Insensitive comments by elderly

[cocktailanddreams]

So we've spend Christmas with our loved ones of the elder generation....
what have they said to offend and upset you all?

My 85 year old DM has insulted several peoples appearances, the lunch I prepared gave her heartburn and dismissed the DC teens interests/presents as being unnecessary.

My eyes can stop rolling now its over....

I lost my "old mum" six weeks ago!
What I'd have given to hear her comments this Christmas.
She wasn't always politically correct but that's just the way she was.

A 'light hearted' thread to criticise elderly people?

I'm sure I'll just be as insulting, however that wasnt my point. I was asking for lighthearted insults you were given.

MNetters aren't going to get old and face prejudice and ageism. They're going to be eternally at whatever age they're posting this shite. Still, if they do get old at least threads like this give them an idea of what they have to look forward to and how people are going to talk about them.

There's nothing light-hearted about the above, OP. It's quite vicious.

There's nothing light-hearted about the above, OP. It's quite vicious

Looks like OP takes after her DM, too. I wonder if she thought of that?

Thats all so sad, But true. My parents are becoming really insular and don't care much about our lives any more.

The only thing I rolled my eyes at was an 'uncle' telling us multiple times that 'he'd have given a smack round the ear for that' about our very excited 5 year old being a bit cheeky on Christmas day. Makes it easier for next year when I don't feel obliged to invite him to ours. I've only seen him a few times in the last 20 years so its not like we're close!

My Mam is 70 and says she's fed-up of biting her tongue so she is outright rude sometimes now. Their dog barked as I came through the front gate one day so she popped her head out to see who was coming. "Oh, it's you," she said "I thought it was your sister, how disappointing" then turned her back on me and sloped off in a downcast mood.

I felt like turning around and leaving! Things she might have said in her head before she will now say out loud.

After years of hearing comments about people's skin colour/sexual preferences/physical differences I'm entitled to say I don't agree and dont like what they say.

However Ive learnt to accept that unfortunately that's how they are so I roll my eyes.

I get complimented on how I’ve put on weight. 😭

Well, the people who have rubbed me up the wrong way this festive season are my mum, MiL and FiL and all of them have always been rude, opinionated and outspoken. It's true they have even less of a filtering mechanism now but they were starting from a low point anyway so this isn't really about the aging process for me, but, in the spirit of the thread and letting off some steam after a couple of intense family-focused weeks:

FiL told me that I used to be really attractive and invited me to consider with him, what happened to me to make me so ugly these days.

Mum wouldn't stop going on about my hair being a complete mess and needing cut into a practical short style now that I'm over 40.

MiL wouldn't stop going on about my (lovely) sister and how she used to be so glamourous but is a right ugly sight these days and her husband would be forgiven for straying as she doesn't make much of an effort to look good for him.

MiL and FiL furious that I have a new, and very good job, which will involve some occassional travel throughout the UK (at most 4-5 times per year). I'm irresponsible and flighty and, at my age, should be more focused on staying at home to clean and cook. Mum was happy for me, but surprised that they gave the job to me, with my hair like that.

Dinner was too rich and "not my best effort" (FiL). The house could have done with more of a clean (Mum). There was talk over christmas lunch of all the wonderful men in their family who have been ruined by marrying absolute bitches. This seems to be every single male cousin, brother, nephew etc. Spot the common denominator.

Mum came up to me while I was juggling hot roasting tins and plates - prodded my stomach and gave me a reproachful shake of the head, telling me I'd be even fatter after eating christmas dinner.

Pretty much every woman appearing on TV had their appearance picked over in a very negative way.

DNephew's uni course was totally dismissed. He was so proud of himself for getting in and completing his first term but "we have no interest in that, why are you telling us about it".

I'm actually very pleased to be back at work and in real life mode now.

Entitled to say you don't agree, 100% with you. Entitled to hold them up to ridicule on SM in a 'light hearted' thread? we'll have to disagree on that.

My elderly MIL and two SILs stayed for a week over Christmas.
My MIL was a delight. Very polite and sensitive. My SIL, who's in her 50s, had to comment and criticise practically everything! I do love her but my God I gave a sigh of relief when she left!

My MIL in her 80s told one of my family members that she needs to eat more as she's too skinny.

If it is factual that 'people over age 75 are more likely to do xyz' it isn't stereotyping to say so. It would be stereotyping to assume all older people do it.

It is also important to consider why - but if it is correct that many people exhibit this behaviour with age, it would actually be helpful for this to be widely understood rather than attributing it to personality? Because people might be more tolerant.

I remember my DGM, saying, 'Has that red-headed tart left yet' at a family gathering I still laugh when I think about it. The girl in question really wasn't very nice, but I didn't think GM would have noticed her behaviour (GM sitting quietly by the fire). Sharp as a pin my DGM, long gone now.

Does it not occur to the young that people decades older than them grew up and lived their life in a different world, culture, norms? That an older person has views and opinions that aren't "modern"?

So many of these ‘lighthearted’ threads lately …

I quite enjoyed some of the terrible things my mum used to say in her latter years. They were breathtakingly terrible, but very often true.

Just don't take it too personally, l am sure they do not intend to cause offence. Obviously there are limits, but most older people l come into contact with are thoroughly decent as well as kind.

Yes that's exactly it, my DP admit they are out of touch.
It's a standard joke what topics they'll bring up and a gentle reminder to keep their thoughts in own homes.

We all have stereotypes and threads about 'moody teens' but don't get attacked by ageism comments.

You're not being attacked. People just object to unpleasant stereotypes. Your parents may well be out of touch but that's because of their personality and experience, not their age. I play poker with a guy in his eighties and we discuss politics and current affairs and he knows more about the modern world than I do. People who never worked or retired early and became insular might be out fo touch, sure, but that's because of their choices, not their age.

I think there are several factors here:

1. Dementia and other age related illnesses can change your behaviour. My dad has become aggressive and violent and accuses my mum of sleeping with the carers (in less polite language) when she goes to visit him. It's very hard to cope with especially for my lovely gentle mum but we have to remind ourselves that it's his illness talking. Dementia can also make it difficult to control your behaviour. So even if you know it's wrong you might not be able to stop yourself.

1. I think after a lifetime of censoring their speech some people just don't want to anymore. They don't care anymore what others think of them and so just say whatever they want.

1. What is considered impolite today has very much changed. A lot of racist, sexist or homophobic comments would have been normal and perfectly acceptable to think and say for older generations. That doesn't make it OK but I do think we have to cut them some slack because that's what they grew up with.

1. I also think when people are very tired and in pain they are less able to control what they say or how they behave.

1. Some people are just rude and mean and it's got nothing to do with age.

Yes Dementia is a seperate thing, of course. That applies to some older people (and some middle aged people), but not all. Perhaps this should be a thread to bitch about people with dementia instead.