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Original poster

Am I being unfair by not agreeing to meet up with this guy

42 replies

Lilllypad11 · 02/01/2024 14:40

It’s not a long story. We matched on hinge, the dating app. He immediately rang my phone as I gave him my number. I was still expecting work calls and thought it was my boss, but it was him from hinge going “guess who”. Like, we’re adults let’s not play guess who at 9 pm.

Since then, we had a small exchange of words on message. Not much. Work then got very busy for me and I just wasn’t into him so I stopped replying.

He then texted me again out of the blue, asking me how I am and when I was free to meet up. I said I wasn’t free before Xmas. He then said “well I’m busy with work and ideally I’d like to see you before and after Christmas” so I said “I’m very sorry, but unfortunately that just doesn’t work for me and I’m busy before Christmas and I cannot accommodate you in my already made plans with friends and family” his response was nothing. I then hear from him again before Xmas saying “shall we meet up today” (I always need early notice. Like at least a day) so I said “sorry it’s too short notice I have plans” then I hear nothing the following week “I’m free today if you are” me:”no sorry I’m working till 5 then I’ve got a meeting after work” then “happy Xmas . How was your day” me: “was good. Happy Xmas to you too how are you” him: “I’m free today for a drink” me:”again I can’t meet up with such short notice. I’m only free next Tuesday now. But do let me know a bit before if that’s something you want to do” him - ignored me for nearly a week, texts me today saying “I’m free today tbh”

I find this extremely difficult, on one hand I’d be willing to meet up with him. But I get huge red flags that there’s no willingness to accommodate that I need some time before you just drop plans on me.

Have I been slightly unfair towards this man?

OP posts:
Summerhillsquare · 02/01/2024 14:42

Nope, not even a teency weency bit. Too nice.

craigth162 · 02/01/2024 14:42

He sounds crazy and hes just not listening to you. Block him and do not meet

CharmedCult · 02/01/2024 14:43

The main red flag here is that you’re still replying to his messages. I’d have blocked him several messages ago.

Interested in this thread?

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Dating General relationships
NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 02/01/2024 14:45

He’s a complete stranger , you have never met him or made any promises or undertakings to him. Therefore the concept of “ fair “ doesn’t even come into it.

You’ve already told him you need notice at least 4 times ( or is it 5 ) and he’s ignored that. So you are NOT compatible.

Thats without any speculation as to why he’s only ever free with a few hours notice.

KingsleyBorder · 02/01/2024 14:48

Why haven’t you just said “Sorry, I’m not interested in meeting you”?

Every reply you have sent suggests you would meet if it wasn’t for some logistical obstacle.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/01/2024 14:49

I agree with Kingsley; tell him you aren't interested straight.

Best case scenario he is thick and can't understand your messages. Worst case - he's a nightmare.

GreyCarpet · 02/01/2024 14:51

CharmedCult · 02/01/2024 14:43

The main red flag here is that you’re still replying to his messages. I’d have blocked him several messages ago.

Edited

This.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4973402-to-wonder-what-on-earth-some-mnetters-ever-saw-in-these-men?page=1

Look at this thread and then decide if you're being 'unfair'.

I get huge red flags that there’s no willingness to accommodate that I need some time before you just drop plans on me.

This is exactly the sort of behaviour women need to be aware of in the early stages.

To wonder what on earth some MNetters ever saw in these men? | Mumsnet

I'm not talking about abusive and controlling bullies, who are cunning and well able to hide their true personalities before gaslighting women and sep...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4973402-to-wonder-what-on-earth-some-mnetters-ever-saw-in-these-men?page=1

EauNeu · 02/01/2024 14:51

You are not into him. Why are you still communicating.. a clear message to say you're not taking this any further, all the best, then block. You're not doing either of you any favours by letting him think there's a chance

TomatoSandwiches · 02/01/2024 14:52

You asked him to let you know before today if he was free today... he didn't so tell him you already made plans.
He's not listening to you at all, I would finish it by saying you don't think your communication styles mesh well so you think it's best to not go further.

GreyCarpet · 02/01/2024 14:53

I just wasn’t into him

This si all you need to consider.

Why are you worried about being 'unfair' to a total stranger? Why not be fair to yourself?

Sodndashitall · 02/01/2024 14:55

The red flag here is that he's not listening to you. You were clear on not being free yet he persisted in asking you. That's not something you want in a relationship so I'd just say something like you've decided to go exclusive with someone else. Just to cut hum off

RedHelenB · 02/01/2024 14:56

KingsleyBorder · 02/01/2024 14:48

Why haven’t you just said “Sorry, I’m not interested in meeting you”?

Every reply you have sent suggests you would meet if it wasn’t for some logistical obstacle.

Edited

This.

Surprisenewtcatcher · 02/01/2024 14:59

No. No No No No.

Nov902 · 02/01/2024 15:01

You’re obviously not compatible! You need days of notice (which you’ve told him) and he doesn’t listen.
I would have lost patience with this now & started to ignore him. Also dating/meeting up shouldn’t be this difficult to arrange. I would take this as a ‘not meant to be’ sign!

Original poster
Lilllypad11 · 02/01/2024 15:01

Surprisenewtcatcher · 02/01/2024 14:59

No. No No No No.

You think it’s a red flag too

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 02/01/2024 15:03

Just block him he isn’t listening to you his behaviour is off

he won’t listen to I’m not interested

Surprisenewtcatcher · 02/01/2024 15:06

Lilllypad11 · 02/01/2024 15:01

You think it’s a red flag too

Show quote history

I do. Sorry if I wasn't clear. He is pushing and pushing. You owe him nothing and he's already trying to override your wishes. It will be harder to say no to him in so say no now. This guy is bad news.

HRTQueen · 02/01/2024 15:07

Or if you feel better in doing so send message I’m just not interested best of luck

then block

GreyCarpet · 02/01/2024 15:08

Why are you hesitating, Lilllypad11?

Why do you think you're being unfair?

Feelingslightlyuneasy · 02/01/2024 15:09

This guy will already be in a relationship - that’s why he seems to only be able to make plans on the actual day.

Its also really disrespectful to not consider you enough to make advance plans

Whatineed · 02/01/2024 15:11

Lilllypad11 · 02/01/2024 14:40

It’s not a long story. We matched on hinge, the dating app. He immediately rang my phone as I gave him my number. I was still expecting work calls and thought it was my boss, but it was him from hinge going “guess who”. Like, we’re adults let’s not play guess who at 9 pm.

Since then, we had a small exchange of words on message. Not much. Work then got very busy for me and I just wasn’t into him so I stopped replying.

He then texted me again out of the blue, asking me how I am and when I was free to meet up. I said I wasn’t free before Xmas. He then said “well I’m busy with work and ideally I’d like to see you before and after Christmas” so I said “I’m very sorry, but unfortunately that just doesn’t work for me and I’m busy before Christmas and I cannot accommodate you in my already made plans with friends and family” his response was nothing. I then hear from him again before Xmas saying “shall we meet up today” (I always need early notice. Like at least a day) so I said “sorry it’s too short notice I have plans” then I hear nothing the following week “I’m free today if you are” me:”no sorry I’m working till 5 then I’ve got a meeting after work” then “happy Xmas . How was your day” me: “was good. Happy Xmas to you too how are you” him: “I’m free today for a drink” me:”again I can’t meet up with such short notice. I’m only free next Tuesday now. But do let me know a bit before if that’s something you want to do” him - ignored me for nearly a week, texts me today saying “I’m free today tbh”

I find this extremely difficult, on one hand I’d be willing to meet up with him. But I get huge red flags that there’s no willingness to accommodate that I need some time before you just drop plans on me.

Have I been slightly unfair towards this man?

If you've made it clear that you need more warning to meet, and he's still doing this, he's simply not listening is he?

I'd move on personally. It's so frustrating being in a relationship where your partner really doesn't listen.

wutheringkites · 02/01/2024 15:11

I just wasn’t into him

This is the only relevant point. Why are you talking to him and considering meeting up if you're not into him? Grow up and tell him you're not interested.

ChaToilLeam · 02/01/2024 15:14

Tell him you are not interested in meeting up. Block, and forget. Why is this so hard? He clearly doesn’t understand or care what you have said. That’s not a man you should meet.

GreyCarpet · 02/01/2024 15:18

I find this extremely difficult, on one hand I’d be willing to meet up with him. But I get huge red flags that there’s no willingness to accommodate that I need some time before you just drop plans on me

And why would you be 'willing' to meet up with a man you're not interested in anyway?

This is how women end up in relationships with crap men!

The sort of men who ignore you amd your boundaries at this stage (before you've even met) are not going to get any better.

What if he suggests a second date? Would you agree to it so as not to hurt his feelings? Exactly how long would you be prepared to entertain dating him for?

Olika · 02/01/2024 15:23

You need to end this pointless communication. Just tell him you are not interested and that's it. And anyway this guy sounds odd.

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