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Original poster

(Toxic) Elderly father who cannot look after himself

45 replies

Remmy123 · 29/12/2023 23:03

My father is mid-70's / has been an awful father to us so I am struggling to help him.

He has neglected himself. Drinks x4-6 cans of cider a day. Smokes 20 a day. Doesn't eat. Type 2 diabetic. Not taking meds properly.

he keeps falling over and ending up in hospital. He has come out now but cannot walk. Collapses every week then refuses hospital when paramedics come. I have been to his flat several times, the carpet is covered in feaces. Urine soaked bed. Mouldy cutlery. Did some cleaning but needs a deep clean.

today I was there and I was almost sick and felt very faint i do not do well with this level of care / the man makes me sick to
my stomach but I am the only one that can help him.

I have no idea what to do in this situation. I have to go again tomorrow to return his clothes that I washed.

I have told him I can't come Monday to Friday asi work full time and until late.

what do I do he doesn't have much mone y but I can't leave him like this no matter how I feel about him

thanks

OP posts:
coldcallerbaiter · 29/12/2023 23:05

Do you think he will die if you leave him to it?

wombats78 · 29/12/2023 23:06

Safeguarding referral to Adult Social Services. Then step away.

Hairyfairy01 · 29/12/2023 23:06

Contact social services.

uclpp · 29/12/2023 23:06

I’d email his GP and leave it with them.

Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 23:07

wombats78 · 29/12/2023 23:06

Safeguarding referral to Adult Social Services. Then step away.

This.

wombats78 · 29/12/2023 23:07

If he has capacity, he can make bad choices.

You can't fix him.

Original poster
Remmy123 · 29/12/2023 23:08

Thanks all I will get in touch with social services asap

@coldcallerbaiter yes I think so

OP posts:
Original poster
Remmy123 · 29/12/2023 23:12

his feet are also rotten and blistered with open sores and I really struggled to treat them today felt totally useless and very overwhelmed

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 23:13

Remmy123 · 29/12/2023 23:12

his feet are also rotten and blistered with open sores and I really struggled to treat them today felt totally useless and very overwhelmed

You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help.
His behaviour is his responsibility. Try hard not to guilt yourself or accept responsibility for him.

Babyroobs · 29/12/2023 23:18

Contact social services to do an assessment / provide deep clean / carers etc.
Does he claim Attendance Allowance- if he does not already get a disability benefit then apply for this and use the money to pay for a regular cleaner/ carer.

Fergie51 · 29/12/2023 23:19

I’m very sorry to read about your plight with your dad. I would suggest you take photographs discreetly of the soaked bed, carpet and the kitchen and bathroom if they are also in a mess. Then you have some evidence that your dad is unable to look after himself. You might start with his GP who could then put you in touch with Social Services. Or if your dad has another hospital stay, speak with the Ward Manager and show her/him the photographs. They should be able to guide you to the appropriate agencies to make a start in helping your dad. It’s a horrible situation to be in and I hope you are able to source the assistance you need. I hope others reply to your problem who have more experience in these matters.

Vinrouge4 · 29/12/2023 23:20

Do you think he has some sort of dementia. It’s not uncommon with diabetes. I was one of several siblings and with the best will in the world we couldn’t cope with a parent like this. Even though we had a rota we couldn’t be there 24/7. I would consider a care home where there is 24 hr care and they are trained to be carers.

Original poster
Remmy123 · 29/12/2023 23:30

@Vinrouge4 i did think this might be a possibility

he does get disability allowance not sure the amount will get in touch with social services to find out costs of a daily carer - he can't make it to the toilet it's also a fire hazard there are cigarette burns on carpet where he has fallen asleep with cigarette burning

OP posts:
Eekmystro · 29/12/2023 23:34

Remmy123 · 29/12/2023 23:30

@Vinrouge4 i did think this might be a possibility

he does get disability allowance not sure the amount will get in touch with social services to find out costs of a daily carer - he can't make it to the toilet it's also a fire hazard there are cigarette burns on carpet where he has fallen asleep with cigarette burning

Mention this to social care. That’s a massive risk.

Hairyfairy01 · 29/12/2023 23:42

The fire thing sounds urgent. In my area the fire services will come out and do free fire safety checks in peoples homes, provide alarms, fire blankets, special ashtrays etc.

for the feet he should be getting them checked regularly due to his diabetes? Does he see the diabetic nurse?

GoingDownLikeBHS · 29/12/2023 23:45

Concentrate on getting an urgent social care assessment, ring social services and ask for the duty social worker.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 29/12/2023 23:46

So sorry OP.
Great advice above, just to say there is also a forum on here called Elderly Parents, lots of wise helpful people there too.

festivetinseling · 30/12/2023 00:21

He is not your responsibility. Flowers

Please contact social services, as suggested by other posters upthread, and hand the whole thing over to them. You cannot be made to care for him, they cannot force you.

Itslegitimatesalvage · 30/12/2023 00:25

Contact social services and make it clear that there is no family help or support. Tell them you are not involved and will not be involved, explain the state he is living in and tell them he is alone, no support and needs help.

Original poster
Remmy123 · 30/12/2023 07:48

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your advice xxx

OP posts:
baubl · 30/12/2023 08:13

Honestly I would take a massive step back as others have said. You can't help someone who won't help themselves and it sounds like you don't owe him anything. Good luck 💐

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 08:23

Oh dear - yes adult social services should be first point of call.

Struggling with elderly parent myself, no smoking or drinking involved but accommodation is not suitable. Has been very nasty in the past (it's their personality!). I've found a solicitor so he's dealing with house sale as a care home is now inevitable.

InfamousPartyAnimal · 30/12/2023 08:30

At the minute you are just delaying the inevitable whilst you keep stepping in.
Drop the rope.
Adult social care is shocking in this country and if they think you are even doing the bare minimum they will leave you to it and focus on cases that have no family involvement at all.
To be painfully honest, with the amount he is drinking and the state of his feet/living conditions it won't be long before an infection makes him no one's problem.

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 08:34

Will he go to the GP? He needs to get his feet seen to.

henrysugar12 · 30/12/2023 08:34

Social services. You absolutely have to make clear to them that you are not able or willing to care for him as they will try to get you to take on the responsibility for doing his care.