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Original poster

Explaining to children parent can't come back home

36 replies

lucozadeaddict1988 · 01/01/2024 12:29

Please please be nice I've had a very traumatic Christmas.
Police are involved and as such children's father can not currently come near me or them or the house.

My girls are 4 and 9.
Up until today the eldest hasn't mentioned her dad, but today said "when he comes back...."
Now they both know what happened, saw what happened and knows the police were involved.

Up until that comment off my eldest I thought she knew the severity of the situation and knew he wouldn't be back. All his stuffs been taken from the house by his family and the girls know he's staying at his mum's house.

How can I explain, without destroying my children, that he won't be back in this house.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 01/01/2024 12:35

I'm very sorry you're in this position - it's hard to comment on what to say without knowing what the incident was but I presume threats or violence towards you?

If so, maybe sit them down and tell them you have something important you need to say and explain that when a person hurts or threatens another one, that is never acceptable and even if they love or have loved each other, it is not safe for the person who did that to live with them, as it won't get any better. All of this is making you very sad, but it had to be done and you wanted to set them the example that what happened is never acceptable.

Are you expecting he will be allowed some contact with them? If so explain that they will see him over time but you need to make special arrangements first and that may take time.

Echobelly · 01/01/2024 12:37

Basically the main thing is to be prepared to answer any of their questions to the best of your ability, and sometimes that may be 'I don't know' - I'm sure it will hurt them to hear, but uncertainty or trying to shield them from it will also cause upset, so best to be as upfront as you can face.

Good luck, and I hope things improve from here.

VisionsOfSplendour · 01/01/2024 12:42

There was a very moving interview on the radio recently with a woman in the same situation,I dont know if it was because she'd maybe written a book, sorry I can't remember the exact details as it might have helped you to hear it

I hope you can find a way

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Families
Soontobe60 · 01/01/2024 12:42

I would go down the ‘daddy might not be able to come home’ route rather than an outright - ‘he’s never coming home’. You’re then gently introducing the idea that his situation may well be permanent. Please make sure they know when she goes back to school - school may well be able to arrange support for her. If its for DV, in my area the local Woman’s Refuge arranges counselling sessions for children in DV situations, they're very helpful.

MargaretThursday · 01/01/2024 12:43

I would start preparing the ground by saying he can't come back at the moment. If they ask if you know when, then say you don't know and it's up to the police.

That was you're preparing them for him not coming back, and also putting the blame on the police so they don't think it's you stopping him.

So give them time to process this.

Then when things are settled, then you can talk about it on a more permanent basis.
But also be aware that anything said to the older will probably be passed down to the younger with her own take on it, so probably best to talk to them at the same time as much as possible (speaking as a younger sibling).

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 01/01/2024 12:50

I would say to them that because of what happened he won't be living with you again, there may be good advice from orgs like women's aid as to wording. I wouldn't make any other promises either, as tough as it is, you need to work with statutory agencies etc and decisions will be made eg as to them seeing him

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/01/2024 12:51

I’m sorry this sounds very hard. I think you probably have to be honest but in simple terms and that lets them process how they feel. I would probably bring up what happened and what they saw and let they talk about how they felt and then talk about how what daddy did was wrong, it wasn’t keeping you and them safe, it hurt mummy and now it’s not safe for mummy and daddy to live together. It’s sad but Daddy still loves them, Daddy is in trouble so he might not be able to see them for a while. When they do see Daddy it will be without Mummy and at Grandma’s house. It’s okay to feel sad about this, Mummy feels sad too, and you’re there to talk to them if they need to. It might not all be one conversation.

There is some advice here about talking to children about domestic abuse: https://www.norfolk.gov.uk/-/media/norfolk/downloads/safety/domestic-abuse/talking-to-children-leaflet-march-2012.pdf

LimeCheesecake · 01/01/2024 13:05

“Daddy lives at Granny’s house now. You’ll still see him, but not here, you’ll see him at granny’s house.” (This presumes he’ll be allowed to see the dcs)

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 01/01/2024 13:20

“I don’t know that answer yet,” is the best you can give right now. You yourself need to absorb this shock and carry your children. Slow down and take it easy.

My ex went to prison for abusing our DD and my youngest was 7 at the time. One of the many layers of our trauma was trying to help my youngest come to terms with the abrupt loss of his dad… forever (because obviously, he’s a sex offender and a deceptive person who can NEVER be trusted all across the board). My youngest didn’t have the abusive experience his older sister had and therefore, the loss of his dad was different from his sister’s loss (a relief for her… but a complex loss in its own right).

Go slowly. No big explanations are needed. They just need to know that dad’s not going to be home for a while and you’re their person of trust and security (this comes via example rather than words). It’s this fine balance of honesty without too much explaining that you’ll have to navigate. It takes time. You want them to understand the situation without it burdening them. I wish you strength and healing. You’ll find your language and way of helping them understand. It’s taken me two full years to carry my youngest through his bereavement. Allow time to take time. It’s not easy to explain these things overnight. And be guided by social services, CAMHS, any organisation coming into your lives to work with you (not against! It’s easy to resist these organisations because they feel invasive. But your family structure has collapsed. Lean into the support because you can’t do it all on your own).

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 01/01/2024 13:25

Oh and please know I’m not suggesting that your ex is a sex offender, just to be clear. I’m just telling you my own experience of ‘Dad Loss to extreme circumstances’ to put it simply. And it’s likely your kids can see dad again so long as they’re not at risk of harm (that’s the heavy work you’ll have to embark on with SS and any other organisations involved in your case/the safeguarding of your children).

Original poster
lucozadeaddict1988 · 01/01/2024 13:41

Thanks for everyone's replies. Yes violence towards me which sadly they witnessed. Police put it in his bail conditions about no contact and that council will deal with visitations but will want to speak with kids first about what they witnessed.

OP posts:
JustExistingNotLiving · 01/01/2024 14:24

I’d be very very factual about it
id also make sure they know what he has done is not ok and that this is the reason why he can’t come home.

One poster said to not tell them that it’s ‘he will never come home’. I’m not so sure tbh. It would be easy for them to get their hopes high. And I wouldn’t want their father to be able to play on that hope either.
Just like daddy isn’t coming back home when you separate and it would be wrong to say it might happen one day, I think you should tell them daddy isn’t coming back home either.

Wallywobbles · 01/01/2024 15:04

Be honest in an age appropriate way. It's never to early to learn that violence should not be tolerated and has consequences. Tell them their home and your home is a safe place and anyone who makes it unsafe can't come into your home. And yes that includes Daddy.

Redburnett · 01/01/2024 15:11

Personally I would tell it straight as it is. There is so much pussyfooting around these ghastly men on DV threads 'so that they can still have a relationship with their DC'.
Just tell them straight that 'Daddy cannot come home because he has hurt Mummy already and he might do it again.'

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 01/01/2024 15:28

Redburnett · 01/01/2024 15:11

Personally I would tell it straight as it is. There is so much pussyfooting around these ghastly men on DV threads 'so that they can still have a relationship with their DC'.
Just tell them straight that 'Daddy cannot come home because he has hurt Mummy already and he might do it again.'

I agree. Why should he be allowed to get away with it as such. Protect yourself op. So sorry you are going through this.

Pickles2023 · 01/01/2024 15:35

Redburnett · 01/01/2024 15:11

Personally I would tell it straight as it is. There is so much pussyfooting around these ghastly men on DV threads 'so that they can still have a relationship with their DC'.
Just tell them straight that 'Daddy cannot come home because he has hurt Mummy already and he might do it again.'

I agree, i mean at 9 they know right from wrong. I feel pussy footing about violence from fathers downplays it too much..they should see that violence has big consequences and it should never be normalised or minimised...

I mean if it was someone unrelated youd probably describe them to kids as bad man...why if they are related is it suddenly different or ok?

LimeCheesecake · 01/01/2024 15:39

OP - your eldest might be talking about “when daddy comes home” as a way of sounding out from you if daddy is coming home, when that will be, how long can they relax in this safe feeling, knowing that daddy might be back at the weekend so they aren’t to get their hopes up their mummy is now safe, because this is just temporary.

Just calmly saying that daddy won’t be coming back, he lives at granny’s house etc might help your dc relax. Children are often scared to ask questions.

commonsense61 · 01/01/2024 16:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 01/01/2024 17:36

Council will deal with visitations?

Original poster
lucozadeaddict1988 · 01/01/2024 18:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Hey she was using it in context of "when daddy comes back he's going to be surprised" the girls had been asking for guinea pigs for a while so today we went and got some which they both love. So it was more of a he'll be surprised to see them

OP posts:
Original poster
lucozadeaddict1988 · 01/01/2024 18:34

Thanks for everyone's replies again.
I've had a chat and was as honest as I could be.
It was hard for me as well as her. Brought back flashbacks of the incident as we spoke.
I just said what he did was very bad, I asked if she understood what he was doing, she shrugged, so I just tried to say it was very bad what he did and for that it means he can't be near me or them for a while, I don't know how long for. That's for someone else to decide. She obviously got upset at this. I said none of this is her or her sisters fault at all and I know it's not fair. I said she will always have me and her uncle, grandparents etc, but I just don't know when he will be allowed to see them.
Also mentioned that cos of how bad what he did was, he won't be coming home.
After a few cuddles, she calmed down and understood, just need to keep an eye on her I guess 🙈

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 01/01/2024 18:34

I don’t think uncertainty is great for kids, esp after seeing something so traumatic. Maybe better to say Daddy won’t be coming home to live here, but they will get to see him at Grandma’s house once the police have finished talking to him.

Serena1977 · 01/01/2024 18:35

tell it as it is.

Don't make out it's the police's decision as pp said. That'll make them angry and untrusting of the police.
sad as this is, it is an opportunity for them to see that when they are adults, they also can see as you are showing them that violence is never acceptable.

Original poster
lucozadeaddict1988 · 01/01/2024 18:35

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 01/01/2024 17:36

Council will deal with visitations?

I think that's what the police officer said.
But to be honest he could have said something else.
Slot happened in the space of 18 hours, I had multiple visitors, no sleep, police, ambulance, more police, phone calls 🙈

OP posts:
TotallyKerplunked · 01/01/2024 18:49

I've been in your position (although it was violence from exDH to DS) and my advice is to keep it simple and truthful and age appropriate.

My kids were 8/4/2 at the time and the best thing I did was to involve the school who had a family support worker to sort through things and help explain to them that what he did was wrong and they need to be safe in their home.
When/if contact with dad is re-established you need to keep on top of what goes on and what is said, my exDH would keep on at the kids about how horrible I was and I wouldn't let him home which obviously confused them and caused behavioural issues. Good luck.