birthday. I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

Get him to transfer money from his personal account to your joint account now. It will make life easier for you.

Ask him passwords or codes to his things now.

So sorry to hear what you and your family are going through
I understand why you are thinking of these questions - you are being practical and at this time when events are out of your control thinking like that will give you back some element of control.
My DH died (49) in 2022 and it really was entering a new world that I had no idea about!
Funeral - I went to an undertakers (I just chose one near me) and they literally guided me through everything!
School - DD was off for a few days - I can't remember- she had just started Year 12. But when DH was diagnosed it was 3 days before her first GCSE exam so the v first thing we did was get a letter from the hospital to give to the school to give to the exam boards. Again schools have experience of this - I think generally some level of normality is good for children grieving.
Admin (aka sadmin) - in the first few weeks I was on the phone for hours everyday sorting out stuff - horrendous but it also gave me purpose - I must admit I hadn't a clue re: our finances / bills etc
DH died before we could go through things together but looking back I am not sure I could have faced those conversations
Feel free to DM me x

@Elisheva I didn't notice yesterday but this thread is in Chat - suggest you ask MN to move it to Bereavement. There is tons of experience dealing with the emotional and practical aspects of bereavement there.

What a heartbreaking situation. I'm so glad you have so many supportive people around you. 💐

I lost DM last year, she was in a care home, the absolute first thing I had to do was get funeral director involved as they needed to collect immediately. This shouldn’t be a priority with a hospital but it should be quite quick. Then you make an appointment with them, and they hold your hand and tell you what you need to do.
I found the most useful thing was a small exercise book, one page for each thing I needed to do. You could start this now, it might help. As I thought of something (my mind was racing) I started a new page. So funeral director, contact details. Register death. Pension, phone, for you it would be anything still in his name, so bank, gas, electric, insurances, work, mortgage. Who to tell, family and friends, make a list, add contact details Etc etc! The list can feel endless but once I wrote it down I could stop fretting about the enormity of it all.
And then I worked through it. Page by page, jotting down contact numbers, who I called and when, what further actions were needed and then ticked them off once done. People will need copy death certificates but I found a lot would accept electronically, so much easier. PP said sadmin, so apt!
Most importantly take time for you, to process and grieve. It’s very easy to get so caught up in the stuff to do, that you don’t take the time you need.
My thoughts are with you.

Wen my mother died my dad and brother got the death certificate, I did a spreadsheet and a standard letter to banks, insurance companies, even the subscription to a newspaper and made a mail merge with a copy of the death certificate.

Most places did not need to see the original.

Cards will come from everywhere, you might not want to read them straight away but keep them together for you and your children.

Worth knowing that you don’t have to pay for funeral up front, (they bill you afterwards) and that any executor of the will is allowed to use the deceased persons money for the funeral expenses before all the probate etc is done.

Someone correct me if I’m wrong?

We went to visit him today. He’s pretty confused so I didn’t get very far with talking about finances or plans for anything. He can’t remember who he made his will with, or where he saved it. He showed me an account with some savings in, but then said he was planning to use that money to pay a debt. But he can’t remember who the debt is with.
I’m going to apply for power of attorney. I don’t know how long it takes to come through but it would be useful. I have bought a notebook 😁 I’m going to talk to our vicar tomorrow and I have a meeting with my boss on Monday, just to chat about possibilities.
Thank you all for the advice. I’m so sad that everyone had to go through this.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, to DH and to your children. I have some experience in this area professionally. Whilst DH is able to, please have an open discussion with him about his funeral wishes. This is important for him but perhaps even more important for you and the children to enable you to fulfill his wishes. If he is able to I would also suggest that he does a Will.

At my company we asked for a deposit up front - all of the third party costs (crematorium fee, celebrant fee etc) and half of our own costs. This was actually a good deal of the total. The remainder was billed afterwards and the client had four weeks to pay.

You are correct that the funeral director can send the bill direct to the bank if necessary and, providing there are sufficient funds, they will pay out before probate. Better still would be to go in to the funeral home now and set up a funeral plan and pay it straight away. You can usually save several hundred pounds with a pre-paid plan.

OP I'm not sure if you'll be able to get POA at this stage. Your DH will need to sign forms and if he's confused they may not be accepted. POA ends upon death, so if you are successful you will only have control up until the point your DH passes.

PoA are taking months to come through at the moment and it sounds like there may be an issue with capacity unfortunately.

Re will it may be with a local solicitor perhaps or on the will register (but wills do not have to be registered there).

Hope things go well for you.

I don't think you will be able to do a power of attorney now. It's a lot of paperwork and mental capacity sounds like it might be an issue.

With his will I would suggest contacting solicitors that he has used previously (divorce? House sale? Etc) as they might have it although you will need a death certificate to be able to get it.

Sorry you're going through this, 50 is no age.

Honestly I would spend as much time with him as you can and the practicalities can follow.

Make sure your name is/you are, authorized on all the bills like utilities, mortgage, mobile phones, credit cards, banks etc. etc. A lot of this can be done on the phone with him, but get him to sign papers if it needs to be signed. You will eventually be able to do it after his death with a death certificate, but it can take awhile, and you do not want to be wondering how to get access to pay the electricity bill, or having your mobile shut off while giving grief support to your children.

I can only echo what everyone else has said. But also to reassure you that may mum was 51 when my dad died, he was 54. She coped and you will too.
As an ex district nurse I would also grasp any opportunity of a hospice bed with both hands. The help and support for people choosing to die at home IME is often fragmented and inadequate. Families often don't realise what a huge personal undertaking this is.
Just in case that's the way things are heading.

Hey - I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.

I think (as far as I’m aware) that power of attorney ceases when someone passes away and can’t be used. Plus the person needs to be “of sound mind” when it’s granted, otherwise the next stage is court of protection (I think it’s called this).

To add to the PoA comments, I have just received a very straightforward one back. It took just shy of 6 months from when we posted it.