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Original poster

What should I do? (TRIGGER WARNING - SA)

28 replies

unsurebut · 30/12/2023 12:33

This happened a couple of weeks ago and I've been thinking about it ever since. I feel like I need to report it but I don't have any identifying info.

It was one of my close friend's Christmas dinner and I went along with him as a plus one. I was sitting next to a man called Steven (not real name) and he got incredibly drunk on cocktails. He seemed nice enough, was chatty and talking about things like hobbies, etc. Just generally making conversation. I didn't like or dislike him, but he did come across as a little strange, mentioned he didn't have many/any friends and feeling quite isolated and asking advice - not really the type of conversation you have the first time you meet someone and sitting round a table for dinner. Anyway, after a while I realised that he was talking exclusively to me. No problem.

Then we went to the bar where he proceeded to drink more cocktails and started coming on to me, telling me I was 'stunning', 'fit as fuck', etc. Pretty inappropriate. Anyway, he then went on to say that I wasn't to worry because he "likes little kiddies" - exact words. Then he said "if you knew the truth you'd call the police". I was sent reeling. I immediately turned to my friend and repeated what he'd said and my friend shrugged it off saying that he was joking. I said I disagreed entirely, but what could I do?

As further context he was later thrown out of a strip club for inappropriately touching one of the girls, totally creepy man. I can only imagine how drunk he was by then.

Anyway, sorry for the long post! I don't know what to do. I can't report it because I have absolutely no identifying information, other than his first name. I tried asking my friend for his surname and then the name of the company but he's ignored it and if anything happens he would know it's me.

I don't know what to do, but I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me pretty uncomfortable. Please, any advice would be welcomed.

TLDR - creepy man making sexual remarks about children and admitting the police would be called if I knew the truth.

OP posts:
User007007 · 30/12/2023 12:48

Well your friend knows who he is, so if you reported it to the police they would surely question him (your friend) in order get the guys full name. I'd definitely report it. He's basically made a confession of sorts!

Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 12:59

That would ruin the friendship.......I'd rather keep him out of it if I can.....

But ultimately, he just said that while drunk. Would the police even be interested in taking this forwards? I 100% believe what this awful man said and had he said any more about the subject I would have called the police there and then.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 30/12/2023 13:03

He may have been joking ( not a joke by any stretch of the imagination) I would think the police would need a a lot more evidence to actually investigate. I'm sure someone will come along and tell me I'm wrong very shortly

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/12/2023 13:03

There is absolutely no way, anyone, ever who wasn't a paedophile would say that they were. No matter how drunk they are! It is something so reprehensible that it just wouldn't happen. It needs reporting op.

Robinkitty · 30/12/2023 13:04

I’d inform the police. Potentially Safeguard any children who may be unfortunate to come near him over a friendship. Just tell the police what you know and let them deal with it.

BarkHorse · 30/12/2023 13:10

If anything happens - it’s unlikely your friend would actually find out (the guy isn’t going to share it around is he).

Assuming this was a work do and he works with your friend (but you don’t know the company name) I imagine this would take five minutes on LinkedIn or Google to find out.

Nagado · 30/12/2023 15:38

All you can realistically do is tell the police everything you know. They may well decide that there’s nothing that they can do, but you’ll have done everything you can.

I’m slightly confused why you’re so concerned about not damaging your mutual friendship. If you tell your friend that ‘Steven’ has told you those things and his only concern is to protect ‘Steven’ by not giving you his surname then why would you want to save your friendship with such a person? Presumably he’d have been aware of the incident where ‘Steven’ was chucked out for being a creep? The fact that he still wants to protect him makes me think that your friend has some skewed priorities.

Andthereyougo · 30/12/2023 15:50

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/12/2023 13:03

There is absolutely no way, anyone, ever who wasn't a paedophile would say that they were. No matter how drunk they are! It is something so reprehensible that it just wouldn't happen. It needs reporting op.

I agree with this and think you have to report it.
Call 101 with all the detail you have. His first name, approx age, description. Which nightclub he was thrown out of. Does he work with the friend who invited you? If he is the only person who’d know his full name you have to give his details to track this creep down.
Sorry it’s fallen to you.

Ducksinthebath · 30/12/2023 16:15

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/12/2023 13:03

There is absolutely no way, anyone, ever who wasn't a paedophile would say that they were. No matter how drunk they are! It is something so reprehensible that it just wouldn't happen. It needs reporting op.

I’d also be very surprised if anyone who was a paedophile would simply announce it to a random woman at a party.

Sounds more like a very bad “joke” in extremely poor taste.

Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 16:43

See, at a push I could believe it was a joke - until he said I'd phone the police if I knew the truth. He repeated it as well.

I'd like to believe it wasn't sinister in any way, but my gut is saying otherwise.

I'm just going to see if I can report it online.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 16:54

DP is adamant I can't report it because no crime has been committed. I'm saying that doesn't matter.

OP posts:
x2boys · 30/12/2023 16:58

OrlandointheWilderness · 30/12/2023 13:03

There is absolutely no way, anyone, ever who wasn't a paedophile would say that they were. No matter how drunk they are! It is something so reprehensible that it just wouldn't happen. It needs reporting op.

By the same token why would someone openly tell.strangers they are a paedophile?

x2boys · 30/12/2023 17:02

unsurebut · 30/12/2023 16:54

DP is adamant I can't report it because no crime has been committed. I'm saying that doesn't matter.

What could the police actually do ?
Yes he's a creep and a Letch
But how can they prove he done anything?
He can just deny saying anything.

Shiningout · 30/12/2023 17:07

x2boys · 30/12/2023 16:58

By the same token why would someone openly tell.strangers they are a paedophile?

Show quote history

Some pedophiles drop hints/make jokes about it to see how someone reacts to it and to see if they seem that way inclined too. It's normally online they'd do that I assume but it could happen I suppose. It's sick, but some women do also have these tendencies or support men who do

Minglingpringle · 30/12/2023 17:07

Sounds like Jimmy Savile. Offending in plain sight.

Tip the police off. They have ways of finding stuff out, probably including who he is. He might be the missing link in an existing investigation. Even if not, you will have done your best and can put your mind at rest.

Don’t involve your friend before going to the police. But if the police show an interest in taking it further, that’s the time to ask. What sort of maniac would try and hinder their investigation and get annoyed at you for initiating it?

Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 17:20

Thanks everyone. I've reported it to my local police force online using their 'Tell us about something you've seen or heard' option. I've described it exactly and given as much detail as I could. There might be CCTV from that night from the restaurant which will show me talking to him, so that's something I guess.

I just felt that I couldn't sit by and do nothing if there's even the smallest potential for children being harmed.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 17:23

Minglingpringle · 30/12/2023 17:07

Sounds like Jimmy Savile. Offending in plain sight.

Tip the police off. They have ways of finding stuff out, probably including who he is. He might be the missing link in an existing investigation. Even if not, you will have done your best and can put your mind at rest.

Don’t involve your friend before going to the police. But if the police show an interest in taking it further, that’s the time to ask. What sort of maniac would try and hinder their investigation and get annoyed at you for initiating it?

Thank you. I agree with what you've said, especially the potential for him to be part of a wider problem.

OP posts:
scoopoftheday · 30/12/2023 17:29

Good on you OP

Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 17:35

DP has just had a massive go at me saying that I've blemished this man's life, there will be a flag forever on his police record even if he's done nothing wrong (don't know if that's true), that I don't know anything about this man, it's totally unfair to accuse him and that I might get my friend fired if there is any sort of investigation.

I've told him how disgusted I am that he's protecting a potential paedophile and my friend's employment above potentially protecting vulnerable children from the worst kind of abuse. And for the record he doesn't even like my friend! I am honestly disgusted by him, I've come away upstairs with a glass of Prosecco to calm down.

OP posts:
Nagado · 30/12/2023 17:43

unsurebut · 30/12/2023 16:54

DP is adamant I can't report it because no crime has been committed. I'm saying that doesn't matter.

I wonder whether he’d say the same thing if Steven had told you that he was a burglar? Or that he’d killed somebody? No? Why is that? Why would it be ok to phone the police to tell them that a man had confessed to being a burglar or a murderer, but it’s not ok to tell the police about this because no ‘crime’ has been committed? Steven told you that you’d call the police if you knew the truth about him. It’s a reasonable assumption to make that crimes may have been committed previously and/or they would be committed again in the future. And it’s down to the police to take that forward. You aren’t proposing to put this man and his claims on social media or organise a protest outside his house. You’re leaving it to the professionals to deal with.

The police might be unable to do anything, but what if it helps them protect a child from being harmed? You’ve done the right thing and I’d be looking at your DP and your friend very differently if I were you.

Original poster
unsurebut · 30/12/2023 18:51

I literally just repeated your post to DP - he had no response to make other than re-iterate his point. And made a big deal out of the fact that it's taken me a while to make the decision.

OP posts:
Nagado · 30/12/2023 19:20

unsurebut · 30/12/2023 18:51

I literally just repeated your post to DP - he had no response to make other than re-iterate his point. And made a big deal out of the fact that it's taken me a while to make the decision.

I think that says more about him than you. You’ve done the right thing. He needs to take a long, hard look at himself. But I suspect he won’t. Coward.

Minglingpringle · 30/12/2023 23:04

If they don’t find any evidence against him then no charges will be brought and the whole thing will go away.

He’s not going to go to prison just because you say you have suspicions. His life won’t be ruined at all.

But if there’s evidence then it’s right something should happen.

Minglingpringle · 30/12/2023 23:04

It took a long time to make the decision because he was telling you not to do it and making you doubt yourself.

Minglingpringle · 30/12/2023 23:06

How would an investigation get your friend fired? The company isn’t going to hold it against him that he’s complying with a police investigation. It won’t even have been him that instigated it. It was a disinterested third party.