How common is "zoning out"?

[Dogknowsbest]

I've just started dating someone new. It's literally been 3 dates. Anyway the other day we were chatting and he said that he noticed that I "zone out" of conversations sometimes and that it's really obvious I'm doing it. Basically, he said it's not a problem so long as I don't do it when he's trying to tell me something important. I know I've always done this but didn't realise that it was so obvious.

I've asked my family what they think and they've noticed it and that it's really obvious. My mum said I'd always done it but I just need to stop (hard as sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it until I'm back in the conversation and realised I haven't been listening) and most of my friends said they noticed it too.

I started the process 6 months ago of getting an ADHD diagnosis and I know it's related. It's probably worse at the moment as I work in a school and was exhausted at the end of term. I'm just wondering how common it is to do this and for people that do it, what works to stay present in a conversation?

My ex accused me of not listening and I assumed he was gaslighting me (he was quite controlling) but now I'm wondering if it was at least partly me and if this problem will affect my new relationship.

Very common in people with adhd.

My DD did it all the time. Medication made a significant difference.

Everyone dissociates, it's normal. Although admittedly not ideal if someone's talking to you about something important.

I find it a little odd/off-putting that this new guy has lectured you about it after 3 dates.

It's definitely an ADHD thing. I will ask DH a question and he'll look at me amazed and say "you just told me the answer to that five minutes ago" and I literally can't remember.

It is worse when tired/when my medication is wearing off.

I sometimes do it in the middle of a conversation, it's like my mind goes off on a loop of spirals of related thoughts and I'm a million miles away and then I suddenly realise someone is talking to me. I also do it while reading or listening to something and have to rewind or reread the last couple of pages.

It's not conscious so I don't know how you can prevent it/stop it.

You could look at grounding techniques to see if any of them are more or less helpful in staying present in conversations.

If tiredness makes it worse, then the normal self care to manage that also.

No, everyone doesn't zone out frequently. This is an ND trait. Of course NT people do from time to time if they're preoccupied or someone is boring, but it's not common in NT people to do this frequently in situations outside of what I've just described.

I knew before I got to the ADHD part that it would be that.

I do it all the time, worse when I was a kid, used to get in trouble all the time for it.

Does the new guy know about the adhd?

Sorry to ask on your thread, but I have a question about adhd. My 21yo dd is pretty sure she has it. She has all the symptoms and is currently on antidepressants and occasional beta blockers for anxiety disorder. If she is diagnosed, what is the medication and what does it do? Btw, 'zoning out' is a specialty of hers.

My medication makes me feel more alert. ADHD is massively fatiguing due to the mental strain so I just don't feel as tired. I can catch and hold onto a thought rather than it slipping away into mists. It's more like more if my thoughts were written on paper they are in a (somewhat) more organised pile rather than a jumbled up mess spread out. I can hold my attention on more boring tasks without wanting to cry / get angry / do literally anything else and that creeping itching inside your skin feeling.

I did also find I am considerably less anxious and depressed. Possibly because I don't feel like I could get fired at any moment and I can see I'm annoying people less. Also probably just because my dopamine levels are closer to 'normal' now.

Yes, I told him that I'm in the process of getting a diagnosis and the fact that I'm not always conscious of it happening.

It's classic ADHD. It's not something you have control over. Make sure to discuss it with whoever is doing your assessment.

To be honest, he didn't lecture me. It was done in a jokey way that he "must be really boring".

It's x100 worse when I'm tired. This morning I felt so tired I could hardly string a sentence together without the zoning out. I just couldn't hold anything in my head. The feeling of thoughts slipping away is common and when I have energy it feels like I go from one thing to another really quickly. There's no consistency for any meaningful period of time which is the most exhausting part of it.

This is so me. I was nearly fired from a really good job because of a mistake I made whilst clearly in my "zone". I find work really hard going.

I find it a little odd/off-putting that this new guy has lectured you about it after 3 dates.

He probably finds it very off putting that the OP was zoning out on just his 3rd date (or potentially 1st or 2nd) !!
Without him knowing the OP, this would come across as incredibly rude and give the impression she was really not interested in him.

With the ADHD knowledge, it makes more sense, and, it seems that him mentioning it to her has helped her enormously, as she has now gone round and asked family and friends who all agree with him that she does this.
I think the OP should be pleased he raised it, rather than just not seeing her again without saying anything. This way, she can talk about how it is part of her ADHD and not to do with lack of interest on her part.

Is it worth getting a private assessment? I would just love to know what it feels like to not have this happen randomly.

Medication is generally stimulants - many people with adhd self medicate with caffeine - and they have the opposite effect on adhd brain to NT brains. Instead of making people wired and hyper, they calm their brain and increase focus. Many people with adhd report that they feel calm and/or sleepy after drinking coffee.

Women with adhd often end up on anti depressants and beta blockers that are a) not very effective for them and b) are symptoms of adhd which would be better managed with adhd meds such as stimulants and/or appropriate therapy and self-management techniques based on a firm understanding of themselves and how ADHD affects them. This obviously happens to some men,also, but is more common for women as they often struggle more to get a diagnosis as the more 'male' presentation is the one that gets picked up. Women often turn their hyperactivity inwards and hurt themselves, men more likely to be disruptive towards others and therefore receive notice (and hopefully support) earlier. Also less likely to be given anti depressants for disruptive behaviour as opposed to self destructive...

Sorry, pet peeve for someone trying to get a diagnosis for a DD who struggles just as badly as the diagnosed DS, but as above, doesn't affect classmates therefore not worthy/needful of support.

The private diagnosis is faster but ends up being expensive if you want to try medication as you have to titrate up to a preferred dose before they will put you over to shared care. If you're already on an NHS waiting list it's probably worth staying on it.

I’m sure there are ways of controlling it. ‘Attentional training’ maybe? Where you practice shifting your attention to improve focus.

My partner has ADHD and he does it all the time.

Be careful what you wish for when it comes to diagnosis. It's the sort of thing you will have to claim on forms for life. Things like private health insurance (lol, like anyone can afford that these days) and travel insurance suddenly become more expensive.

When my partner got a diagnosis (through therapy) he then got a ton worse and now lives being ADHD. He was a lot more with it and organised before he had something to blame his behaviour on. I don't say that unkindly, it's one of the primary reasons a lot of health professionals (at least, in the past) are reluctant to hand out 'labels.' It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy: you live the condition. He most certainly does. It gets far worse when he is stressed.

Meds didn't work for my OH and they are now really hard to get and often run out. And private diagnosis has become horrifically expensive, and NHS diagnosis often takes years.

Is there any chance it could be absence seizures?
https://www.epilepsy.com/what-is-epilepsy/seizure-types/absence-seizures

Where did I use the word "frequently"? Dissociation is normal for all people. That's true.

You don't know what you're talking about if you're claiming that dissociation is unique to ND, or only happens in narrow circumstances for NT people.

Dissociation can and does rise to the level of a "frequent" and debilitating problem for people with mental health conditions such as PTSD, DID, and anxiety. Dissociation is a particular feature of trauma as it's how the brain protects you.

As another poster points out, it could also be epilepsy.

Not everything is about or exclusive to ND. You don't get to dismiss NT people's experiences because you want to claim everything for ND people.

There's mo history of epilepsy in my family. There is undiagnosed ADHD though. My dad had a lot of ADHD traits.

I have ADHD too.

The main thing that works for me to pay attention better is to have something to do with my hands. Drawing patterns, knitting, that sort of thing helps enormously. If in a setting like a restaurant where that is difficult something like a hairband in my pocket to fiddle with