Don't want to be the one to deliver bad news

[Booksarebetterthantv]

I seem to have got myself into a difficult situation and would appreciate some honest advice please.

I'm a divorced mum of two.

I met a man, through work not at work. We chatted, flirted a bit. There was chemistry, it was nice. At some stage we had cause to exchange numbers due to a work project. We flirted some more over texts. It went on for a while, slowly, nicely.
Recently it escalated into him writing about what he wanted us to do to each other, that kind of thing and he sent pictures.

The next time we met in person, I asked him directly what his relationship situation was and he told me he was living with a woman but there was nothing between them physically at all.

So, that's a shame. I'm not falling for that. He wasn't single so that is where it stopped. I was disappointed because I'd gotten my hopes up but there we are.

I still see him around work from time to time but we don't really talk and there are no more messages.

I did a little Facebook stalking (I know!). I found his partner.
She has done a lot of posting about how desperately she has wanted to have children. She posted that her partner has chosen to put an end to the baby making thing. She posted that she has made the most difficult decision of her life but has chosen the man she loves over the baby she wants.

So now I feel rubbish. She doesn't deserve this. But I don't want to be the one to tell her. I don't know her.
And if I do tell her he will know it is me and I will still have to see him at work.
Do I take the view that their relationship is none of my business and get on with looking the other way? Or do I give her a heads up that she has maybe made the wrong choice and she has a chance to get out before she regrets it forever?
How do I know that they don't have another wonderful few decades together? I could destroy a relationship for nothing.

What would you do?

Send an anonymous message if you like but I really doubt she'd believe you.

And for what it's worth, I'd say she is posting in a group and doesn't realise that it can be seen publicly. I wouldn't say that sex had stopped just actively TTC

This is good advice, well written. Thank you LightSwerve.

I was feeling so guilty and was thinking how I would feel if I had facing a life without being a mother when I so badly wanted children. It's one thing if you give up that hope for a man who is committed and adores you. But when you are past your childbearing years and the truth comes out? That's awful- and I would want a heads up.

But you are correct. I shouldn't know about her wants or disappointments because I should not have looked her up. I think I wanted to see happy coupley pictures of them so that I could prove to myself I was right to have stopped it. I wanted to prove to myself that he was a liar and bad man so that I could convince myself I had a lucky escape. Because I liked him. I'm such a fool!

Stay out of it.

I think I wanted to see happy coupley pictures of them so that I could prove to myself I was right to have stopped it. I wanted to prove to myself that he was a liar and bad man so that I could convince myself I had a lucky escape. You were right, you behaved very well in ending it as soon as you found out there was someone else.

Because I liked him. I'm such a fool! No, you are just honest, so expect others to be honest. A fool would have fallen for his line. You were just being decent.

Hold your head up, you did nothing wrong. Very disappointing - but better that YOU found out now than in two years' time when you were wondering why he still didn't want to cohabit.

Better luck next time

I'm going to give a view from both sides of this. My ex-h cheated on me with many women. It turned out that a lot of people knew and didn't want to tell me. A few of those people I was really hurt about because I considered them friends. We are divorced now and stuff came out of the woodwork for years after. Really awful for me and impacted on my mental health quite severely. I wish with hindsight somebody had told me.

However, I have a friend who received an anon message about her husband cheating. The whole thing nearly ended with her death and there was a lot of trauma for her and her children. They did come back from it and it was many years ago now and they are happy and settled. He did come clean immediately and it was a one off event.

The problem with this is that you don't know what can of worms you are going to open here. It may be that he's a prolific cheat so it may not necessarily come back to you. But what if it does? What if it impacts on your livelihood? I think in these circumstances I would just leave it. The person who messaged my friend must have known she attempted suicide and was hospitalised. I wouldn't want that on my conscience. Very difficult indeed.

No-one knows if she's really 'giving up her dream of having children' for him.

She's posting about it in public FB groups, so maybe it's because she thinks he'll see it.

It could be that she's being manipulative and if it doesn't work, she'll be off to find someone to have kids with anyway.

Stay out of it but more importantly stop stalking her online. It is so, so creepy that you are doing this.

Who on earth puts something like that on Facebook? Sounds like she is a Grade A attention seeker. You would be very unwise to get involved in her life in any way whatsoever.

You're not going to come out of this very well if you tell her , you probably will come off as a sad stalker or whatever he tries to make you out as .
As you broke off contact a while ago and barely even talk at work now I'd stay well away from them both and say nothing .

I wouldn't for that, no

I did tell someone about her partner but he had been dating me for nearly a year and lied to both of us, in that case I felt I had to tell her

Keep out of it, it's nothing to do with you

Do not do this. He will definitely know it's come from you

If my H was cheating on me, I would want to know. And I do believe more woman should be sticking together and calling men out for the shits they are sometimes.
However, seeing as he hasn't actually cheated, just sent some flirty descriptive messages, and you still have to work with the guy, I would at in this case maybe don't say anything

Tell her so she can move on and find a decent man, who will love her and give her children!

You could ask her not to tell him you’re the source though if it will impact your work.