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Original poster

Do I Go To The Funeral?

30 replies

DoIgotothefuneral · 29/12/2023 14:02

Hi, I thought I'd posted this thread already but couldn't find it so trying again...I posted this in Bereavement last night but have got no replies so thought I would try in here for the traffic. Please help if you can. TIA

Regular poster, name changed as very outing.

My lovely mum died in the middle of December, 2023. Her case had to go before a coroner so we have only just got her death certificate, and so life insurance. Her funeral (Cremation) is now booked.

When she was here she was my rock. I suffer badly with anxiety conditions and she always helped me with them, night or day. (I have referred myself for talking therapy and the doctor has given me beta blockers. I have also rung emergency mental health lines.) I have agoraphobia: I never used to go out unless it was unavoidable (Like dentist, hospital, etc.). Even then I would take diazepam (Valium) and my mum would have to come with me.
I have 2 siblings who have been really good to me but are obviously expecting me to come to the funeral. And I feel (Unduly) pressured into going. At night (I almost wrote this post last night!) I feel my most fearful and don't want to go. The next day I will feel not so anxious and convince myself that I'll go for my siblings.
I don't even know if the dr will prescribe me any more Diazepam as I confessed to him how I take it. I am not addicted, but I have built up a tolerance to them over the years. I've never told that to the dr in case they don't describe them again. I have such a fear of being away from home, that I take all the prescribed tablets in one go. I was described 7, 2mg Diazepam so I could go to the hospital whilst my mum was dying. I took all 7 and they lasted for three days, then the panic attacks came back (She died that day.). I told the dr this and he wasn't impressed.
Also, one of my landlords workers came and fixed the shared front door the other day as it wouldn't stay shut. Trouble is now you can't open it outside with the key every time!
I don't know. If I am truly honest, I don't want to go. I believe my mum is now in heaven and not in that box. I would only be going for my siblings, who all have partners, some children, and have friends going.
Help?! Edited

OP posts:
Luddite26 · 29/12/2023 14:05

If you would regret not going then you need to go. But I am a person who doesn't regret things so not going would not hang over me
It's ok not to go as long as you aren't saying I wish I had gone.

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:05

If you don't want to go, then don't go.
There are no rules.

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 14:09

I’m guessing you are going to want support from your siblings going forward, so if it matters to them, it’s probably politic to go.

I’d tell them I was intending to but it will depend on me feeling OK on the day.

Very sorry about your mum. This is something to prioritise tackling in the New Year OP

BookwormDadUK · 29/12/2023 14:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with PP; it's your choice. As you say, your lovely mum isn't there and there's no right or wrong way to grieve.

Maybe there's another way you could choose to remember her privately at the same time as the funeral, like lighting a candle at home.

I'm sure she'd only want you to do what's best for you, to look after yourself.

Savourycrepe · 29/12/2023 14:17

Of course you should. It’s a mark of respect for your mum. Think of how proud you would feel for yourself and the tribute to her.

Original poster
DoIgotothefuneral · 29/12/2023 14:25

Oh dear. It seems 50/50 atm. I wouldn't regret not going. I'm scared I would freak out in the ceremony and would disrupt things by needing to rush out and come home. The only reason I would go is for my siblings. I will try and broach it later with them.

OP posts:
Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 29/12/2023 14:25

If you don't feel well enough to go then could your family ask the funeral directors to set up an online link so you can view the funeral online? We did this for DMs friends who were too frail to join the service themselves.

I hope you get effective help for your agrophobia in the new year.

Original poster
DoIgotothefuneral · 29/12/2023 14:26

I didn't go to my grandads funeral either and I don't regret that.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoIgotothefuneral · 29/12/2023 14:26

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 29/12/2023 14:25

If you don't feel well enough to go then could your family ask the funeral directors to set up an online link so you can view the funeral online? We did this for DMs friends who were too frail to join the service themselves.

I hope you get effective help for your agrophobia in the new year.

Thank you, that is a good idea. Will look into it.

OP posts:
Daughtersandbristolian · 29/12/2023 14:27

Sorry for your loss darling, your mum knows what you are like and how hard this would be for you and would have not expected you to put yourself through it, so long as you will not regret it then stay home and think of her there quietly xx

mumda · 29/12/2023 14:27

Close your eyes and imagine it's a year from now.
How do you feel about not having gone to the funeral?

Savourycrepe · 29/12/2023 14:29

Sounds like you’ve already made your mind up. Going because it’s important to your siblings and family is a great reason. Be the person you want to be.

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 14:30

Savourycrepe · 29/12/2023 14:17

Of course you should. It’s a mark of respect for your mum. Think of how proud you would feel for yourself and the tribute to her.

Please don't try and minimise OP medical conditions to a choice.

OP if you feel you can't do it, don't. It's up to you to do what's right for you, that's what your mum would have wanted. Fuck the faux respect shite - as if you have no respect because you have mental health conditions to battle. Honestly some people are clueless (at best)

Don't force yourself into a situation that you don't want to be in for anyone else. Their opinions and judgement do not mean more than your own health

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum Flowers

Original poster
DoIgotothefuneral · 29/12/2023 14:32

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 14:30

Please don't try and minimise OP medical conditions to a choice.

OP if you feel you can't do it, don't. It's up to you to do what's right for you, that's what your mum would have wanted. Fuck the faux respect shite - as if you have no respect because you have mental health conditions to battle. Honestly some people are clueless (at best)

Don't force yourself into a situation that you don't want to be in for anyone else. Their opinions and judgement do not mean more than your own health

I'm so sorry you have lost your mum Flowers

Show quote history

Thank you. Thank you so much for understanding. x It means a lot.

OP posts:
Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 29/12/2023 14:34

I couldn't go to my friends funeral .. but her son set up an on line link.
( Diazepam.. 2mg isn't much for your condition.. maybe that's why you took more). Speak to GP.. after counselling you might be prescribed higher dose

Jellycats4life · 29/12/2023 14:35

I can see why you feel unable to go.

But looking beyond the funeral, how are you going to live your life without your lovely mum’s support? If you can’t go to her funeral, do you see yourself succumbing to the agoraphobia and never going out again (apart from doctor or dentist appointments)?

I think this is a turning point for you because you need to work out how you go on from here. and binging on your meds isn’t the answer either, I can see why your GP wasn’t happy.

pleaseth · 29/12/2023 14:35

Yes, asking about the online link might be a solution here. It's not uncommon now.

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2023 15:02

This reply has been deleted

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scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 15:04

This reply has been deleted

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What a nasty comment to make to grieving woman with mental health struggles Sad

HappyHamsters · 29/12/2023 15:13

Your mum would not want you to do anything that you feel very anxious about but if you do feel you would like to go then no one will get angry if you leave or sit at the back. The funeral directors can arrange a video link which you pay for, funerals are difficult and emotional, be kind to yourself. It's hard enough losing your mum without worrying about what other people think.,

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2023 15:13

I disagree.
I’m sad for OPs loss .
I just can’t imagine anyone who had a close relationship not trying to go to their mums funeral. Trying to go and not being able to is one thing, anxiety is dehabilitating. But procrastinating another. My Mum died 20years ago, she was a fantastic support and there’s not a day that passes I don’t miss her. I’d have moved mountains to say goodbye to her .

scoutingfor · 29/12/2023 15:16

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2023 15:13

I disagree.
I’m sad for OPs loss .
I just can’t imagine anyone who had a close relationship not trying to go to their mums funeral. Trying to go and not being able to is one thing, anxiety is dehabilitating. But procrastinating another. My Mum died 20years ago, she was a fantastic support and there’s not a day that passes I don’t miss her. I’d have moved mountains to say goodbye to her .

You have had one comment deleted already. Please stop. Your opinions are irrelevant.

HappyHamsters · 29/12/2023 15:20

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/12/2023 15:13

I disagree.
I’m sad for OPs loss .
I just can’t imagine anyone who had a close relationship not trying to go to their mums funeral. Trying to go and not being able to is one thing, anxiety is dehabilitating. But procrastinating another. My Mum died 20years ago, she was a fantastic support and there’s not a day that passes I don’t miss her. I’d have moved mountains to say goodbye to her .

There are many reasons why someone cannot or does not want to go to a funeral, leave it to op to decide.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 29/12/2023 15:32

Dear OP,

fear feeds on fear. No one will judge you if you feel you just can’t manage to go - but you might find strength in your own efforts to cope.

Practically, could you sit inconspicuously at the back, so if you felt like withdrawing, you wouldn’t cause a kerfuffle ? It would be worth asking if the Funeral Director has anyone who could sit with you, they are very used to dealing with distraught mourners, and have experience in helping them.

I wish you all the best

Heatherjayne1972 · 29/12/2023 15:32

A video link / recording is ( part of ) the answer
i imagine it can be arranged. If you wake up
on the day and it’s a definite no then at least you’re able to watch or watch later
if you can go on the day or need to leave early you won’t miss anything

be kind to yourself op