Does your husband play with and chat to your children?

[HoHoHolyCrap]

This sounds like such an odd question, but mine doesn’t

He will happily do the ‘taking care of them’ like providing them meals, bathing and dressing them, taking them where they need to be etc, but ALL of the play and the chat and the affection comes from me

And I am fucking drained

I am literally slept on, sat on or touched all day long, talked to (or more at) from before my eyes even open in the morning until they close at night…and then sometimes in the middle of the night to
My back is in bits and crunches and cracks all day long from the crazy contortions I have to sleep in because they all get in bed (but never on DHs side) and sit on me all day long no matter if there is room or not and the amount of time I spend sat on the floor
I want to actually cry sometimes when they say my name for the 373253734th time that day and they will not be redirected to him no matter how much I try

I have begged - begged DH to play with them, read, paint, do a jigsaw, bake, anything with them, but just … nothing!

Do other husbands realistically do this or are my expectations off?

ill Prob get slated and. I know it’s totally PA but I don’t have a better solution for you than narration which while it’s annoying as fuck actually works well / delivers results for me.

my DH does a lot of play and make believe now.
But the will was there…
i think he wanted to but didn’t really know how and he thought it was embarrassing and awkward to begin with but now he knows how to do it he finds it easier.

basically for simple needs I either say “go see daddy” or redirect them to daddy “daddy is next to x, he will help”
he then becomes the target for harassment.

For activities I narrate my unavailability, daddy’s availability and give some guidance on the task.

”mummy is loading the dishwasher. daddy will open the cupboard and get the playdoh. What shapes will you make? I bet daddy can make a snail!!!”

”mummy is busy handling uncooked chicken. Daddy will colour with you won’t you daddy? Remember to say “please daddy’ what fun shapes will you draw? “

DH was always a fab hands on Dad and would play with the boys, anything from football in the garden to lego or toy cars. He was even a stay at home Dad for a while in between jobs. They are now 24 and 19 and he has a great relationship with them, playing ball in the pool and on the beach on holiday, games of Cards against Humanity or Poker etc. But it was alwaya Mummy they shouted first and even now, they still phone me first when they need something even if I tell them to call Dad 🤣

My dad never interacted with us. You know who I go to with a problem? Not him! Always mum. You know who I go to when I have good news? Mum. You know who is basically my best friend and who I hang out with all the time? Mum.

I really hope that in the future your sacrifice will pay off and be rewarded with beautiful relationships with your kids.

This is utterly shocking.
Total abdication of parental responsibility on his part.
Why do you let him get away with such neglect?

I've got a 15 month old who does seem to want me more but if I need some space or to get on with something my DH will always get on the floor and play or the usual swinging him around in that heart in the throat manner😆 I too suffer with my back so DH does do alot of the picking up if I'm in a flare up. You need to tell your DH how you're feeling because resentment is going to creep in otherwise

My DH is quite good at building lego etc with them but I've noticed that he doesn't chat to them anywhere near as much as I do. It's more instructions and directions than idle conversation. I've noticed that if I don't make conversation at the dinner table, they'd sit in silence.

Yes, more than me. However - I sort of have to give him a nudge as to what to play, ie make a suggestion of stories/games. He’s just not very imaginative although one I’ve suggested something he will sit and play it with them for ages.

My kids are adults now. I was always the fun one and the one who did most of the caring. My DH worked a lot too. He always prioritised doing things with the kids when he was home but he wasn't great at 'playing'. He could do sports and could read to them but he was never great at listening to them and interacting with them. He was bought up in a household that wasn't as much 'fun' as mine and where kids were loved but slightly ignored. Retrospectively I think he should have tried harder and I think I should have made him try harder.
My kids are in their 20s and 30s and while they love their Dad I'm still the one they turn to for everything and I'm the one they want to hang out with. He's a bit of an outsider. It's a shame.
I think having fun together is massively important.

Not only is it not normal for your DH to be so involved, it's also not normal to be so beaten down there's a part of you that thinks it's ok.

My twins will sit on me, eat off my plate, lie on me on bed, demand I hold both of them on the scooter all whilst Dad stands there. It drives me potty. But it isn't because he doesn't try. It doesn't mean that later he won't have one and read to them or play with the big one. It doesn't mean of I go away for a weekend they're emotionally neglected!

He doesn't care about their needs, or yours .

I've definitely done more of that than my DH. Firstly he works very long hours, secondly, he's just not a natural when it comes to playing with small children.
However, he's always been very involved. He likes to do sporty stuff with them or take them out. They're older now but if ever I needed a break when they were little he'd take them out fit several hours.

I hate to say it but my husband is like this too. He rarely has an actual conversation with the kids and never initiates any kind of play with them although will play with them if I suggest something or will play with the youngest if I'm out somewhere and he asks him to.

I find it baffling and we have had many discussions about it. I've actually just ordered a few parenting books that I've asked him to read.

Bath time was bonding time for DH and baby DS. DH then pretty much did all bath times as DS got older and they used to have long chats during this time. Also used to talk maths a lot! Used to be the time DS would raise any worries

Is he their dad?! If he is, then why on earth isn't he playing with them?!

XH was a nightmare in many ways, but he would bake/Lego/jigsaw/small world/read with the children when they were little without any prompting from me. He was their dad.

Maybe remind him just how vital play is to developing children's brains.

Yes my DH is wonderful at playing and talking and engaging with the kids - more so than the boring domestic stuff unless asked, but he’s a wonderful playful and loving dad. Im sorry your children aren’t getting that experience. I wonder if he wasn’t engaged with like that himself as a child so he doesn’t know how to do it. I know it’s a random suggestion but have you watched bluey? I feel like that gives some lovely examples of ways to play and engage with kids; the dad in bluey is always playing, it makes me feel bad sometimes because I don’t feel I live up to bluey levels of fun!

I think DH and I did different things - also
connections were better different ages . We have one DS and DH did sports type things (watching, playing) when DS was older but I was the one who did craft, role play and school stuff . He worked a lot longer hours and shifts though and I was always around before and after school and during school holidays . As adults they are good friends but DS is very aware of our different roles .

That's interesting; can you link/direct me where to find this research, please?

Can you imagine asking the question whether mothers play and chat with their children? It would sound bonkers. It sounds equally as bonkers saying it about a father.

He engages with them loads, we have different styles and he is more practical. He does sports, takes them to the park and the woods and takes them cycling.
If they are playing with a toy and go up to him with it, he will join in briefly, but its not something that comes naturally to him.
It was harder for him to 'play' when they were toddlers and he did take more of a caregiver role because he wanted to spend time with them, he did most of the baths, cooking for them and taking them to nursery. Now they are a bit older it's easier, he can do board games and likes reading stories