Explaining to children parent can't come back home

[lucozadeaddict1988]

Please please be nice I've had a very traumatic Christmas.
Police are involved and as such children's father can not currently come near me or them or the house.

My girls are 4 and 9.
Up until today the eldest hasn't mentioned her dad, but today said "when he comes back...."
Now they both know what happened, saw what happened and knows the police were involved.

Up until that comment off my eldest I thought she knew the severity of the situation and knew he wouldn't be back. All his stuffs been taken from the house by his family and the girls know he's staying at his mum's house.

How can I explain, without destroying my children, that he won't be back in this house.

Also echo others about involving the school and having a family support worker involved. I also allowed the children to ask questions and talk about what happened whilst trying to explain it in simple terms in the most age appropriate way. I’m 3 years out now but being open and honest really helped my children process everything. Gradually they spoke about it less and less and now they don’t mention it at all.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Sounds like you handled the chat really well.

9yo might have seen a classmate do something pretty violent and then return after a while. At that age, mine had seen all sorts at school - kicking punching hitting person with bat, teeth knocked out, arm broken etc
does she maybe need to understand the difference between an adult and a kid doing such things?

It sounds like you very much said the right thing and did as much as you could to put them more at ease. Good luck going forward.

Bloody hell where did your kids go to school? That sounds awful!

I would tell them the truth. Saying he might come back leaves it hanging. You need to make it clear to them that he's not going to be living with you again.

I'm sorry your children have witnessed things they shouldn't have seen but it's good that they see you not standing for his behaviour.

Tell them that you don't want him in the house any more as you don't feel he's right for you. Make sure they don't in any way shape or form think it's their fault.

I am going through exactly the same thing as you OP, just a month ahead.
You've done and said the right things to DC. DC need to understand that what they witnessed is totally unacceptable.
We have had a Christmas where we laughed and had peace for the first time in years. Usually STBex has caused arguments and stress for everyone.
The police have been brilliant. SS and school have been very supportive.
You will be ok.

So sorry you're also going through this. Hope you are all alright too x

I expect the police meant social services when they said "council"

I think you've said the right thing to your DC, OP. It's possible they won't be allowed unsupervised access to Dad , anyway

Keep it simple and honest, and dont lie to them, they need to know the truth as they will have to live it

I'm so sorry for what you and the children have gone through.
I guess it depends on whether this was behaviour they had been used to seeing or whether it was a one off and therefore totally shocking and outside of their comprehension.
I'd imagine your 9 year old will have a good understanding of violence being totally unacceptable if she has not grown up witnessing this as the norm and, as such it may be easier for her to understand that even though they love their Dad, and he loves them ( if he does of course) he can't live in the house anymore. I don't agree with blaming outside agencies, I think your children need to hear it straight from you that it is your choice because of his bad behaviour.
(I fostered many children who viewed male on female violence as quite normal and who often went on to exhibiting severe violence themselves. I don't think it was the experience they lived through necessarily, it was the messages they were given throughout childhood that this was normal)