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Original poster

Does your husband play with and chat to your children?

43 replies

HoHoHolyCrap · 01/01/2024 17:22

This sounds like such an odd question, but mine doesn’t

He will happily do the ‘taking care of them’ like providing them meals, bathing and dressing them, taking them where they need to be etc, but ALL of the play and the chat and the affection comes from me

And I am fucking drained

I am literally slept on, sat on or touched all day long, talked to (or more at) from before my eyes even open in the morning until they close at night…and then sometimes in the middle of the night to
My back is in bits and crunches and cracks all day long from the crazy contortions I have to sleep in because they all get in bed (but never on DHs side) and sit on me all day long no matter if there is room or not and the amount of time I spend sat on the floor
I want to actually cry sometimes when they say my name for the 373253734th time that day and they will not be redirected to him no matter how much I try

I have begged - begged DH to play with them, read, paint, do a jigsaw, bake, anything with them, but just … nothing!

Do other husbands realistically do this or are my expectations off?

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 01/01/2024 17:24

They always come to me, I say ask your dad, I am not the only parent here🤷🏻 I get it OP

bossybloss · 01/01/2024 17:25

My daughter is in her twenties now but my OH was very very hands on. Consequently they have a very good relationship now.I think if he wants this in the future, you need to tell him how important it is.

Parker231 · 01/01/2024 17:28

DH will build Lego, go on bike rides, play very long complicated board games etc - whatever interests the DC’s.

If your DC’s come into your bed (this wasn’t the norm in our house), move them onto DH’s side of the bed.
What does your DH do with the children when you’re out of the house?

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Winnipeggy · 01/01/2024 17:29

My husband is the more playful one in our relationship. Don't get me wrong he doesn't always pull his weight but is silly by nature so will play and talk with our DD a lot. She's not really clingy though so I really feel for you, it sounds like you need to have a convo with your DH to say you're at breaking point and need help.

Chickpea17 · 01/01/2024 17:30

No my husband plays with our daughter all the time when he's back in the country from work. He also takes her out for the day when she not at school. They love doing techno Lego, swimming and Play-Doh.

ItsMyPartyParty · 01/01/2024 17:31

Yes but different. Lots of rough housing play (they love it), will sit and build, maybe colouring. Won’t do roleplay type play (can’t blame him really). Will attempt to get them on his side of the bed in the night but they normally freak out wanting me!

BurbageBrook · 01/01/2024 17:32

Ours is just a baby, but yes, he plays with her and talks to her all the time. Sounds tough.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/01/2024 17:33

My DH is better at playing than I am. He makes forts, plays cars, builds Lego, etc. I’m better with crafty bits and organising days out.

Your DH needs to up his game. Sharing the parenting load of meals, cleaning, bedtimes and the like is only part of parenting. Showing them love and affection and playing with them is part of it too and a really important part.

Curlewwoohoo · 01/01/2024 17:35

Yes. Dh had to work on it with our eldest. We had a bit of a breakthrough when he got a 'you choose' book that was for him and Dd (not me). And then invented a game with playmobil what was just theirs, Dd called it chatty dads. Thinks with younger ds have evolved more naturally.

Leavingonapetjlane · 01/01/2024 17:36

My DH is the fun one - he'll do play fighting, build dens, do lego has endless patience for role play games with the children's toy figures. But if they want anything - drink, snack, toilet, questions answered, snuggles, waking up in the night they always come to me. I do play with them too - but I prefer drawing, reading books together or doing a board game, rather than pretend play. I do tell them "ask Daddy" when I hear "Mummmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee" for the millionth time.

Newyearnewusername2024 · 01/01/2024 17:38

This is really strange. My DH plays with our kids and talks to them. As so all the DH's I know!

And there is now research to support that it is more beneficial for play to come from father than the mother.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/01/2024 17:38

Of course your expectations aren't off. He needs to step up.

DS has just turned 1 and DH plays with him, he's better at it than I am.

BurbageBrook · 01/01/2024 17:39

Thinking again, if he NEVER plays or chats to them, that sounds really like emotional neglect to me. Surely he must know how? Even just by copying what you do.

Whyyoulyingfor · 01/01/2024 17:39

Surely your expectations are just fine! You are not the issue. Unfortunately many men are celebrated for doing the absolute bare minimum or congratulated for “helping” when it should be 50/50. No wonder you are burnt out.

PuttingDownRoots · 01/01/2024 17:41

DH is currently helping DDs paint models.

As he's away with work a lot (Army) we've put real effort into me not being seen as default parent and him fun parent.

janfebmarchapril · 01/01/2024 17:43

My husband is the more playful one 100%

Newyearnewusername2024 · 01/01/2024 17:44

Also it just occured to me, does he not play as he bathes them, or feeds them etc? A lot of our play isn't necessarily dedicated playtime (although we do this as much as we can, life is busy so it's not all fun) we have to build it in to our "chores" like playing at bath time or reading at bedtime or turning something mundane into a little game or having a tickle when watching a movie ?

User1775 · 01/01/2024 17:46

DH was always better at playing than me, I was better at motivation/organisation/activities like baking etc. He is still the fun one - DD18 and DS20 love coming on holiday with us and they play beach games/cards and travel board games. He has a very good relationship with them and also his nieces and nephews who call him "fun Uncle" and always bring a wide array of toys to show off to him. Your DH is not building the strong bonds needed to cope when the teenage hormones hit!

Therollinghills · 01/01/2024 17:46

My exP is like this, mealtimes he was silent, car journeys silent, some outings he would trudge along behind us on his phone leaving all the pointing stuff out, chit chat, general socialising with DD to me. He always felt like a guest in our shared home. He did practical stuff like bath time but he just never really engages her unless she initiates it. In my case he was just not a chatty or energetic/enthusiastic person, he didn't really speak to me either but it took having a child for this to really come into sharp focus for me unfortunately. I do sympathise because it made me feel so stressed being the only constant source of chat and engagement for DD and it felt really false and OTT at times as I tried to make up for the silence coming from her dad.

AliasGrape · 01/01/2024 18:00

Yes, DH is brilliant with DD and my family always comment on it like he’s some kind of miracle which is quite sad really that they find it so unusual! DD is hugely into the little orchard games, plus a frozen board game she got for Christmas and also hungry hippos - he’ll play those with her endlessly, build with magnetic blocks and also does lots of dancing/ swinging her round/ being a climbing frame etc.

He has less patience with the child led stuff that she comes up with herself, like ‘I’m a unicorn and you’re the sister, you say this, no not like that, no don’t stand there ….’ etc. But I’m with him there to be honest! He’s not as big on reading books with her, though like a PP they have a whole ‘you choose’ thing going on. And he can’t deal with any kind of messy play, paint, craft, getting all muddy etc. He does every bath time though and I always hear her shrieking with laughter so there’s obviously some fun games going on there.

He could chat and play with her all day long though and I’d STILL hear muuuumyyyyyy 600 times a day and it’s still me she will ask first every single time. I think it’s just about hours we both work and that I’m the one that’s around more - but it’s still the case even when we’re both off/ here constantly like the last two weeks.

TheBirdintheCave · 01/01/2024 18:00

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/01/2024 17:33

My DH is better at playing than I am. He makes forts, plays cars, builds Lego, etc. I’m better with crafty bits and organising days out.

Your DH needs to up his game. Sharing the parenting load of meals, cleaning, bedtimes and the like is only part of parenting. Showing them love and affection and playing with them is part of it too and a really important part.

Edited

Yeah this is us. I am so rubbish at playtime unless it's board games or crafting. Husband has endless patience for train tracks and building and pretend.

jellybe · 01/01/2024 18:33

Mine does. I work shifts so there are days when they don't see me for more than half an hour and he does everything with them including playing etc.

Bdaybdilemma · 01/01/2024 18:37

Yes he does. And works and cooks and cleans. Expect better for yourself!

WhichIsItWendy · 01/01/2024 18:37

So there's a definite favouritism in our house for me rather than dad. All comfort is by me so they will always choose to sit with me etc. I do most of the nurturing and day to day play but my husband does more of the sporty, active, gaming play. So he has his own way which means he probably does 25% of the fun stuff.

My husband only really does the play he likes with them. He won't put himself out of his comfort zone. But when they find something they all enjoy, it's really lovely. This is definitely increasing as they get older.

eardefender · 01/01/2024 18:54

I am playful, affectionate and do stuff with my kids but DH does a lot more with them. I have my limits and find the play and chat boring and repetitive after a short time. Dh has lots more patience and fun with them. We never bed shared as we both value our sleep and a bit of piece. You are a person op and not a climbing frame or a kids entertainer. Don’t feel bad about being ruthless with them sometimes about your own space and headspace.