My sister wants to go no contact with parents

[Havanawinter]

Apologies in advance if his becomes a long brain dump, but my head is all over the place and I don’t know what to do.

My sister is a very tricky character; she is aggressive, a pessimist, a perpetual victim and just seems angry at the world. She also has many great qualities and we have a solid sibling relationship. However, she has real grievances with my parents stemming from our childhood. My dad was one of 7 boys and his mum always made it clear he should have been the daughter she longed for. He never received love as a child. He can be controlling over my mum and his personality is what I would describe as a mood hoover; when he’s having a bad day we all felt it and walked on eggshells. My mum was abandoned by her dad when she was 15 and her mum favoured my aunt. I think it’s fair to say she has classic “daddy issues” and that’s why she has put up with our dad for so long.

Our childhood was tricky. We wanted for nothing but our parents both struggle to show us love and we grew up knowing we lived in their house, it was their life and we lived in it, etc. Now I’m a parent myself I understand my parents a lot more and am desperately trying to break the cycle when raising my own children. My parents are truly wonderful grandparents (way better than they were parents) and I have forgiven the mistakes they made when we were kids because I recognise they were doing their best.

My sister however cannot and she recently confided in me that she intends to go no contact with my parents. She hasn’t said when but she’s currently buying a house using deposit money gifted by them and I doubt she’d risk that by going NC now.

I’m finding the burden of this hard to bear. I want to warn my parents because they will be heartbroken by this and also to give them a chance to try and fix things. But I’m also not willing to break my sisters trust. I have always been the go-between when they (frequently) fall out and I hate it. I’m the youngest in the family and have children of my own to worry about, and all this is affecting my mental health. If my parents find out I knew they will be furious with me. I lose either way and part of my family will be wrecked.

Truly, what do I do?

Your sister is trying to heal. Going no contact may be the best thing for her as she is clearly suffering. You need to look at your own role in the dysfunctional family system. You sound like the family cheerleader or fixer. There is normally a child in the family who takes on the role of trying to make it all ok. Don’t deny your sisters pain and how bad it was and still is for her. Patrick teahan on YouTube is worth a look re the roles that children take on in dysfunctional families.

Does your sister appreciate that your parents are products of their own difficult childhoods, but did the best they could considering? Expecting them, retrospectively, to have been different people, is both ridiculous and a thought experiment that leads nowhere, other than unproductive ruminations and bitterness. Your sister, being more aware than they were, has a choice over whether to perpetuate the cycle or break it. There is no evidence of an existing rift in your post, just resentment about the past. She therefore has everything to gain and nothing to lose from trying to establish an adult relationship with them. She needs to have realistic expectations, but it’s very likely that, with patience, a meaningful improvement is possible. But she has to be willing to make that choice with an open heart. It doesn’t sound like she is.

She can break the cycle with her own children. It's a bs excuse to blame the parents behaviour on their own childhood, they had a choice in how they parented and they caused enough damage for their child to want to go no contact. Why should she try to forge an adult relationship with them? They don't get on now, her childhood was horrible because of them and now she gets to have a fresh start, good for her!

She can go NC but do not get involved. But I would be telling her I totally disapprove of her taking money from them. People will write about transactional relationships and why you can’t buy love and you really can’t but it’s dishonest.

People underestimate the effect of childhood trauma. What you have done is mature and shows how you have dealt with your childhood issues. It is however a legitimate choice of hers to go NC if that is want she wants. But tell her you will not give details of your parents to her if she does. Stop being a go between.

OP, I’m interested to know how this ended up? What did you do?
I have a similar situation with my sister who seems to be fuelled by bitterness about our childhood and I don’t enjoy going along with her version of events in order to keep the peace.