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Don't want to be the one to deliver bad news

39 replies

Booksarebetterthantv · 03/01/2024 10:57

I seem to have got myself into a difficult situation and would appreciate some honest advice please.

I'm a divorced mum of two.

I met a man, through work not at work. We chatted, flirted a bit. There was chemistry, it was nice. At some stage we had cause to exchange numbers due to a work project. We flirted some more over texts. It went on for a while, slowly, nicely.
Recently it escalated into him writing about what he wanted us to do to each other, that kind of thing and he sent pictures.

The next time we met in person, I asked him directly what his relationship situation was and he told me he was living with a woman but there was nothing between them physically at all.

So, that's a shame. I'm not falling for that. He wasn't single so that is where it stopped. I was disappointed because I'd gotten my hopes up but there we are.

I still see him around work from time to time but we don't really talk and there are no more messages.

I did a little Facebook stalking (I know!). I found his partner.
She has done a lot of posting about how desperately she has wanted to have children. She posted that her partner has chosen to put an end to the baby making thing. She posted that she has made the most difficult decision of her life but has chosen the man she loves over the baby she wants.

So now I feel rubbish. She doesn't deserve this. But I don't want to be the one to tell her. I don't know her.
And if I do tell her he will know it is me and I will still have to see him at work.
Do I take the view that their relationship is none of my business and get on with looking the other way? Or do I give her a heads up that she has maybe made the wrong choice and she has a chance to get out before she regrets it forever?
How do I know that they don't have another wonderful few decades together? I could destroy a relationship for nothing.

What would you do?

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/01/2024 11:00

Tell her, she deserves to know, she could have a happy life instead of this farce.

NotForMeCheers · 03/01/2024 11:01

Because it has the potential to affect your work, I'd stay out of it.

You need your job more than you need a strange woman to know what's been going on.

Besides, a leopard doesn't change its spots so she'll find out soon enough.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 03/01/2024 11:01

I'd do nothing - not my business!

Why is she putting all of this on Facebook for all and sundry to see? Sounds very dramatic.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

HJ40 · 03/01/2024 11:02

She's posted on public Facebook that they've stopped having sex?

The whole thing sounds bonkers.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/01/2024 11:03

That is really difficult. Normally I'd say to tell her but there's an additional complication if you work with him and this could affect you at work.

NotForMeCheers · 03/01/2024 11:04

And I agree with PPs about how dramatic she sounds.

I really wouldn't want to get myself involved in their public drama.

dudsville · 03/01/2024 11:06

If you take the motherhood decision out of the equation then I still think his behaviour is appalling and I would be in favour of dropping her a line.

usedtobeasizeten · 03/01/2024 11:08

Ugh…so much personal info on sm, each to
their own of course. I’d steer well clear of all this tedious drama.

terriblyangryattimes · 03/01/2024 11:08

I would forget about the whole thing and let them get on with their lives. Yes he acted wrongly, an emotional affair perhaps but you were not physical unless I've missed something so really what is there to tell her? Her boyfriend sent you a dick pic. A big van of worms to open and as you say would make your work life hard on top.

wellyesisupposeso · 03/01/2024 11:08

It's very difficult. I understand how you feel.

If it were me, I guess I'd do a kind of halfway house.

Send her an anonymous message. "I don't mean to cause trouble. I am aware that you have made the decision to choose your partner over the chance to have a baby. I have reason to believe your partner isn't as trustworthy as you think he is. I haven't slept with him, and I am no longer in contact with him. I don't want to break up your relationship if you are happy and secure that you have made the right decision. But I don't want you to miss out on your chance to have a baby if that is what you really want. So if you have any doubts at all about your decision, I would urge you to rethink."

It's not ideal but it's the best I could come up. Who knows whether it would work.

What a shit that man is.

Booksarebetterthantv · 03/01/2024 11:09

HJ40 · 03/01/2024 11:02

She's posted on public Facebook that they've stopped having sex?

The whole thing sounds bonkers.

I don't know if that what she means. She wrote that she has suffered a miscarriage and then "my partner has called time on the whole baby making thing".

That could be interpreted in different ways I suppose.

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 03/01/2024 11:10

She posted that her partner has chosen to put an end to the baby making thing. She posted that she has made the most difficult decision of her life but has chosen the man she loves over the baby she wants

She put this on social media?
Or have you read between the lines?

This isn’t something that I would want to be caught up in

LaughterTitsoff · 03/01/2024 11:12

I'd be worried someone who posts all their personal stuff on SM would end up posting about you and naming you, if you contacted her.

Booksarebetterthantv · 03/01/2024 11:13

Gnomegnomegnome · 03/01/2024 11:10

She posted that her partner has chosen to put an end to the baby making thing. She posted that she has made the most difficult decision of her life but has chosen the man she loves over the baby she wants

She put this on social media?
Or have you read between the lines?

This isn’t something that I would want to be caught up in

She posted that on social media. She's in a group of childless women type-thing to support each other. Her posts are public. I have not friended her or anything at all.

OP posts:
RedRobin100 · 03/01/2024 11:13

Flip yeah agree with PPs to just stay out of the drama OP.
you did the right thing ending your contact as soon as you found out so your conscience should be clear.

if you get involved any more next thing you could be pilloried up on FB also - and you own job and reputation at risk.

HJ40 · 03/01/2024 11:13

@Booksarebetterthantv True. I will remove my brain from the gutter.

I think you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ultimately, it isn't any of your business and you do have to still see him, so sadly for her, I think the answer is keep out of it.

Backinthedress · 03/01/2024 11:14

Can you send a message from a fake/anonymous account as if you were someone else at work?

"I've noticed X getting close to someone at work and only just found out he was in a relationship with you. I don't want to jeopardise anyone's job, but felt my duty was to at least let you know that he is not open about his relationship status so that you could be vigilant."

Not ideal, but like you OP, I would struggle not to do something

mikado1 · 03/01/2024 11:14

To play devil's advocate, it's possible that the relationship was on very shaky ground due to the horrible stresses of infertility and all that goes with it. Perhaps at the stage you were messaging they weren't physical as things weren't working out and they were in a bad place (not excusing his behaviour at all) but now they've made a decision to not have a baby maybe they're both going to give their relationship a chance. Just a possibility.

Personally I would stay well out of this one, while also really feeling for this woman. No doubt she had friends and family who are advising her and who know him also. If he's rotten to the core, it will come out.

Booksarebetterthantv · 03/01/2024 11:14

LaughterTitsoff · 03/01/2024 11:12

I'd be worried someone who posts all their personal stuff on SM would end up posting about you and naming you, if you contacted her.

Yes, this is definitely a concern.
I could come out of this looking like a stalker who is trying to break up her happy relationship.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 03/01/2024 11:15

Just stay out of it. Their relationship is their responsibility.

GuinnessBird · 03/01/2024 11:16

Booksarebetterthantv · 03/01/2024 11:14

Yes, this is definitely a concern.
I could come out of this looking like a stalker who is trying to break up her happy relationship.

You already sound like a stalker, stop reading her posts and decide whether you're going to tell her.

I wouldn't as she sounds like a drama llama.

Sodndashitall · 03/01/2024 11:19

Stay out of their relationship. You did the right thing and stopped the thing when you discovered he wasn't single.
You don't know the truth of their relationship and to be honest you should not have done the stalking either.
It's not your business and you don't know what conversations they've had between them and the nature of their relationship.

And just to add if someone from work came out of the blue contacting me about my other half, I'd be pretty angry with their stalking and I'd be raising this at work as inappropriate.

NormaLouiseBates · 03/01/2024 11:20

Blimey, it's cringey enough when people post all their personal stuff on FB, but her profile isn't even private? Woman needs a word with herself!

NormaLouiseBates · 03/01/2024 11:21

Oh and I would absolutely stay out of it. Put them both out of your head and get on with your life.

LightSwerve · 03/01/2024 11:24

Don't get involved.

You have handled this well, with one exception which was the FB stalking - that was not helpful for you, as it has created this moral dilemma where really none existed.

I would correct course and act as though you did not know who his partner is.

You also do not know you are the only person he has recently tried to engage with, or is having an affair with.