My sister wants to go no contact with parents

[Havanawinter]

Apologies in advance if his becomes a long brain dump, but my head is all over the place and I don’t know what to do.

My sister is a very tricky character; she is aggressive, a pessimist, a perpetual victim and just seems angry at the world. She also has many great qualities and we have a solid sibling relationship. However, she has real grievances with my parents stemming from our childhood. My dad was one of 7 boys and his mum always made it clear he should have been the daughter she longed for. He never received love as a child. He can be controlling over my mum and his personality is what I would describe as a mood hoover; when he’s having a bad day we all felt it and walked on eggshells. My mum was abandoned by her dad when she was 15 and her mum favoured my aunt. I think it’s fair to say she has classic “daddy issues” and that’s why she has put up with our dad for so long.

Our childhood was tricky. We wanted for nothing but our parents both struggle to show us love and we grew up knowing we lived in their house, it was their life and we lived in it, etc. Now I’m a parent myself I understand my parents a lot more and am desperately trying to break the cycle when raising my own children. My parents are truly wonderful grandparents (way better than they were parents) and I have forgiven the mistakes they made when we were kids because I recognise they were doing their best.

My sister however cannot and she recently confided in me that she intends to go no contact with my parents. She hasn’t said when but she’s currently buying a house using deposit money gifted by them and I doubt she’d risk that by going NC now.

I’m finding the burden of this hard to bear. I want to warn my parents because they will be heartbroken by this and also to give them a chance to try and fix things. But I’m also not willing to break my sisters trust. I have always been the go-between when they (frequently) fall out and I hate it. I’m the youngest in the family and have children of my own to worry about, and all this is affecting my mental health. If my parents find out I knew they will be furious with me. I lose either way and part of my family will be wrecked.

Truly, what do I do?

You let your sister do what she wants.

As your parents will have her address then and only if she carries what she threatens you then tell your parents the truth without going onto details.

You then stop being the go between.

You tell dsis her decision is hers. You won't be taking sides. Agree your dps will never be mentioned in your meet ups. And of course you don't tell your dps in advance.. If they ask you if you knew you say yes but you aren't taking sides and agree dsis won't be mentioned in your meet ups.

It’s your sisters choice what she does but she obviously has pretty low morals if she’s taking money off them to buy a house but hen want to go no contact.

you need to stop being the go between too.

spot on about the money.
so they are good enough to take their money but not good enough to meet up occasionally. Double standards. I would tell her this actually.

I don't think you can take matters out of her hands without potentially making it all worse.
But that doesn't mean you have to be complicit by silence.
Personally I'd make it clear that her staying in contact long enough to get their cash is pretty despicable and that her confiding in you had put you in a very difficult position because she is basically forcing you to keep a secret you don't want to keep.
You can say that whilst you understand she is hurt and carrying the scars of their parenting, they were also likewise damaged and doing their, admittedly terrible at the time, best.
So whilst she in entitled to her view and you respect that, you have arrived at a different conclusion to her - that they are damaged people (like you and her) who you are willing to allow to improve and attempt to make amends given you are seeing them try to do so, as they are bringing a better version of themselves to their grandparent role. As such you don't believe the harm they caused was malicious so much as they were ill equipped to be parents, but they are living and learning and you think damaged humans can earn the chance to try again if they genuinely are trying, and succeeding, to do better.
You don't condone the underhand way she is going about this and you object to being put into a position of split loyalties.

I don't think there is much you can do other than make your position and feelings on the matter clear and tell her not to involve you any further.

You say nothing at all.
Your parents can't fix this it's too late now and telling them so that they can try would be an unbelievably cruel headfuck to your sister.
Also if your parents don't know how shit they were as parent's and that they need to be told to "fix it" then they won't have the emotional maturity to accept that they were so shit

I wouldn’t worry about it until when/if she actually goes NC.
She might change her mind or feel she can’t go through with it and you would have been worrying about nothing.

Well that's her decision.

Well that's her decision. Nobody can say that it is wrong.
You need to be clear with her and your parents that you will not discuss it. You will not pass on messages. You will not be involved

Stay out of it.

This is your sister's drama, not yours .

Anyway, maybe she's all talk and it won't actually happen.

Stay out of it.

@ArchetypalBusyMum you write beautifully and your words made me feel so emotional. Thank you.

The thing is I do respect her decision to go NC. We really didn’t have an easy time and you get one life, she should live it however she wants to. This post wasn’t so much about getting her to change her mind (she wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t try anyway) but more how to navigate a situation like this. I’m not confrontational and can be a people pleaser so having this level of conflict on the horizon feels totally overwhelming.

I should stop being the go between and I have been more firm with that recently, but old habits die hard and I can only see me falling back into that role if/when the NC begins.

It’s all such a mess. I believe both sides love each other and would hugely benefit from family therapy but they’re all too stubborn to do anything like that.

It's her decision but it is pretty despicable that she's accepting a house deposit from them in these circumstances.

If she truly wants nothing to do with them, fine, but she shouldn't be accepting handouts from them. That would make me view her in a very bad light.

Good for her.

This with bells on.

I find something about taking money off people then booting them out of your life to be faintly repugnant. Personally, if it was my sibling I wouldn't be able to look at them in the same light if they did that - and I'd probably tell them so.

Your parents made mistakes (not the best phrasing but can't think of a better one) and it's up to your sister if she wants to go NC. But you shouldn't get involved other than to possibly call her out on her shocking morals.

I've been in a similar position to you and your childhood and family dynamics sound very similar to mine too. But the best thing I ever did was to stop being the peacemaker and go between between my sister and my parents. It wasn't really helping them - just plastering the cracks in their relationship and it was exhausting and troubling for me.

Maybe dsis sees the money as owed for a rubbish childhood? My dm was diabolical but I accept money at Christmas.. It sees my dc having a better one and allows dm to feel she can help me now even if she didn't back then.

@Havanawinter thank you.
I agree with pp. You need to, state it out loud to both parties if you have to, declare you won't be a middle man for their relationship. Tell them it's too much to expect and puts you in a very difficult position being a go between, not to mention how stressful it is, and you will no longer do it. That they will need to conduct their relationship directly in future.

Keep saying it to yourself, the more you say it, the more you'll start to believe it, and the more likely you are to stick to your guns - change is difficult, so you'll have to work for it - it will be worth it.

Good luck!

@ArchetypalBusyMum has nailed it.

You need to separate yourself from this situation but your sister's act is appalling.

Your parents are of a different generation. Whilst that's not an excuse, it's a reminder of a different social ethos .

Sympathy. Tell your sister she's not to mention you when she goes NC.

(And review how close you are with someone who can behave in such a callous manner. You might be happier being less close with her tbh. That doesn't have to mean NC but certainly less entangled.)

Your sister is going no contact with abusive parents she regularly falls out with. It sounds like she's doing the right thing for herself to be honest

Perhaps the parents think she's a shit daughter..
Honestly they are well rid of her if she thinks like this.

What is she teaching her own children by going no contact.
Would she be happy for her kids to do.it to her.

Is she perfect?

What do you do? You stop being the go between. You deny all knowledge if anyone says anything about you knowing in advance. You mind your own business, don't pre warn your parents and ignore the house deposit.

For a start, your sister might change her mind and then you've told them and all hell breaks loose, there'd be no winners in that situation and you could end up with all your family not speaking to you ever again.

Secondly, if there's to be any inheritance, it's unlikely to be coming to your sister if she goes no contact with them. So stop viewing the house deposit as her ripping them off and judging her for it. Start viewing it from the perspective that it's probably a drop in the ocean compared wi what you'll inherit. Your sister maybe sees it as partial compensation for a shite childhood (there really is no amount of money that could ever make up for that)

Also worth noting that just because you grew up in the same family doesn't mean you had the same experience or were affected in the same way.

My sibling and I are close in age. Speaking to them, they said to hear me talk about my experience and the impact it's had, it's as if we grew up in different families.

Your sister and your parents still have fallings out. You're a self confessed people pleaser. That's probably why you don't fall out with them. Your sister is likely trying to be her true self and they're having none of it. The damage they inflicted isn't in the past for her, it's ongoing.

If she's a shit daughter it's because she was raised by shit parents. Dragging up your kids doesn't entitle you to a relationship with them. She'll be teaching her children that you don't have to put up with abuse and arguments even if someone is so called family

Your sister is basically taking money and then planning to cut out the donors?
No matter that you were both poorly parented; you clearly have managed to reconcile your past and walk the tricky path between understanding why your DPs were the way they were, and sadness about lack of demonstrated affection. Not easy, so youshould be really proud of yourself.
On the other hand, your sister has not let this go. However, her plan to take their money and go NC is morally bankrupt. Putting you in the middle of this is also appalling.
Tell her you will not be her go-between