Does anyone else's parents/in laws expect you to celebrate their birthday with them every year?

[confusedlots]

On my own parents birthdays sometimes I will see them and sometimes not, they don't make a big deal about their birthdays, we send a card, flowers etc, we might have them for lunch if we haven't seen them for a while. And we would often go out for dinner if it was a big birthday.

But the in laws expect us to celebrate their birthdays with them and I am starting to tire of it because one of the in laws birthdays is on New Year's Day. So every New Year's Day for the last 10 years we have all had to sit down to another formal family 3 course dinner, and it is honestly the last thing I want to do after a week of eating and socialising. And I have seen the in laws 3 times in the past week so I don't even have much left to chat about!

So here I am getting ready for another day of formalities when I would actually love to just have a lazy morning at home, then a big walk on the beach with just my own little family, stopping for a hot chocolate somewhere and just generally having a relaxed day.

There's no way we could say we're not going to the birthday meal and head off to the beach instead! And I feel like this is going to be my fate on New Year's Day for years to come!

If I wasn't planning another short break in December next year I'd be booking a cottage somewhere over new year next year to give us an excuse!

Oh well, rant over, and happy new everyone!

Could you have the family beach walk and hot chocolate on one of the days between Christmas and New Year instead?

What does your DP/DH think, if it’s their parents? Have you told them you’d like to skip it?

I’d hate being summoned on NYD for enforced fun. It’s the best lazy day of the year!

Why should she? Why can’t they just have one NYD to themselves?

We do celebrate family birthdays on my side and always get together (FIL is dead and MIL abroad so don’t see DH’s side) but DH doesn’t always go. Depends what he has on.

Let your DH go and do your own thing. You don’t have to do everything together.

Think you’ll have to do it today, but you have a year to explain how you feel, and prepare to make it different next year.

Yes my in laws are like this. I find it baffling. And annoying. Ours all come in summer so we spend every weekend in July driving round the m25 on birthday obligations. I have done the booking trips/ activities things but you can’t do it ALL the time. However, my birthday is NYE so I do sympathise with them on the crap time to have a birthday front. But I don’t force everyone (anyone!) to visit me/ celebrate with me.

@Flensburg yes we could. But I think it's something about the fact it's New Year's Day, it feels like that marks a fresh start, the end of the festivities and socialising.

I also get quite overwhelmed with the Christmas rushing and all the people and socialising, and we have hosted or been at other family members houses nearly every day over the festive period that the thought of doing it again on New Year's Day and making small talk with the in laws is just not what I want to be doing.

I appreciate I'm probably a bit odd, but that's just how I feel!

You are not odd - I would feel exactly the same.

DH, our adult daughters and I all have birthdays within the same month. We pick a day to go out to dinner together. A phone call on the actual day is nice but I don’t expect them to come over.

I don't think you're odd at all, the only odd thing is to have gone along with it as long as you have! If it were a random day during the year that you were expected to attend it would be mildly annoying but perhaps doeable but to have to wade through another family occasion after already having done multiple in the last week is painful. For next year, I would either cut way back on the other family socialising around the festive season and attend the birthday meal with at least something to talk about or just say that you want to do your own thing/something different this year either as a family or on your own. The sky won't fall in. I had to put in place some firm boundaries with my exhusbands family. It wasn't so much that they were hugely into events so much as that because there so many of them, there always seemed to be a big birthday, a communion, confirmation etc. I mostly went but if I didn't suit me or I didn't feel like another 6 hour round trip for X event, then I didn't go. The old 'it just doesn't suit' covered all bases! No lies or invented illnesses or any of that. I think they initially found my stance a little odd but ultimately respected me for it I think. And I still have very good relations with them even post divorce so I don't think it was damaging

If it was a working day, I couldn’t, but I’d aim to see them at one of the weekends either side (only one left now). I actually think the combined birthday/New Year’s Day family dinner is a lovely family tradition but then I liked my in-laws.

Adults making a fuss about birthdays, other than big ones or if they've recently overcome illness/some other stressful event, has always puzzled me tbh.

I do get that we're all different, of course, but for me it's really just another day.

DH wouldn't see the point in skipping it just to have a lazy day with only us. He'd say that we could pick another day to do that. And the in laws would definitely find it rude if we skipped it for no good reason. Although they wouldn't have an issue if we had something else on - but that's my point, I don't want to have anything planned for today!

I am clearly stalling our departure by taking my time getting ready and having a coffee and browsing MN so at least I'm enjoying a lazy morning. Oh well, maybe it won't be too bad after a glass of wine!

I think that the very fact you’re saying a random day some other time in the year wouldn’t be a problem is exactly why Christmas birthdays are a bit rubbish to have and why it’s more important to make them special for the person in question.

Birthdays were never a big thing in my family so not an issue.
In laws (250 miles away) made a huge fuss about theirs and we didn’t usually go because of time/holiday etc. we would get lots of comments about missing them. They also suggested we should go there to celebrate our birthdays.
I also don’t get adults making a big fuss, especially for a non landmark birthdays.

Yes my ILs were like this both with their birthdays and DHs. They always expected to be together plus my MILs birthday was on Valentine’s Day which made it worse! They are now deceased but we compromised over the years and didn’t spend everyone together. It’s not fair to always dictate how people celebrate.

How far away do they live? Why don't you suggest one meet up around Xmas this year and have plans next NY day 2025?

The OP could adore her in-laws and still not enjoy being chained every year forever to a series of family meet ups culminating in another heavy meal. Many, probably most people would find that suffocating. So your comment was completely unnecessary

I'd be annoyed too. I learned early on that if I don't go to things my in-laws cope just fine. It means when I do go I enjoy it.

Take control, life is to short.

Make him go on his own then.

We don't really celebrate any adults birthdays in our families, although my sil has decided what she wants to do for her 50th is come have drinks and a sleepover here, marvelous.

On the otherhand, fil was abandoned as a baby and isn't even sure what date he was born. 20th, 21st or 22nd when he was found.... I'm certainly not celebrating for three days.

But why do grown adults need extended family to make them feel special on their birthday, regardless of when it falls? Its all a bit self indulgent really. I barely care about my birthday let alone expecting a future DIL to do so.

I recognise this. The point at which I lost it slightly with DH was the year we went to see DMIL (2 hour drive each way) the weekend before her Friday birthday to be told there was the big gathering on the next weekend and we were ‘expected’ (first we’d been told about it). DH rolled over having forgotten we were meant to be at a BBQ with my friends. I should have just gone to said BBQ but to keep the peace didn’t. Since then we’ve got much better at being firm about what works for us and (because DPIL are utterly lovely) this has worked. But I was firstly stunned (we don’t gather for adult birthdays in my family and it had never dawned on me before then that we were EXPECTED to be there) and then grumpy about the complete lack of notice.

I came from a family who were always quiet relaxed about adult birthdays - no gatherings, generally just a meal the birthday person liked

ILs (or someone in their family I'm never sure which) always organise a meet up/drink if it's one of their birthdays

OP if yours are insisting could you not make one of the days you see them over Xmas a birthday celebration as well?

The only one of the four we do it for is the one whose birthday is Boxing Day, and yes, it's a bit of a pain, but we do it because it's shit having your birthday on Boxing Day and IMO that warrants the extra effort. We don't make it a joint Christmas/birthday either, it is just a birthday celebration and that means a lot to them.

We are on our way now so at least I managed to enjoy quite a lazy morning at home pottering around and getting ready.

Kids are tired and emotional though after all the fun of the past week so it could be a fun day!