Lonely AF

[CoffeeLover90]

I'm not here for advice, more of a rant really... I'm a single, completely solo parent. I've family who will not help with child care.
Hobby/Community groups have to be out of the question- I work full time, which is covered by school and paid childcare
Dating- haha
Friends- ?
To cut a long story short the ex left me isolated from anyone I grew close to. These people I haven't spoken to for around 15 years. Some moved to different parts of the country. Doesn't seem possible to reconnect now.
I've no opportunity to broaden my social circle. Those I work with have full lives themselves, families and their own network. We're close but there doesn't seem to be an opportunity to socialise outside of work.
Friends, I have a couple of close ones, each with their own families, work etc and in an emergency situation they'd help with DS so how can we do anything together if they're my only childcare?

I hate this time of year. Everyone has plans and it just emphasises the loneliness I feel.

This too shall pass I know. But the man who has me in this situation is out there free as a fucking bird and I only have myself to blame.

I hope no one ends up like me. It feels like no life at times. I'm just sailing through,until the next storm.

Oh OP, that sounds really hard. How old is your DS, could you start doing something sociable together? Off the top of my head: running club (some do children's miles etc.), our local library does family events on Saturdays, our church is having a new year's eve brunch tomorrow.

I remember when we moved here I didn't know anyone and was working remotely. That was tough for a while, but I did eventually build up great networks of friends here.

This is my situation only with 4 children. No one will have them, my family won’t ever have them, it’s out of the question as they are “my kids” fair enough. Haven’t dated in 7 years been celibate for 7 years not out of choice! haven’t had a night to myself in 7 years. Ex doesn’t see the children. It’s not just you even though it feels like it sometimes as I often feel like the only one in my situation as everyone either has family help or their ex is involved.

Thank you both.

I live a little rurally and events including children are more toddler based. Mine is 4 and in reception.
I'll admit social anxiety doesn't help but it's something I'm working on. School mums don't speak, they stand apart in school yard as if covid restrictions are still in place.

I know I'm not the only one, and I hate that others are in this position, but I'll take my hat off to you. 4 kids, I'm struggling with one.
2 years I've been on my own. I was lost, then content and then this loneliness hit me from no where. I understand how easy it can be to run to exs at this point but hell will freeze before I let that happen!

Yes it’s very true what you say about events, they are for toddlers or babies, people have told me to join mum apps but mine are too old for that where you make friends though your children mine are too old to make friends through them now as they are at an age where they choose there own friends and would cringe at me trying to make friends for them and I haven’t gelled with any of the school mums! It can be very lonely

Yep. Rant away, it's shit.

Try the app peanut

Perhaps you could join something online or virtually OP?

I'm not in quite the same situation, but am somewhat isolated due to where I live (we relocated for DP's job and don't really know anyone here) and I'm chronically unwell so can't leave the house much or by myself really which I hate but it is what it is.

I've found a lot of pleasure in virtual drawing/craft classes - live ones with a real person (though you can do them on catchup of social anxiety is an issue), virtual bookclub and have also found Instagram great for making online 'friends' if you follow people with similar interests and simply get talking to them.

Not the same as real life meet ups maybe but it does plug a gap and give a feeling that you socialised and that you've engages with real people.

Know you are not alone. When kids are in school can you condense hours to create time? Or get a babysitter sometimes on the weekend once childcare fees are reduced? You could try online dating and talk in the evening before doing this/introducing your kids.

There are good people out there. Only you can change your life. It is a tough situation no doubt. Please don't give up on your
Happiness. You deserve it.

Thank you for the supportive words all.
I have downloaded an app (frolo) Not many members in my area but still involve myself in posts.
This is OK but not on the same level as someone to chat to after a hard day.
It is just a phase im sure, pleased to have a safe, anonymous place to rant though

@CoffeeLover90 how galling, that the ex is free. The early years are so gruelling.
I know you said reconnecting with long-lost friends isn’t possible, but from the perspective of someone who loves to hear from friends I’ve lost touch with, maybe reconsider? Just a ‘was thinking of you/x reminded me of you, hope all’s well’ type text? It feels exposing, wait until you’re back in your usual routine. But consider it. And good luck: I hope things get much better for you x

You will be surprised how many people feel like you. Many people with family around and busy lives feels lonely too.
I know that you said you don’t want advice, but you have to keep trying. Life is to precious to have someone to laugh with. Good luck.

I know exactly how you feel. It's horrible. And it's like no one realises or cares that you might be lonely because you're just expected to get on with things. I think loneliness in single mums is a common thing. You're kind of cut off from a lot of things if you don't have a network, but the network is impossible to get if you can't get childcare and socialise. Even then working full time and looking after kids solely, you're probably too tired to be prioritising making new friendships.
I talked to a lot of people online which kept me occupied at night and I then met my now husband on a dating site when the time was right. It's possible to change things around and have hope for the future and I really hope that you find whatever makes you content.

I hear you! You can get through the day to day but loneliness can hit at any time - and the weight of constant love for your child that their other parent doesn’t feel, and responsibility, mixes sourly.

I have five children still at home, ranging from adult to early primary, they are lovely and I’m so proud of our family unit but I have no extended family at all, no in-person friends as ex isolated me and I live very rurally, parents at school gate keep the same distance as you experience - the same as in Covid. I’m very lonely.

If you can, I’d definitely try to access networks of other single parents - it might take time, but I think an awful lot of us would love to make connections with others that understand. If only we could all wear the same t-shirt to recognise each other in the wild 😁.

It is so hard. My ex left when my DS was 6 months old. I was lucky in that my DF would help me with my DS as I was working but I didn't have the money to go out much and most of my friends were either childless or didn't go out.

I started studying as well as working and made a very good friend with children which was invaluable but we didn't go out and she couldn't babysit. Eventually I met other friends through work and as my DS got older he had sleep overs so I could go out. But I was constantly juggling.

I had some boyfriends but I just wasn't able to commit to dates alot because of the lack of childcare. I'm also really independent because I had to be and I think some men found it off-putting.

My ex too was having a great single life and I used to get so angry. All I wanted was for him to commit to the child we both wanted. But no. Not even any financial support.

My anger towards him is just hate now.

All you can do is keep going. But its hard and gets harder. I honestly don't know how I did it.

Why not join a virtual hobby? Eg the craft place near me to does intro courses to knitting/crochet etc on zoom!

I appreciate the suggestions of groups and hobbies online but I don't feel like that's for me. I don't have an interest. As PP said when I do have free time I'm too tired, that may change as DS is getting less demanding and dependant as the months go on.

It just feels very unfair, I let myself get cut off from the world over the last 15 years, so I relied solely on him now he's gone, I'm grateful for that, but know he won't have the restrictions I do.
I did reach out to a couple of old friends a while ago but I could tell there was no feeling really, nothing came of it.

Things will change, I know they will. This time two years ago I never thought I'd be in this position I'm in now, I'm free, a very happy and healthy child, a good wage and even a holiday booked.
So of course things will get better and I should stop dwelling on the negatives and look at the many positive changes I made to improve mine and my sons life.

It's this time of year that gets me, even though its my second as a solo parent. It's the posts of happy families, parties and the adverts that drive home what I could have had if I'd made better choices, if I'd left sooner.

Update- I've accepted an invite to a class birthday party. Hoping parents are more social outside of school, maybe I'll find someone to click with. Worth a try.
There's been a couple before now, I'd honestly thought the invites were out of politeness and didn't go (oops) after being added to a class WhatsApp I realised this wasn't the case.

Push on with school mums. I met some lovely friends through primary in the early years who I hadn’t known before starting school.. Dc now turning 18 and we are still friends (doesn’t matter that the kids aren’t). Your ds still really young so that window has not closed. Have you considered pta / volunteering at school? Some fab women do that and it’s so shit you get a blitz spirit going that can be bonding.

You need local like minded people in the same boat.

@TheaBrandt You're right, I'm definitely going and will make the effort to chat as much as possible among the 4/5 year olds 😁 I honestly can't spare the time or energy for volunteering at school, I work while he's there and outside of school no childcare, apart from paid. I have met a few of those who do volunteer and I can't see us having anything in common, although they do seem lovely.

Look up Gingerbread or other single parents charities or communities and see if there is a group in your area. If you went along with DC to some meet ups you might make some friends who understand that you can meet up more easily with DC than alone.

Ask around at school for a babysitting club. You may not be able to do nights but you could agree an exchange where you have someone's DC for a couple of hours at the weekend in exchange for them babysitting for you one evening a week. Most babysitting groups operate some sort of token system and daycare is higher value than nighttime when the kids are in bed.

You could also consider getting back in touch with all the people you were estranged from during your marriage. Tell them that you have now separated and realised that somehow in the course of your marriage you lost contact with a lot of people who you miss and would like to see again.

Some may reply. Nothing to lose.

@OwlWeiwei I had found a couple of groups for single parents (not gingerbread though, I'll try that) and I was bewildered... some meet ups were X pub, no kids allowed, most were weekday afternoons. I gave up with that but will keep looking, hopefully finding one that caters to single parents who work office hours!
The babysitting group idea sounds good, I do have space for one extra overnight. May be a little too soon as this class is reception so only started from September, still another reason to get chatting with these and hopefully something forms.

I can relate @CoffeeLover90! Ive been in the same position since DS was 16 months old. The earlier years were definitely the hardest. I pretty much gave up on school mums as a potential friendship group but things shifted slightly as DS (now 9) got older and developed closer friends, which prompted me to make contact and go out with friend his mum a few times. Likewise being on the sidelines at clubs meant I'd get talking to other parents.

I still get frustrated at how isolated I am, especially compared to my completely absent ex. I have to avoid social media as seeing families doing fun packed Christmas things just makes me feel crapper. I'm considering an online qualification this year just to get something tangible out of these weird years.

Looking back I wish I'd not spoken as much about how I am a single parent to the other mums. I think some reacted with pity, which i didn't want. I think some others worried that I'd need extra support or make demands from their time, which was also incorrect. I wouldn't have mentioned it unless asked, and then only talked positively about my situation. Just my personal take!

Xx

Is it possible to get a remote job? That way you can do an exercise class on your lunch break and make friends/do something for yourself that way.

I don't mention that I'm a single parent unless asked either. I noticed a couple of friends distanced themselves after ex and I split, despite them hating him and knowing the abuse, now I realise they were probably worried I'd become needy. I haven't, I've always been completely independent, I learned that no one has my back except me.

My job is work from home, only one office day a fortnight, my lunch break is only 30 minutes. But I enjoy my job, I love the people I work with and wouldn't dream of leaving.

Does it have flexitime at all? Could you start late or finish early once a week to do something for you, then make up the hours once your children are in bed?