Help me deal with where to hide food

[Nocakeinthishouse]

My dd (20) has bullemia. She is also very constrained in what she will eat. I have to cook her meals from scratch, she is vegan and she has to watch me cook it so that she knows exactly what I have put in so she can count the macros and calories. She then waits until the household is asleep or out and raids the house food-wise. She has admitted that she can easily eat 8000 calories in a night.

i am trying so hard to help her. We’ve been to the GP, we have been in touch with BEAT, we have found her a group to attend, we got her help (which she flatly refused and now her BMI is back in the normal range so she no longer qualifies). I have stopped buying the foods that she says triggers her, even though the rest of the household enjoys them. The fall out from her binges are awful-she spends hours crying and ranting about how fat she is and it breaks my heart.

We have had problems with her eating her sister’s food previously-her sister is 6 and autistic-she has a very limited diet and so it is important that there is at least one meal in the house that she will eat. She likes to save food that has been given to her as a gift too, for example Easter Eggs and Chocolate reindeers that she got at Christmas time. Within days of her receiving them my older dd has eaten them, and because Easter or Christmas is now over they can’t be replaced as they are seasonal.

I am currently on a low calorie, high protein diet as I have been on medication that led to me gaining 30kgs, which needs to come off for my health. I have bought myself some high protein bars and a sweet freedom choc pot as something to tuck away for when I desperately want a sweet kick. I hid them in my underwear drawer because I knew that I couldn’t put them in the kitchen cupboard (they aren’t cheap and so I wanted to ration them). I went to get a teaspoon of the choc pot today and all the bars and the choc pot have gone. I only bought them on Wednesday. Over Christmas I was spending up to £180 a week on food and going to the supermarket every day, as the only things that didn’t get eaten the night I bought them were the vegetables that needed preparing before you ate them and my 6 year old needed feeding too.

I cannot afford to replace everything constantly. I am a single parent on minimum wage and dd doesn’t contribute to the household income because she is a student. I don’t know what else to do other than find better hiding places for things, but then how do I deal with the frozen and refrigerated stuff? I just wish she would accept help.

The chilled chocolate protein pots that Aldi sell have beef gelatine in them. Would they be an option for you?
Failing that you can get lockable boxes. we used to hide snacks in the tumble dryer.

That’s a really good call. When she is binging the veganism goes out of the window, but that is a nice high protein treat to know about, thank you!

So she is vegan and eats a non vegan food when it suits her?
Ha s she been assessed for adhd or autism? I am.not saying let's hop on a bandwagon of neurodivergency but I have feeling disturbed sleep she is experiencing must be rooted somewhere ( don't count on willpower to sort it out).
Does she not have to be up and active during the day?

Can she not cook for herself?

Why are you cooking her meals?

I feel a lockable box will solve a lot of your worries. Otherwise I find slid under bookcases/ chest of drawers where they don't go all the way to the floor is unlikely to be checked

I have broached the eating non-vegan food when she binges and she gets really upset and defensive and says that it is an illness and she can’t help it, which I completely understand, but I also get a bit narked paying a premium for vegan milks, butters etc when she then eats non-vegan food. She is currently in her first year of uni after a year off, so is on her Christmas vacation. She commutes from home so will have to be up by 10am for lectures from next week, but at the moment she has nothing to do other than scroll on her phone and watch tv.

She can theoretically cook for herself, but practically it takes 2+ hours per meal, uses every pan and utensil in the house, and she just leaves it all out all over the kitchen along with all the splashes and spills, and then flounces if I pull her up on it, so it is just easier if I do it since I’m cooking for me and dd anyway.

God, I feel like the worst mother ever. I’m grumbling and bitching over something that really doesn’t mean a great deal in the grand scheme of things. She is a good person, she is kind and polite and doesn’t take drugs or make me worry about where she is, but I just get irrationally annoyed when this happens. She made me buy a certain chocolate spread for her sister because it had milk in so she wouldn’t eat it. It has already disappeared and her sister never even got to try it!

Could you put locks on the cupboards and fridge/freezer?

I think locks are your only answer, she'll probably just keep searching until she finds something otherwise. Is there anything stopping her from buying extra food to binge on during the night anyway? What effect would it have on her if she can't get food during the night? Would she harm herself or anything like that?

You'll have to get locks. I'd put things in a lock box in your bedroom.

You're dealing with a lot, don't feel bad for finding it frustrating. I can tell that you love your DD, it is just this is very difficult.

I think locks are going to be the only answer too sadly ☹️. She used to self harm when she was younger but hasn’t done so for a number of years-I didn’t think that might come back if she can’t access the food. I feel so bad for her.

Give her a draw or cupboard a daily amount of food in and put locks on everything else.
Leave out some porridge and long life milk and she can fill up on that if she is up at night, it's cheap and filling and not that offensive to regurgitate.

Oh gosh OP this sounds so hard.

there is a really good book called ‘Brain over Binge’. It was recommended on here ages ago and I found it very helpful.

the essence of it is that often people binge because they aren’t eating enough in the day. That’s a v short hand version of course! But it does sound like she is very restrictive at some times which will be exacerbating the binges.

I just wanted to share the book title anyway because it’s actually one of the few things that I have read that was genuinely helpful.

I’m very much likely to get my arse handed to me here because I know it’s a mental health issue, but I’d be coming down on her like a ton of bricks. The same with a gambling or drug addiction, there’s lines that you do not cross. Going into your relatives room, rifling through and actually stealing stuff from your families drawers is definitely crossing it. If it was alcohol/drugs/gambling and money being stolen for that then her options would be to seek help and get it fucking sorted, or get out. She’s 20 years old and has no respect for you or anyone else, is costing you a huge amount of money with her binging, and stealing from her autistic sister. I’d be out of sympathy at this point. I know you’re trying to help her, but it sounds like you’re completely enabling her at this point. At what point is something going to happen for her to change? If she had her own place like a lot of adults in their 20’s do, she wouldn’t have the means to binge and steal. I’d be looking at issuing ultimatums, and following through on them if they’re not followed

What about locking most things away and leaving something she can access at night, fruit, no sugar jelly, something like that?

This is a lot to deal with - and really natural that you need to vent.
BMI should not be preventing her from accessing treatment for Bulimia. There should be an eating disorder service near you , and possibly one using Freed - have a look here freedfromed.co.uk/freed-for-all

I totally agree with this.

God, I feel like the worst mother ever. I’m grumbling and bitching over something that really doesn’t mean a great deal in the grand scheme of things.

Not at all, you sound like a saint!

What are the foods your autistic daughter will eat? Is there any way you can have only healthy, needs-cooking foods in the house for a while? Or at least nothing sugary?

Have you/she considered ADHD (I know I know - but with ND in the family, staying up late, bingeing and other boundary crossing, plus the self dislike it’s not unlikely)

Encouraging her to get to bed earlier would help, as will exercise. If at all possible- I know you can’t make her do either.

You clearly love your daughters very much.

It does sound like lockable boxes are the way to go. I would assume that with some discussion she could see these as a positive, given she doesn’t want to binge. It’s really good that she talks to you about it.

As for the cooking and the mess, I would be tempted to deal with these as unrelated to the eating issue. Ie clear boundaries - she is expected to clean up after herself.

I would be looking at independent living as whilst she's under your roof she has access to food and the knowledge that you are very compassionate.

When she has to buy all her food herself and make it last and cook it, she may act differently.

She may also behave different around students who will be more outspoken about her eating habits than you are.

Nothing will change for her or you whilst she still lives at home.

As above posters have said, look for treatment for bulimia if possible. The binge comes from the restricting, but the whole cycle is usually to do with something unrelated to food. What is the underlying cause of stress/ distress do you know? What is the eating disorder providing for her that she is looking for?
ps car boot is good place to hide stuff then hide the keys!

Going against the grain, l would not tolerate this l'm afraid.

It is selfish behaviour on so many levels;

Expecting you to fund her expensive tastes (which you cannot afford) whilst sitting around for a month, why can't she get a job like other students?

Expecting you to spend hours cooking for her whilst she watches ...l was agast... it would make much more sense for her to cook, (and give you back some time)

Eating her young sisters gifted treats is totally unacceptable, l would be livid.
An ED does not mean you have the right to walk over all other members of the family.

I would lock all family food away, then give her a couple of cupboards for her food (which no one else will touch) and a budget to buy and let her cook her own. She should know she has to clean up or the internet is turned off.

You have clearly gone above and beyond to help her, as any good parent would do but ultimately she is not taking responsibility and behaving like a demanding child.

You are all being so lovely and understanding and helpful, thank you. I was so worried about posting this.

I am going to make her cook more, and place emphasis on three square meals-she isn’t eating a proper meal until between 3 and 5pm, which cannot be helping! I foolishly hadn’t thought that it would be her body’s way of catching up from a calorie deficit.

She is going into accommodation next year as we both feel that she is getting too isolated commuting (she doesn’t club or drink and we are rural, so she hasn’t done any of the typical friendship making things this year, so is quite lonely). I think exercising would really help with her endorphin levels-she got into a really good place during her A-levels and year off where she was either working out of doing yoga every day, and it made a huge positive impact. She has joined the gym at uni but there are a lot of sport science students, so she is really intimidated by their physiques. She has signed up for ice skating lessons though which is a massive plus!

Her father has diagnosed ADHD, so I think we need to try for a referral. She has never been as “evidently” autistic as her sister, but I know very little about ADHD so I need to do some reading and will definitely order brain over binge.

I am starting to feel positive about this, thank you all so much. I was lost in the mire of the feelings of frustration and helplessness. Now I have positive things to chase up and do I feel much better and more pro-active.