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Original poster

How much do you live in your memories?

32 replies

YukoandHiro · 30/12/2023 01:34

I'm only in my 40s so not old as such but recently I've found that I spend a lot of time in my memories, particularly at night (I'm not sleeping well, probably perimenopause)

I have some wonderful memories of my teen years and early twenties, and find myself thinking through crushes and first kisses, gigs and house parties I went to, nights out with friends, etc.

I have a happy marriage and 2 children and don't feel my life is lacking anything but I still seem to enjoy thinking about the distant past. Does anyone else do this?

I think the thing I've found the hardest about this stage (I still have a toddler) is the complete lack of spontaneity in life. The monotony is really against my personality and I do find it hard to square that element of parenting with the person I once was.

I guess I should just be happy I had such a relatively good experience of my teen years but is it a bit weird?

OP posts:
TwistTheRibs · 30/12/2023 01:39

It's not weird at all. Whatever gets you through the day (or week, month, hour... 🤣), I think. As life with a toddler can get tedious sometimes.

It also doesn't necessarily mean you're not where you should be in life. Just that this stage is damn difficult. It's normal to miss times when you had more freedom to come and go as you like. Plus, we always remember the good bits looking back, don't we? Weird when the present can seem all-encompassing and tough sometimes.

Schneekugel · 30/12/2023 04:20

I see it as a sign that a person doesn't have much "life" going on in the present, which you have confirmed is the case! People with nothing to say about current life either don't talk much or fall back on reminiscing about the past. It's natural I suppose, you've got to be thinking of something, otherwise you're just a zombie with no thought process beyond eating people

DustyLee123 · 30/12/2023 08:15

I think that it’s something you do more as you get older.

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Disturbia81 · 30/12/2023 16:14

Schneekugel · 30/12/2023 04:20

I see it as a sign that a person doesn't have much "life" going on in the present, which you have confirmed is the case! People with nothing to say about current life either don't talk much or fall back on reminiscing about the past. It's natural I suppose, you've got to be thinking of something, otherwise you're just a zombie with no thought process beyond eating people

Yes I found this with babies and young kid phase. Once youngest got to 4 I went back to work and got a social life, more time for friends/gigs/outings and I no longer think about it much.
I think it means you aren't satisfied

ErrolTheRednosedDragon · 30/12/2023 16:32

I don't much.

I think it's ok to reminisce about good times - it's people who dwell on bad memories who have a problem.

Returnofthemat · 30/12/2023 16:39

I find myself doing this more and more as I get older (also in my 40s!) I reckon it happens once you’ve completed all the “big” milestones such as getting married or having a baby and there’s less to look forward to, if that makes sense!

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 30/12/2023 19:03

That definitely makes sense @Returnofthemat. For me I think it's also about life being incredibly predictable at the moment. It has to be: we have 2 young DC, we both work and my DH is a shift worker so we have to plan a lot in advance around who is covering what/when etc and any nice things like date nights or night out with friends need to be planned a long time in advance.
I wouldn't say I'm unsatisfied in life, but I definitely feel like a big part of me is sort of on hiatus and maybe that's why I'm dwelling on the past.
The whole not having anything to look forward to issue is interesting. I'm very goal orientated and in a sense we have now completed most of them: babies, marriage, house that is big enough to stay in long term, careers (albeit my progress has taken a huge hit by having 2 children).
I'm self employed and wfh so rarely meeting new people definitely makes me feel dissatisfied. It doesn't suit me as a person at all.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/12/2023 19:04

I don’t but I didn’t enjoy my teens and twenties- sometimes I think back to when my eldest was a baby, truly my happiest time my first mat leave.

Brird · 30/12/2023 19:20

I'm 54 and yes, quite a lot. Especially in early mornings as I wake up early. Or at random moments I'll remember something, usually triggered by something I'm reading or watching on TV.

Unfortunately for me they are usually unpleasant memories, even though I've had my fair share of good times in life.

FatFemale · 30/12/2023 19:46

usually when im washing up, ill think of some cringe moments and stand there cringy laughing to myself. Memories are great

Disturbia81 · 30/12/2023 19:59

YukoandHiro · 30/12/2023 19:03

That definitely makes sense @Returnofthemat. For me I think it's also about life being incredibly predictable at the moment. It has to be: we have 2 young DC, we both work and my DH is a shift worker so we have to plan a lot in advance around who is covering what/when etc and any nice things like date nights or night out with friends need to be planned a long time in advance.
I wouldn't say I'm unsatisfied in life, but I definitely feel like a big part of me is sort of on hiatus and maybe that's why I'm dwelling on the past.
The whole not having anything to look forward to issue is interesting. I'm very goal orientated and in a sense we have now completed most of them: babies, marriage, house that is big enough to stay in long term, careers (albeit my progress has taken a huge hit by having 2 children).
I'm self employed and wfh so rarely meeting new people definitely makes me feel dissatisfied. It doesn't suit me as a person at all.

Make any changes you can to be satisfied and happy.. life is too short.
Be the real you

Doggymummar · 30/12/2023 20:01

Due to,PTSD I don't remember anything between age 12 and about 24 and after that they are sketchy. Quite envious of people who remember stuff

Blinkityblonk · 30/12/2023 20:04

I don't, as I can't remember them, but I often daydream a lot, usually about fantasy crushes, especially when life is hard or stressful, I think it's an escape mechanism and that's probably what's happening here. I don't think it's harmful per se but it can indicate things aren't completely ok in the present, for me it does anyway.

AngelsandAliens · 30/12/2023 20:06

Yep this is totally me at the moment , weirdly i sometimes even wake up and think I’m in my parents house and I’m 19 years old - then realisation hits .

compactopera · 30/12/2023 20:18

Returnofthemat · 30/12/2023 16:39

I find myself doing this more and more as I get older (also in my 40s!) I reckon it happens once you’ve completed all the “big” milestones such as getting married or having a baby and there’s less to look forward to, if that makes sense!

Surely once you're married and have had a baby/ babies there's even more to look forward to. It's quite sad if not.

LadyBird1973 · 30/12/2023 20:32

I think when you are young, all things are possible. And there's the energy to be spontaneous and have random late nights out and just go with the flow. You don't know how life will turn out, so the unknown possibilities are exciting.

As much as you love your partner and dc , you are dealing in known quantities now - it's not going to be so exciting. And we are older and a bit more knackered and have important responsibilities.

DNLove · 30/12/2023 21:53

I find someone close to me who has always lived her life like that, constantly talking about and rose tinting the past, now has dementia. I believe her lack of using her brain to create new memories and living a full life contributed to her illness. You need to find opportunities to constantly develop and engage.

raspberrybeeret · 30/12/2023 22:06

It's not weird but it is a sign of your current mental state. What are you looking forward to in 2024? What do your memories have in common that you're trying to fulfil (by living through them)?

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 31/12/2023 04:09

DNLove · 30/12/2023 21:53

I find someone close to me who has always lived her life like that, constantly talking about and rose tinting the past, now has dementia. I believe her lack of using her brain to create new memories and living a full life contributed to her illness. You need to find opportunities to constantly develop and engage.

That's a bit depressing but I also know exactly what you mean.
I am doing that as much as is physically possible right now but as a previous poster said with two young DC to care for alongside work and other responsibilities a lot of things happening for me are about "known quantities" at the moment. So creating constant chances for newness/innovation isn't possible in the same way.
Someone asked what I'm looking forward to it 2024 and honestly right now I don't have a major thing in my diary to get v excited about - it's not like we can just afford to eg book a Caribbean holiday or something. But I take the point. Lots of food for thought.

OP posts:
3ormorecharacters · 31/12/2023 04:45

This is interesting to me because I've always done this in a mostly happy way, and am totally satisfied with my current life. My DH in contrast barely ever thinks about the past and remembers very little of his childhood. I've noticed that our families are the same - mine spend a lot of time happily reminiscing, telling and retelling stories together etc. His do that very little and I think it's a shame. I think it's a good thing to keep memories alive, as long as it's not keeping you from making new ones.

Ragwort · 31/12/2023 04:55

I'm like 3ormore, I love thinking back to happy memories, I had/have a mainly very happy life and I enjoy 'reliving' some of those memories. I am mid 60s and my DM is in her 90s and also likes reminiscing.. she is quite realistic in that she knows she has not got many years left (not morbid or depressed about it) and she clearly enjoys discussing happy times with me.

She still has a zest for life but it's just not possible to go skiing with her (for example) but discussing some of the ski trips she took in the 1950s when skiing was much less popular/ affordable than it is now is interesting and exciting to talk about with her.

Greenpolkadot · 31/12/2023 05:00

I wish I was more like you OP and had happy thoughts.
All I seem to remember is misery and awful times and people being horrid.
I'm 68 now but when I was 16 I got pregnant
I was terrified and needed help but was made to feel disgusting and dirty and that I'd brought shame on the family...what would people think etc.
This episode in my life seems the one that disturbs me the most.
I envy you op. I wish I could be happier

embolass · 31/12/2023 05:57

Yes OP I do this, not all the time but in bed, waking up at random times (menopause) or teens coming home late.
I often go back to mid-late 20s, it was prob time I enjoyed best, left uni, great friends, boyfriends, total freedom. Now married 20 years 2 DC steady job etc, it’s what I always wanted, but your bound by responsibility esp with young children , its relentless! Memories comfort and we are lucky to have them. I would love a day to back and relive, appreciate how I looked and not having any aches or pains. So don’t beat yourself up, seems like lots of us do it x

Teasie123 · 31/12/2023 06:10

Crazy as it sounds, I love very much in my fantasys. It not very exciting or passionate, but I imagine living on my own with no stress, no one demanding, no one to worry over, no one to tend to. There's only me. Lmao, it's heaven!!🤭🤭🤭

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 31/12/2023 07:46

Teasie123 · 31/12/2023 06:10

Crazy as it sounds, I love very much in my fantasys. It not very exciting or passionate, but I imagine living on my own with no stress, no one demanding, no one to worry over, no one to tend to. There's only me. Lmao, it's heaven!!🤭🤭🤭

Ha ha I do this sometimes too. "What would I be doing if..." etc. I think that's healthy. Some of my friends say "I just don't know what I'd do if DH left me/died etc" and I always think as horrific and painful as it would be I've never ever thought "I don't know what I'd do" as I always have other thoughts about possibilities in life

OP posts: