I need some advice about dd school refusal

[whatsitabout79]

Dd is 12 and in year 8 and since around October she has been refusing to go in school. Every morning she cries hysterically where she can't catch her breath, is unhappy in the evening thinking about school. Year 7 she was fine and seemed to enjoy it. School have helped to an extend with a pass to leave lesson if overwhelmed but it's not really helped.

I'm at a loss as to what to do? I'm trying to juggle working, a young dc to look after. Do I change school, home school? I just don't know what to do

Have you seen the GP?

Does she have a diagnosis of Anxiety? My DD is similar and had Anxiety, Autism and ADHD. She gets help in the form of counselling / school nurse / intervention help from Healios via CAMHS and wr also have an Early Help Plan (with input from Speech and Language people and others)

You need to get to the bottom of what the problem is.

Sorry, just to add that my DD is also 12, but it all started when she was 10.

Watching with interest. We have this in our family - not my dc. I want to ask what they’re doing when they’re staying at home and especially what their screen time and diet are like. I feel like I’d make it very very boring at home, ie no devices etc

This sounds really hard. I agree that it's important to find out what is driving her anxiety and also what she sees as an alternative to not going into school. In your shoes I might try and find out what she enjoys at school and talk about this more, but overall this just sounds really tricky. Are you open to home schooling?

I recommend you look at the not fine in school - attendance issues Facebook group.

That's a good shout!

OP, here's their website.

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

Bless her. Speak with her to establish exactly what is causing the anxiety. Speak to Senco and ask what else they can do to help. Also, do you or school think any assessments may be necessary? The pass, as you say, is inadequate. School need to increase support. Also you may want to speak to GP about anxiety. I know what you are going through. If, after school have helped more, you feel that school is doing more long-term harm than good and your daughter is pleading with you not to go, then it may be best to keep her off and consider other options. Best wishes.💐

This happened with my DD. In her case it turned out to be illness - so maybe worth taking her to the GP and just asking for bloods to be done.

You could also start her on multivitamins and iron as well, just in case there is some tiredness driving this.

It's also worth looking at things in her life as a whole - has she started her periods? Are they painful or difficult in any way?

What is she like socially at school - does she have friends, have there been any falling outs?

The biggest problem with a pass to leave a class if overwhelmed, is the total fear of then re entering the class.

It's often a first port of call when kids display anxiety, but the school absolutely need to step up and do more.

Thank you very much for all replies. They are really helpful. I've just joined the group on Facebook and I'll have a look at their website. It's just awful seeing her so upset, this morning I got upset myself after I dropped her off, because I have to physically take her to school or she wouldn't go. Currently waiting for a call from school and I've made a GP appointment.

I've thought about homeschooling but have no idea about it and myself and DH both work so don't know how we would manage but definetely an option we might have to look at.

Have you asked her if she knows what's causing the anxiety? My DS missed most of year 10 and all of year 11 due to anxiety. He didn't know exactly what was causing it though.

Hes in his first year of specialist provision college now and still won't leave the house on his own. He is enjoying it though and is happy to be there.

No advice really, but you aren't alone.

If it has only recently come on and all was fine previously, I think first port of call is a proper chat with both DD and the school because my first instinct would be that SOMETHING has happened, or something has changed, which means she no longer wants to go to school.

Someone in my family also started school refusing in year 9 after going in no problem at all happy as larry in year 7 & 8, same school, same classes, nothing had changed that we knew of she just suddenly wouldn’t go in and even in the evenings was just miserable, then in school holidays she was like a totally different girl so happy and carefree. She asked to be home schooled repeatedly and never wanted to go in. When we eventually got to the bottom of it after speaking with both her and the school it turns out that she had basically had a falling out with a couple of girls which had led to all of her friends turning on her (aren’t teen girls lovely!), she was being bullied by a couple of them, nobody was speaking to her in lessons and she was spending lunch break eating alone in the toilets. It is hard, but once her parents and the school were on the same page about what was going on they were able to come up with a plan. She made friends with them all again by the end of that school year and so it is a very good job the family didn’t uproot their lives and careers to homeschool! X

I wouldn't jump straight away to homeschooling.

Try to have a talk with your DD about you know how difficult it is and you want to support her and make a list of things that might help.

At home that might be cuddling the cat or dog or soft toy, or watching a favourite tv programme or doing word searches or crosswords.

Basically have a conversation about trying various things DS to help her calm down and manage her anxiety at home.

You will probably find that she is generally anxious and this will help a bit.

Once she has some strategies she might be able to transfer them to school - eg take soft toy in rucksack, take word search book in for break and or lunch etc.

What sort of support would be expected from school?

Don’t deregister and EHE. Parents often find it easier, although not easy, to get support when DC remain on the school’s roll even if they can’t attend. Crudely, at the minute you are someone’s ‘problem’. If DD can’t attend school the LA has a duty under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 to ensure she receives a suitable, full-time education - are they? Whereas, if you EHE it is easier for professionals to sweep DD’s needs under the carpet and the LA will say you are making suitable alternative arrangements.

Other than the pass what support is the school providing?

Also, you should request an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. An EHCP can result in support DD wouldn’t otherwise receive.

I have been through this a few times with my son.
It's very hard so you have my sympathy.
What have the school put in place to help?
Can you tell you what she is anxious about?
Does she have autism? Just I know school refusal is more common in kids who are autistic. My son is autistic.
Have you spoken to the gp at all?
Can you afford private treatment for her? Cbt may work well?
In the meantime I'd recommend the book helping your child with fears and worries. It gives plans to work through with your child in order to achieve a goal (in your case attending school.)

I agree with trying to find the underlying cause, and also thinking about whether she could be autistic. The book helping your child with fears and worries is NOT an autism friendly approach.

That's interesting that you say that. Can I ask why? It was recommended to us by a child psychologist, before our sons diagnosis but she agreed with us that autism was a strong possibility. The techniques worked brilliantly for our son. ,

@Newuser75 I was recommended to read it by CAMHS while I was on their waiting list. In the introduction it says the techniques are not designed for autistic children. Obviously autistic children are all very different, but for my son, school is a stressful place and he's experienced trauma there for various reasons. In his case, adults need to recognise that there's something wrong in the school environment rather than just keeping making him attend or blaming the parents for "reinforcing" his fears (which I felt that book sometimes did). If it worked for you then that's good but I think there's a growing realisation that anxiety, especially school avoidance, needs to be dealt with in a trauma informed way. Also approaches based on talking are not always the best for autistic children. For my son, managing the environment, increasing his feelings of control, and developing relationships with a couple of key people at school have helped him keep attending.

@SoIRejoined thanks for your answer.
That's interesting. We didn't actually use the book for school refusal but for other anxiety issues he was having which it helped with hugely.
The thing that helped him with the school refusal ultimately was moving schools. Which obviously is not always a possibility.

@Newuser75 can I ask what techniques you found helpful? My son has wider anxiety issues too, so I don't want to be closed minded!

@SoIRejoined of course. So the main problem we had with our son was that he didn't like to be away from us. To the extent that he would get distressed if we were even in another room of the house.
He would come downstairs a million times a night and often need us to sit in with him until he fell asleep.
Using the book we worked out a plan for each situation. Like one to stay in bed, one to go out with a friend/family member etc.
Each plan had many steps that were decided by us as well as our son I.e step one, stay in bed without shouting for three minutes before we check on you. After doing this each day for a week he got a previously agreed reward such as a trip to the beach or bake come cakes or whatever.
Then they were gradually increased until he would stay in bed all night by himself.

He now is almost 11, has done trips away with school, sleepovers with a friend, and has on occasion been left by himself at home for about an hour. I'd never have thought this possible before working our way through the book with the help of the phsychologist. We literally couldn't be away from him at all before hand.!

Don't deregister and Home ed if it doesn't suit your family - that's the nuclear option for when all else fails and you are at the beginning of the journey.

First a GP appointment wither with her or without to discuss her. Then request a blood test to test for a physical reason.

Second, a meeting at school with her pastoral lead and Senco if appropriate. Before hand get your child to draw out their perfect school day and from that work out what is causing the stress and talk to the pastoral lead to work out accomodations. Perhaps it's getting lost / being late / getting changed for PE / having to go in the noisy canteen / going to form in the morning/ using the toilets / loud corridors / being bullied all of which can have accomodations put in place

Third, look into Autism in Girls - she may not be but it is very, very common for autistic girls ( like my DD) to thrive at Primary and then fall apart on starting Secondary. Autistic girls don't present in the same stereotypical ways people assume autistic people to present. The Autistic Girls Network blog is a great place to start or Ambitious Autism for general information. Even if she isnt autistic you may find out some coping strategies that work for her during your research.

Fourth, try a different school, some are better than others.

I helped a boy like your DD few years ago with a similar issues. What worked for him was a consistent face (me) meeting him from the car every morning and going to his first lesson with him.
Then we instigated a reward for getting straight out the car, and after 5 days of that he got a big reward in school.
Then he had to come and meet me by the front door for a reward, then meet me inside, then go to form himself.
It was baby, baby steps, and there were a lot of setbacks, but it worked eventually.

Teacher here: Don't take her off roll - while she is on roll at a school, people other than you have a responsibility.