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Original poster

How common is "zoning out"?

33 replies

Dogknowsbest · 27/12/2023 22:08

I've just started dating someone new. It's literally been 3 dates. Anyway the other day we were chatting and he said that he noticed that I "zone out" of conversations sometimes and that it's really obvious I'm doing it. Basically, he said it's not a problem so long as I don't do it when he's trying to tell me something important. I know I've always done this but didn't realise that it was so obvious.

I've asked my family what they think and they've noticed it and that it's really obvious. My mum said I'd always done it but I just need to stop (hard as sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it until I'm back in the conversation and realised I haven't been listening) and most of my friends said they noticed it too.

I started the process 6 months ago of getting an ADHD diagnosis and I know it's related. It's probably worse at the moment as I work in a school and was exhausted at the end of term. I'm just wondering how common it is to do this and for people that do it, what works to stay present in a conversation?

My ex accused me of not listening and I assumed he was gaslighting me (he was quite controlling) but now I'm wondering if it was at least partly me and if this problem will affect my new relationship.

OP posts:
UnimaginableWindBird · 28/12/2023 07:52

I do this, and also gave ADHD. Like pp said, if I try to give someone or something my whole attention, I am more likely to zone out, but if I give them 70% of my attention and the other 30% on something else like a fidget toy, or drawing, then it's much easier to keep my attention on the person I'm focusing on.

UnimaginableWindBird · 28/12/2023 07:53

Knitting is very useful for this, or similar things that use your hands and a little bit of concentration.

ForestofBears · 28/12/2023 09:06

I had no idea that this is a common ADHD thing. My DD was diagnosed with ADHD this year and also talks about “zoning out” in school and losing track of what is happening and even what lesson she is in. I was worried about epilepsy as there is family history and even took her to the GP to see what they thought. For complicated reasons she isn’t on medication at the moment but it would be good if it could help with this.

BertieBotts · 28/12/2023 10:18

I don't think what OP is describing is dissociation though. As you say, dissociation is more of a trauma response, a protective action when something happens to trigger a trauma memory.

Zoning out for me in my experience of ADHD (of course I don't think it's unique to ADHD, I think anyone can do this especially when tired) is more that my brain has at any point about 3-4 different thought tracks, they are all sort of interlinked/related as I'm always noticing connections between them, and whatever I'm engaging with has to be fairly strongly engaging to keep that related thought track as the primary one. Otherwise, I'll fairly easily slip into one of the others via one of the connections. When I'm doing my own thing and it doesn't matter too much whether I'm on task or not, I slip between all of them quite comfortably and it doesn't affect anything at all except that sometimes I come back to MN and realise I have left a half written post etc. So I can slip accidentally into this pattern when other things are happening such as reading or performing a task or talking to somebody.

Justanything86 · 28/12/2023 11:00

Dogknowsbest · 28/12/2023 01:04

Is it worth getting a private assessment? I would just love to know what it feels like to not have this happen randomly.

Just so you don't get your hopes up too much.. it does and will still happen on medication, its just not as bad or frequent. If you have adhd nothing can stop you having adhd it just makes it a bit easier.

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 28/12/2023 11:23

BertieBotts · 28/12/2023 10:18

I don't think what OP is describing is dissociation though. As you say, dissociation is more of a trauma response, a protective action when something happens to trigger a trauma memory.

Zoning out for me in my experience of ADHD (of course I don't think it's unique to ADHD, I think anyone can do this especially when tired) is more that my brain has at any point about 3-4 different thought tracks, they are all sort of interlinked/related as I'm always noticing connections between them, and whatever I'm engaging with has to be fairly strongly engaging to keep that related thought track as the primary one. Otherwise, I'll fairly easily slip into one of the others via one of the connections. When I'm doing my own thing and it doesn't matter too much whether I'm on task or not, I slip between all of them quite comfortably and it doesn't affect anything at all except that sometimes I come back to MN and realise I have left a half written post etc. So I can slip accidentally into this pattern when other things are happening such as reading or performing a task or talking to somebody.

It's definitely not a PTSD response.

My exact thought process was "the lights look really pretty. I never noticed them before. Life is so good right now."

The man: "I must be really boring. You've completely zoned out."

OP posts:
Brightonhome · 28/12/2023 16:29

Message for Backinthedress: Thank you for your reply. My dd showed no signs until puberty. She was highly academic and found learning v easy. High achiever all round. Everything changed around 14 and she found she just couldn't learn like she used to. Diagnosed IBS and anxiety disorder at 16 after two year's of CBT. Interestingly, a female friend of hers got an ADHD diagnosis at around 12, but she had been a sweet but unfortunately disruptive child all her life, who found it difficult to learn from an early age. This girl also presented typically masculine traits and eventually realised she was gay. My dd was the opposite, never in trouble, head girl, house captain, won all the academic prizes going including three scholarships to a top private school. It has been upsetting for her to discover that she no longer can learn with the ease she once did. Everything is a struggle, and although she went to uni, she didn't, in her mind, achieve her academic potential. I do hope, that with her realisation that she could have adhd, she will be kinder to herself. ADHD was suggested by her NHS therapist a year ago. The therapist said she should talk to her dr about it, but my dd didn't tell me, and didn't talk to dr. She thought the suggestion was wrong as she was comparing herself to her childhood friend with adhd who was nothing like her (so she thought). All food for thought and an interesting, and hopefully easier, journey lies ahead.

Ifancythegrinch · 28/12/2023 17:18

I do it all the time. It’s mostly intentional though as I just don’t care for all the shit people talk at me.

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